Ugh- We’re having THAT for Dinner Again?
Not all that many years ago, when my kids were still young and didn’t care much about hurting my feelings while expressing their (strong) opinions about my culinary attempts, I took their words to heart. Probably way too much, too.
I can’t say that I am or was a horrible cook; I simply hated every aspect of it. The decision making, shopping (two hours-all those distractions!), preparing, cleaning…only to hear a united “UGH” when the filled plates hit the table, brimming with meatloaf, chicken or oh…the other 5 things I had mastered over the years.
Cooking was and still is a horrific chore for me. As a woman with ADHD, the cooking machinery just doesn’t work too well, because it expects one’s executive functioning to be running as smoothly as silk. And I don’t know a single woman with ADHD that doesn’t have problems with executive functioning.
For many of us with ADHD, there’s simply too many steps involved in cooking and at some point, it often becomes ridiculously too difficult to manage.
I was thinking about the guilt involved in my giving up cooking on a regular basis and it struck me that the guilt hits me on several levels:
1. Women/moms are *supposed* to know how to get healthy meals on the table.
2. Many women I know seem to love cooking. So what’s wrong with me?
3. Many women are also pretty creative in the kitchen. I’m not one of them!
But even more so, the UGH words cut me deeper than they should have. And now I realize why: the words opened an old, vulnerable wound. It wasn’t “just” that they didn’t like what I’d prepared for dinner. It was a daily reminder that I was, in my mind, incapable of doing what most other women could do without blinking an eye. In other words, it wasn’t about feeling hurt that my food was not to their liking. It was a direct blow to my shortcomings as a woman; a mom.
What I’ve learned over the years is that I am not defined by how great- or not great- I am in the kitchen. When these feelings of inadequacy wash over me, I remind myself that my lack of certain skills does not define whether or not I’m a good mother or wife. I’m more than that. I’m also a writer, speaker, musician, artist, good friend to many, animal lover, advocate and more.
Can you re-define who YOU are by focusing on your strengths and uniqueness instead of your Mac and Cheese recipe?
Comment
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Comment by Felicia on February 5, 2010 at 3:40pm -
Sarah... I agree with Terry.. Run do no walk to a Dr. and if you are NOT on a medication for ADHD think about it. It changed my life! Its NOT a weakness.. I repeat... NOT a weakness!! Im sure you are a GREAT Mom and a GREAT person and if your "soul mate" is acting like this, I think I would reconcider the term "soul mate" some time alone reading a good book " you mean I am not LAZT CRAZY or STUPID?" will do you some good!!!
You are SPECIAL just as you are!!! God makes no junk! ( promise ) I think "soulmate" may have some issues of his own, he needs to work out and not "project" his issues on you. Remember something my pastor told me long ago-- ( before I learned "healthy" boundries in dating.. ) "hurting people hurt people" A "soul mate" is a "soul mate" and HE wont hurt you. Think of this... "No one(man) is worth your tears.. and the one that IS will NEVER make you cry"
GET STRONG! YOU can do this!! as ADULTS we need to make adult decisions.....!! I love ya.. I have been where you are... YOU can do this!!! Now.... GO DO IT!!
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Comment by Sandy on February 5, 2010 at 1:55pm -
Dream Dinners is a meal assembly service. Every month they have a new menu and I go online and pick the meals to make and a time to go in and make them at a specified time. Everything is ready to pop right into the freezer and I don't have to spend a lot of time thinking about what is for dinner tonight! Most of the meals are kid friendly and I can leave out the things that don't appeal to my family. You can look at them online..dreamdinners.com and see if there is one in your area
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Comment by Terry Matlen on February 5, 2010 at 9:08am -
Sandy,
What are Dream Dinners??
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Comment by Terry Matlen on February 5, 2010 at 9:08am
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Sarah,
You are in crisis. Please run, don't walk, to a therapist/counselor and get some help with all this; preferably one who has an understanding of adult ADHD. There IS help and there ARE ways to get your house back in order. But my guess (and I could be wrong) is that there's more going on besides a messy house.
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Comment by Sarah MacKinnon on February 5, 2010 at 1:15am -
I am actually in the midst of "LOOSING" my childrens father because of my "inability" to clean my house, and my "LAZINESS", I am far from lazy.....SAD, BUT TRUE!!!! For two weeks now he has been living 20 minutes away from me and the kids ( the five yr old girl, who worships me ) and the 10 yr old boy that HAS ADD himself.....Here is the REALLY sucky part...today is 2/5/10, My 33rd bday is the 9th of February......ME, and the kids father ( we are not married) HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 17 YEARS ON THE 17th of February!!!! I WAS 16 when we started going out...HE WAS 14!!!!
