HappyHippyMum's Page

that's great that you found a partner who gets you. i thought mine did but we're going through this bad patch and it's awful because often it feels like we're strangers. now i feel better that i can hardly ever read. i have about 10 books usually on my table that i've started but i can never finish any. i really want to try and i get so frustrated that i'm not doing it. short stories work sometimes and easy to read books - can usually read any kind of memoir by someone who's gone through a tough life experience; easy and quick. add is still supposed to be mainly a childhood thing and you will grow out of it but i think its' the opposite. i look back and see the beginnings of it but i did so much better than now, maybe because school gave me such a tight structure and rules to keep me froim going off. but i could focus to do my homework till i was about 15/16 and was much more disciplined than i am now.
i bet being a music therapist would be wonderful. i've got sick and tired of always focusing on my career so for now i'm just going to accept the job i have and concentrate on the extra-curric. life. but to really do more with that i would need a better paid job.i just don't really deep down believe i will ever get paid much more than i do now. i used to analyse this to death but i think it's just because you know that with add its too hard/

must go, got in-laws here this week. pretty tough! hope your week is going well.

i just turned 38 this week and i too am acutely aware now of how little i've really learned up till now and don't feel too hopeful that i'll do much better the second half, but i hope a bit. when i lived in thailand i was attracted to buddhism but didn't want any religion then and like you said the focussing problem makes so many things impossible to do properly or at all really. i'm wary but think it's time to try a different approach and not much else appeals at present. i'm hankering after reading something that will speak to me with our problems - do you have any recommendations? i read a lot of nonfiction normally but about 8 years ago i discoverd the novelist jean rhys - not really her more famous novel wide sargasso sea but her other novels - they are all about alienation and i loved them.
how on earth did you manage 4 kids with add??? i'm sure i'm going to struggle with one. i feel awful saying this but i'm glad i go to work and he goes to a minder because i'd be way too frazzled, and bored, doing this job day in day out. i adore him but..... after your accident are you scared of what the impulsivity can do? when jacob was just a few weeks old he had an awful fall mainly due to my add - i just didn't see ahead and just did something without thinking. he is really sociable so maybe he'll help me but i'm dreading how social i'll have to be. because i have zippo planning ability i am this age with no real possessions and still renting and that's another fear.
sorry, just one more question - how do you stay married with add too? my marriage is in a bit of a mess and really i put alot of it down to my problems - they've led me to act in ways that have made him now pretty mad at me. money, selfishness,......

i'm really tired tonight so will just go and lie on the couch with a book - i have about 10 on the go at the same time - how add is that?

i travelled a lot in my twenties, mostly in asia, but could never really let myself go the hippy route although i find myself often wondering about what it would be like to live in a commune. when i think back to those days i was a lot more relaxed and happy and i did dress like a hippy. i've also spent a lot of time fantasising about becoming a recluse and living alone in some deserted scottish highland village or something. or even just going off periodically on walkabout. but it's ridiculous really because i would go mad if i was living alone miles away from civilization. i probably would become seriously mentally ill. i've decided i should start exploring my spirituality and thought maybe joining a church would give me a community that would feel nurturing and non-judgmental. but maybe it will end up like all other experiences in my past, i don't know. i feel like i need to be less self-focussed and practice more service, helping other people. maybe this will produce some change in me and make me happier and more at peace. i know the more i retreat the less social i become. it's hard though because at heart i want to be that person who's a loner and i want to be able to drift and go walkabout every so often alll by myself. there has to be a way to look after all these needs. doesn't there?

i listened to a couple of songs and really liked them a lot. i hardly ever discover new music or even listen to any these days and it's such a great way to unwind. nursery rhymes don't count! motherhood just takes all of you and there's so little left for other pursuits/thoughts. i feel like i cant hold a proper adult conversation any more sometimes and that's scary.
i know i have problems with groups because even as a young child i set myself apart. it felt safer as i knew i was different and more sensitive than everyone else. and the pattern was set young. i was an only child too with unhappy parents who divorced and my mum then moved onto another unhappy marriage. sometimes i do try to join in. i understand that to be welcomed into a group i have to give more and cooperate but that involves some sacrifice and giving up of myself. i think that's the problem in my marriage too. i don't know i'm really willing to do that; i want too much to still be a free spirit who answers to no one but maybe it's something i really need to learn to be happy. i do need other people so maybe i will have to change a bit, no a lot.
must go away and think about that now. thanks, i will listen to more of your music later.