Not Fitting In
Four days ago, I waited in a huge parking lot for my daughter to return from her three weeks at summer camp. There had to be a few hundred parents there, waiting, like me, for the buses to come rolling in. Looking around, I noticed a few things. First, I’m probably at least a good fifteen years older than the average parent I saw there. No big deal- we started our family on the late side.
Second, just about every person I saw was huddled into small groups, chatting and laughing away. I began to wonder how all these people could possibly have known one, two or even more parents. I strained to find someone I might know as well, but came up empty.
For three weeks, I worried how my daughter would fit in at camp. With her severe ADHD and other issues, life is often tough for her. I had flashbacks of my own youth and how I, too, didn’t fit in. I was incredibly shy and anxious and had undiagnosed ADHD. That’s quite a challenge when trying to make friends, let alone keeping them.
The flashbacks continued- not being asked to the prom; always being on the edge of social activities, watching as the other kids laughed, thriving in group activities. Instead, I was the one on the outside looking in. I found more pleasure in playing guitar and making art than going to football games on Friday nights. The feelings became more intense as the memories washed over me. The girl- now a grown woman- who didn’t fit in was waiting for the daughter who didn’t fit in.
The bus carrying my daughter finally arrived. When she raced down the steps of the bus into my arms, all those feelings melted away. I was no longer 12 or 16 years old. I was a grown woman who feasted her eyes on a smiling girl who obviously had a grand three weeks at camp, making new friends and exploring new skills. I grabbed my daughter, kissed and hugged her, and walked proudly out of the crowd. I realized just then that I, too, had grown over the years. I had accomplished many things and gained many skills, just like my daughter. The only difference, I suppose, is I did so in a quieter way than the crowd before me.
Second, just about every person I saw was huddled into small groups, chatting and laughing away. I began to wonder how all these people could possibly have known one, two or even more parents. I strained to find someone I might know as well, but came up empty.
For three weeks, I worried how my daughter would fit in at camp. With her severe ADHD and other issues, life is often tough for her. I had flashbacks of my own youth and how I, too, didn’t fit in. I was incredibly shy and anxious and had undiagnosed ADHD. That’s quite a challenge when trying to make friends, let alone keeping them.
The flashbacks continued- not being asked to the prom; always being on the edge of social activities, watching as the other kids laughed, thriving in group activities. Instead, I was the one on the outside looking in. I found more pleasure in playing guitar and making art than going to football games on Friday nights. The feelings became more intense as the memories washed over me. The girl- now a grown woman- who didn’t fit in was waiting for the daughter who didn’t fit in.
The bus carrying my daughter finally arrived. When she raced down the steps of the bus into my arms, all those feelings melted away. I was no longer 12 or 16 years old. I was a grown woman who feasted her eyes on a smiling girl who obviously had a grand three weeks at camp, making new friends and exploring new skills. I grabbed my daughter, kissed and hugged her, and walked proudly out of the crowd. I realized just then that I, too, had grown over the years. I had accomplished many things and gained many skills, just like my daughter. The only difference, I suppose, is I did so in a quieter way than the crowd before me.
Comment
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Comment by Jennifer Cerequas on November 25, 2009 at 8:19pm -
New here, but can already relate to a lot being said. I myself technically have AS(Aspergers Syndrome), but I haven't found any resources for moms with this. Plus I think there is a fair amount of overlap. I also have issues with fine motor skills (my husband sewed on my daughter's brownie patches), and have always felt like an outsider. And this last is something I am keenly aware of.
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Comment by Georgiana Turnipseed on August 29, 2009 at 9:09am
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On the brighter side... all of us writing in on this subject of 'not fitting in' really fit so well into the group of 'not fitting in-ers'!! It is an exclusive and special club and I'm glad to have discovered it!
I just happened across this website/blog/discussion by chance. I subscribe to the email newsletter, but usually just delete it without reading it. But I've actually been fairly blown away by how much I can identify with all these writers. It appears I may be far more ADD than I had thought-- the inability to make small talk has been an issue all my life. And now, at age 64, I have trouble remembering people's names, and faces. And it takes me such a long time to 'make new friends' and feel comfortable with them! On the surface, I appear to have it pretty much together, but the real me is aptly described by the people who have written on this blog. Thanks for putting words on many of those sensitive, embarrassing parts of my personality. I definitely 'fit in' here : )
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Comment by Lovemypirates1121 on August 25, 2009 at 12:03am -
I tend to get names with similar sounding endings confused. I once worked with a Vicki, a Kelly, and a Jackie and I always mixed them up.
