The desire to be the perfect Mom.
Lately I find every day to be the biggest struggle. I don't know whether it's that school is out and all three of my children are home. We live in the very south-western corner of Louisiana so it's HOT and HUMID all day!!! So, sending the kids outside to play lasts all of maybe 10minutes and then they come back in drenched in sweat and then don't want to go back outside for a few days! I told myself I was going to give them chores, and I tell them to do them...but then I fail to follow up and make sure they're doing them. My daughter, I'm afraid, has inherited ADHD. I find myself getting so aggravated with her because I ask her to go get something for me and she goes to that room but comes back with something totally different because she forgot I told her to get something. And bless her heart...I can tell myself that she doesn't mean to act that way, but yet I still get frustrated. I constantly blame my two oldest children, who mind you are only 7 and 4, when my 20mo old climbs on top of the table or when they leave the bathroom door open and he goes in and plays in the toilet!
I know that sounds AWFUL and I probably sound like a HORRIBLE Mother. But I'm just trying to be honest so that maybe someone can offer some advice. I work from home, so I am usually trying to hurry up and get my work done, but there are so many distractions constantly going on that the work that should only take me maybe 3hrs a day ends up taking ALL day. I tried waiting to do it until at night and that just made me stay up late resulting in me sleeping late the next morning, meaning I took my morning dose when it was nearly afternoon and then the afternoon dose later than I should and then I'm up late again!!!!
I just feel like my children deserve a better mother than me. They deserve a Mom who will take them to the park at 'just the right time of day', who will plan picnics with them, who will call their friends Moms to invite them over (I forget), who will bake cookies with them and let them help even though they may spill sugar and flour everywhere. I feel like they deserve a Mom who will come up with a strict schedule once and for all and they will go to bed at a certain time every night with their teeth adequately brushed and flossed. Their Mom should read stories to them every night at bedtime. Their Mom should fix them a good nutritional breakfast and not forget lunch just because she's not hungry. Their Mom should make the younger two take a nap at a good time of the day so that they're not cranky in the afternoon and end up having a late nap.
I know this has been very long. So I guess I'll sum it up: Trying to the perfect mom to three children as a whole is difficult. Trying to be the perfect Mom to three children individually is even more difficult. I just wish I could find a way to be better without feeling as though I have to be perfect. I wish I could make my heart and brain understand that I don't have to be perfect, because sometimes I think that is the problem - I'm so overwhelmed with being the perfect Mom that I shut down completely because it's just too difficult to accomplish.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Yiyelli on -
Eva I am right there with you. I have rheumatoid Arthritis and probably fibromylgia per my Rhuemo. The chronic fatigue makes my ADD so much worse. Ughs :) without adderAll I can barely get out of bed and am so much more forgetful and scatter brained than I already am lol.
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Permalink Reply by Alli Gaulin on -
Gosh, I could've written this. I don't have any advice but just wanted you to know you are not the only one. I really thought I was the only Mom who really wanted to be a good mom who wasn't a good mom. As in, there are two kinds of Moms- Moms who do it all and those who don't care. I can see I am quite wrong about that.
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Permalink Reply by Eva O'Malley on -
Alli, I think there are moms that do it all for show not what is truely in their kids best interest. Here is my list of good parenting criteria.
Listen to our children (not obey)
Respect them, no name calling (brat, whiner, miss priss, etc)
Ask them their ideas on how to solve a problem instead of giving them choices
Hang out in their rooms with them, without passing judgement on if the room is tidy or not.
Ask them what the favorite part of thier day was....and what was the least favorite.
Be proactive, challenging behavior can be predictable, avoid those triggers.
Materialistic things are fine as reward, your time playing Mall Madness, Monsters etc with them is also a reward.
All the the things you think are doing wrong are not ones that they will remember.
My kids are now 16,17.5, and 23. They are constantly surrising me with what they thought was a good time or great memory.
Ask your kids tonight that question. See what they say...you will be surprised.
Let me know too.
E
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Permalink Reply by Alli Gaulin on
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Thank you Eva. I will ask them. I do actually ask them every day what their favorite part of the day was. But I don't ask them about the worst part so I will now. And I haven't asked them before what their favorite memories are. I did sit down with my son the other day and I asked him about what makes him happy and what makes him sad. I was surprised when I asked him specifically, "Do I make you sad sometimes?" He thought about it for a minute and said, "No. I can't remember a time when you made me sad." Which was a relief because I yell ALL THE TIME. And I would've thought that would make him sad, he's very very sensitive. I can see him melt when someone says something to him that hurts him. His whole body reacts to it. It's painful to watch as a Mama.
I do hope they have some good memories. I have to admit that the most important thing I want for my kids is to grow up feeling loved and cherished. And for the most part, I fail at that, horribly. I believe a lot of it is because of the ADHD. I get so agitated when I am bored so I rarely do things like play games with them. Their messes make me crazy, I am yelling all the time about it. They all pile in the car every day after school and they start asking for things, "Can we go here, Can I have so and so over, can you do this for me?" And I was always so irritated by that and so it would make me grumpy. I see now that the questions overwhelmed me. They were putting me on the spot by asking me to think through whether it was a good idea to get them dunkin donuts or not or what the process would be to get a friend to our house and then all of that would be tied up in the question of whether they were getting too much, are they too privileged, are they acting spoiled, are their rooms clean, how much sugar is in a donut and when was the last time they had a treat, and then..dinner, what do I cook for dinner, which is the next question that always annoyed me because it would require me to think about it and then do it. Fortunately, the medication is helping this too. I feel so much less overwhelmed and I think this will make all the difference in the world.