He is my SOULMATE, and apparently I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH BECAUSE I CAN NOT KEEP MY HOUSE CLEAN!!!! WE HAVE GONE THROUGH HELL AND BACK (300 times by now), I have never lived alone....I have never made ONE adult decision without him, EVER!!!! I had two c-sections ( I almost died because of the infection that resulted )10 years ago with HIS 10 lb baby, I am pissed.....I am so upset.....I am looking for support, and this is hell, I am a stay at home mom.....I have been for 3 years, and out he goes with ALL THE MONEY!!!!!!
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Comment by Gail Bellefeuille on February 4, 2010 at 11:50pm -
This is exacty my story.In a world of seemingly perfect cooks all around me, I always feel that the 'ugh' hurts too much.I will say,I do enjoy when I have fleeting success. I am not immune to that!
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Comment by Sandy on February 4, 2010 at 8:14am
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I have many of the same issues - I'd go to the grocery store and come home with 10 bags of food and nothing to actually make for dinner! One easy solution for me has been Dream Dinners. I get 12 meals a month so I can at least ensure that 3 days a week we have a healthy, easy, pre-planned dinner and the only thing I have to remember is to take it out of the freezer! The rest of the week we wing it. When I do cook I always make at least twice as much as we will eat so I can freeze the second "meal" I've found you can even freeze cooked pasta to go with the spaghetti. I love those days when I'm too tired, too late, too frazzled to think about dinner and I can grab something from the freezer and look like supermom!!!
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Comment by Amy Milligan on February 3, 2010 at 4:38pm
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You know, I actually love cooking. Can't explain why, I think it taps into my creative energy -- plus I love to eat. What I hate, though, is cleaning the kitchen. And for years, my kitchen has always been a disaster. I walk into the room, fully intending to whip up something wonderful, and one look at the pile of dishes on the sink, or mess on the counter, and I just can't deal with it. My choices were to either crumple on the floor and cry or pick up the phone and order delivery.
Since the beginning of this year, my amazing partner and I have made a whole-hog effort to have a few things done at the end of every day:
1. the dishwasher full and running
2. the dining room floor swept
and 3. the counters cleared off
Now, with a four-year-old and twin toddlers, this has been a herculean effort. But waking up in the morning to a clean kitchen makes emptying the dishwasher seem not so bad. And dropping dirty dishes into an empty dishwasher as the day goes on is a lot better than piling them in the sink. And my overall well-being and peace of mind has gone way up.
With the counters clear, no huge piles, and access to clean cooking tools, the cooking part is not so bad. And I have found lots of cookbooks at the library with recipes meant for kids -- which means that my four-year-old and I can cook together. It becomes fun play time, the recipes fit BOTH of our attention spans, and the whole thing is not such a huge deal.
Bear in mind, though, that I work full time and my partner is largely stay-at-home, so I am very blessed to not be the one figuring out dinner for the family every single day.
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Comment by Tricia on January 30, 2010 at 8:52pm
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This is sooo interesting because I keep telling myself that I wish I could cook more interesting meals. Then I get to the grocery store and buy the same old same old because faced with the deep heavy sighs, the moans and groans and the "I am not hungry tonight" - I am just too tired to put up a fight.
My problem is that my kids hate meals where the foods are mixed together, so any type of casserole or crock pot recipe is out. They just recently started eating Baked Ziti and Taco (meat and cheese only please!). So I have the usual routine of meat, potato/rice/noodle, and veggie. Talk about boring! They don't eat any gravies, sauces or other condiments - even more boring! Dry Meat, unbuttered veggies and tasteless starches.
Then on top of that the Mom with ADD NEVER has all the ingredients for one recipe. Spaghetti without sauce, Chicken fingers without bread crumbs......
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Comment by Lovemypirates1121 on January 29, 2010 at 11:25am -
I get the inept feeling. I make a grocery list before I head to the store, but it never fails. I get there and remember other things we need that I forgot to list, then usually forget to grab something that WAS on the list. Or I see something's on sale, like cubed beef and suddenly decide I want to make beef stew. Most times we throw a frozen pizza in the cart: always good for nights I don't feel like cooking.
I just remembered one of my best friends, the one who pointed me in the direction of crock pot cooking, also sent me a link for this sign when my father was making me feel like a lazy slob when my house wasn't up to his lofty standard of clean. Which by the way is like this: Just picture a model home and that's his standard-having two boys under 10 is absolutely no excuse for not obtaining this standard in his book.
http://www.tenderheart.com/ibeCCtpItmDspRte.jsp?item=67028#
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