I also ended up getting confused with another woman there because I'm an Annie and she's an Ann but was oft called Annie. Our office manager paged Ann for a phone call, but simply said "Annie, line 9. Annie, line 9". So I picked it up and found myself talking to Ann's husband!!! LMAO!!!!
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Comment by Terry Matlen on August 22, 2009 at 11:19pm -
Kat, I try and do that, too. I hear the name and repeat it right back. But if I see them 6 months later, forget it. I usually have no clue who they are. I usually just end up being honest and say my memory isn't really good with names/faces, and...HELP! : )
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Comment by Terry Matlen on August 22, 2009 at 11:17pm
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Marisa,
Many if not most children with they hyperactive sub-type shift as they mature into adults. The hyperactivity tends to, as you describe, go inward. But I'll bet that you still have some hyperactive behaviors that are subtle, like maybe leg kicking, finger drumming, hands in the hair, etc.
Like you, I have a TERRIBLE time remembering people and it's an ongoing embarrassment. Just the other day, someone shouted out to me BY NAME at our local hospital where I was visiting someone, and I had no clue how I knew her. It is exhausting, for sure.
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Comment by kat on August 22, 2009 at 10:04pm
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I have a very difficult time remembering peoples names and from where I know them!!!!! I have 2 girls, 13 and 17. I wont even remember from which daughter or sport I have met them. It is embarrassing but also a shame because I feel like they might think I dont care enough to remember and if my memory was better I would be so much better off socially. I have learned to try to remember when I meet someone to repeat their name. Like nice to meet you so and so. before i leave them.
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Comment by Marisa Burton on August 22, 2009 at 6:23pm
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Hi all, I'm new to this but is it possible to have been an externally hyperactive/inattentive child and now seem to be a more internally hyperactive/inattentive "child" as an adult? So what am I then? Do you identify yourself as an inattentive adult with a hyperactive brain or hyperactive adult that has burnned out? LOL I'm just the combined type--I guess. I confuse myself too! I can definately relate to the difficulties with small talk... Part of my problem is recall of peoples names and retrival of where I know them from or prior associations with them. I get very frustrated having to ask them to fill in the blanks for me because they may think I'm stupid or that I don't care enough to remember them in the first place. I always recognize faces but the rest is like following a poorly designed treasure map to link clues they say to a possible history-connection to build upon. Does anyone else feel too tired to keep trying to establish relationships too? Marisa
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Comment by Linda W on August 20, 2009 at 9:20am
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I'm definitely inattentive, and I must admit, in retrospect, I've been pretty oblivious my whole life. I'm fortunate to have an extremely extroverted father from whom I learned my social skills. The man can have a conversation with a wall!
Being inattentive, I never really notice what others are doing around me (not always a good thing). If I'm in a crowd and by myself I can usually start up a conversation with someone else who looks lost/bored, but I'm ok by myself as long as I have something to occupy me (check email, plan my day, etc.)
As a mother, I always worried that my daughter might have issues fitting in or making friends, etc. I'm so happy to see that she is becoming more confident and outgoing with each passing year. Since I've been diagnosed, I look for signs of ADD in her, and so far so good. I just have no idea how she put up with me for the past 13 years...lol...she's definitely not a multi-tasker, and it really stressed her when I asked her to do 50 million things at the same time..."feed the dog, take out the trash, make your bed, etc" Now I just make a list and let her work it at her own pace.
~Linda
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Comment by Terry Matlen on August 19, 2009 at 9:05am
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Very poignant, Betsy. I always relate to your posts. It seems like much of life is from the outside looking in, eh? I wonder if it's the same for hyperactives as it is with inattentives. Anyone care to jump in about that? : )
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Comment by betsy davenport, phd on August 19, 2009 at 1:22am -
Okay Terry. I just got weepy reading your story. When I was a kid I didn't fit in but only now and then did I notice (!) or care about that. Later on, I was able to find a few people at a time (good thing I am an introvert) and had a couple of good friends through the years. It is hard to move, though, because it takes a long time to make an old friend.
My daughter is also introverted, but as a little girl and beyond, she had a really great group of about eight friends who did things as a large group or in smaller numbers, sleepovers, weekend playdates, long phone calls -- she was much more at ease socially than I ever was. Some of those long standing friends still call and write to her even though they have not been in the same school or even seen each other for four years. Her illness has kept her from a social life, and she is very shy, but once she connects, she does fine.
I had her when I was almost 41, so I have always been way older than the other moms, which suited me fine because I didn't know how to talk to them. I was mature enough to not need to be friends, though I could have benefited from a peer group. Of course, when I realized we had a lot of AD/HD in the family, I saw there were no real peers, anyway.
Being an AD/HD mother is lonely, so I am glad I had made friends with that condition years before.
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