Jennifer Ann Makinen's Page

good luck with the outlaws ;) xxx

sorry it took me forever to reply - didnt see your reply and havent fathomed this site properly yet, lol.
sorry i cant reccommend a book - you'd think a songwriter would be book mad - but tho i have an enormous love of language - i have never completed a book :( terrible thing to admit, but i just cannot read them. i try, but the words dance and jumble, and i lose my way so i start the paragraph again, and soon lose interest! even reading bedtime stories to the kids can have me yawning and struggling to focus -i do it tho, coz i know they need it, but i pick my books for them VERY wisely ;) lol
i have 4 kids because the chaos keeps me from becoming too bored i guess - altho i have been a sahm for 11 years, and i am finally losing the will to live! i am going to re-train as a music therapist if i can manage it, and work around the kids, but will have to wait until youngest starts school, so 2 years off.
my relationship is interesting. my partner is very similar to me, many issues of his own, but sweet and kind, and patient. so he deals with my isms, and i have learnt to say sorry when i know i'm in the wrong |:( not something i enjoy, but it has to be done. he is the child of 2 alcoholics so has self esteem issues - i try to build him up, but sometimes am not great at it . but we fill each others gaps. lately we realised we had drifted too far apart, and it took a major amount of work to get back on track, but we're getting there. i guess i reached the point where i had to ask myself would i be happier alone, or with him. i realised i would rathe be with him, so on we go - but this is my longest ever relationship (over 12 years) and we started our family very quickly which distracted me enough when i felt the urge to run - lol. sometimes tho - i am so immensley misunderstood out there in the big wide world, i need to know he is my sanctity. he gets me. and apart from my mum, and 1 lifetime friend - there isnt anyone else in this big old world that does xxx

its amazing how similar we are - oart of me wants a field accessable only by helicopter, where no-one but my immediate little family unit are - and part of me wants a flat, above a shop in a bustling metroplitan city!!!!!!! i guess each lifestyle suits a part of me - but both parts need caring for - its VERY tough. i know this small welsh village i have found myslef in is very bad for me - way too small minded and bigotted - and i crave diversity and culture. i want to move home to surrey but my house wont sell - the market here has been dead since mid 2007 :(

be careful of the church thing - i explored pretty much every faith in my late teens on a simialr quest to find understanding and a place to be me. i didnt find it in any denomination. i have since discovered buddhism, and altho i cannot call myself a buddhist as i am simply not focussed enough - i believe that buddhism holds the key for me - to live in the now, and to focus on those things which do make a difference - to try to be more understanding and compassionate - and to strive for enlightenment. its avery tough tho, coz when my 'rainbow' side is strong, i struggle to be quiet and peaceful - but i try hard, i really do ............. x

its the same anomily with my children - i adore my 4 - me and their dad planned 4, we wanted 4, we love all of them. but some days, i long for quiet, and less demand, and i struggle to be the lovely, hippy, laid back mummy that i need to be for them! its a daily struggle, made worse by those around me assuming i am earth mother. my heart is - but my head is a swirling whirlwind sometimes!!!!!

i know not of how to placate all my sides, but i strive to do so. i turn 40 next month, and i cannot believe i STILL have so many answers to find :( xxx

its an enormous problem to me too - this fitting in malarky! i WANT people around me, sometimes, but i dont like all the flip and faff that goes with it!!!! i dont want to talk washing powder, or slag off other people with anyone - i just want to talk music, or natural baby stuff, or hippy type things!!!! lol

i tend to get very close to one or 2 people, who then find me too intense and dump me!!!! i feel like a 15 year old boy most of the time, and it stinks!!!! i really want to fit in, but have no idea HOW to, and then, when i look at the people i am trying to fit in with, i'm not sure i want to be like them either!!!!! its crazy!!! i need a friend i can keep in the cupboard when my own company becomes too intense - heheheheh!!!

i SHOULD have become famous a good 20 years ago, because by now, i could be living as a recluse with too many rescue animals and that would be deemed normal!!!! lmao!!!!