I was planning to sit down at some point this week and make a list of the things that I want to be now that I can be those things. And one is a happy Mom who loves more than she yells. I do not expect that I will have it all together, that permission slips will be in on time, that they will have matching socks or sneakers on gym day every time, but I do want a place for them to feel loved.
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Permalink Reply by Melody on -
I am feeling the frustrations and anguish you are all expressing. I have been striving for that feeling of love and respect for years. In fact, I FINALLY made the move and left an abusive marriage of 18yrs. at the end of the summer. The kids are in a new school & our home is quieter, calmer, and more peaceful. The kids are able to just BE in all their imperfections and messes, forgetfulness & distractions. I talk to them about the importance of just feeling ok with who you are while working to always do your very best. I hope I am leading by example as they know I have ADD too and work to do my best by setting timers to take my medicine, occomplish deadlines, and follow through with goals. I also try to verbalize when I make mistakes (no doubt they hear plenty of that!) and being that I have returned to graduate school.... OY!
My thoughts are with you all.
Melody~
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Permalink Reply by Ashley Caldwell on
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ME TOO!!!! I'm so happy I came across this site while searching for resources to help me cope with life. I have a 1 1/2 year old daughter, and two stepdaughters full time (ages 7 and 13), plus a dog, cat, and husband. I feel SO overwhelmed and was just up crying last night because I feel like I'm so bad at being a mom and a wife....and bad at being an adult period! I was a frazzled teacher and quit... I've been unemployed since before I had my daughter and I need to find a job...but I am literally SCARED to work. If life is this difficult without a job, I can only imagine what it will be like working full-time. Not to mention that I am scared that I will suck at any job I get. I'm going to order the Survival Tips for Women book, and have been trying to find a support group. It really makes me feel so much better to hear from other people experiencing the same issues, especially when my husband and super-responsible mother don't understand.
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Permalink Reply by motormom on -
Perfect moms...hmmm. Is there any such thing? Parenting in itself is a learning process for each of us, and each of us do what we know, how we can, and in the best way we are able. It is when we condemn ourselves for not measuring up either in our own eyes or in the eyes of those around us that we diminish who we are.
Let me pose the question, a very serious touchy question....Do you measure your children up in this same manner of imperfection? Do we as moms look at our children and condemn them for not fitting our standards? Or do we judge them and criticize them for not being so called perfect? Yep, at times we do, when we are alone, we silently desire them to be perfect in an imperfect world, where their imperfections are simply not perfect. In the very same sense, we are not perfect nor should we bring ourselves down to the very reason why we gather here to discuss being moms, having ADD/ADHD, combined with other conditions, or being single moms with these conditions with children with condtions. Basically what I mean is...that even in our imperfections, we are perfect for the children we are blessed with. We are perfect in our growth processes, we are perfect in thinking that we suck as moms, that we dont measure up to what others think we should be...it is normal to feel this way, therefore it is somehow a perfect example of the perfectness of what being a mom encompasses. Questioning ourselves is a pathway to enlightenment, for change, for growth and for accepting what and who we are or what we hope to become.
Do you accept your children and love them for who they are? Sure we'd all like to say our children are "perfect", and to us...they are. We attempt to give them the tools and skills needed to grow into able adults. We make mistakes, we are not perfect. They make mistakes and are not perfect. Wouldn't this not mean that while those around us who "don't understand" and make us feel less than, is the very same thing that we choose to do or suggest about ourselves?
Wouldn't this also mean that as we do what we do as moms, with our children in helping them live with their conditions, while battling the others who "dont understand" them...in essence mirroring the very things we appall that they judge in our children or in us?
It is so very important for each of you to realize that just as we hope our kids do the best that they are capable of doing throughout their young lives into adulthood, is the very same thing we must accept and instill within ourselves. We are moms, moms with ADD or other ails, and with or without support systems to let us know we are doing right by ourselves, our children, families, and or friends....it is within each of us to look at ourselves with Love and Understanding, taking care of ourselves so that we can be the best moms, daughters, sisters, friends and individuals we are capable of being...
Perfection is multi-faceted and our differences go against what it is to be considered normal or perfect, but within that concept is the remaining fact of who we are within.....being perfected to the apex of our own perfection. Try not to be so hard on yourself Lostinlalaland...and to Yiyelli, Alli, Eva, Melody and Ashley....YOU are not alone, and together here is a place where there are no criticisms or judgements...only support, concern and encouragement...Thank you for all sharing your posts and sharing your thoughts with us...
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Permalink Reply by maureen doyle on -
Oh no, LostinLaLaland, thats such a terrible burden you put on yourself... Ive just noticed your post is from 2010, hope that nearly 2 yrs down the track things have improved for you :)
Also I think all mothers try to be the "perfect" mum, wer'e our own worst enemies much of the time especially having this frustrating condition ADD :( I can totally relate to when you try and set tasks for your children, then forget to make sure their doing them! Im exactly the same with my children and feel like a terrible failure, my boys are teens now and one 2yr old, the older boys I wish I could go back in time many many times and "fix'" the mistakes I made, especially not being consistant with discipline and making sure they were doing chores...
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Permalink Reply by Melanie Kohler-Schlager on
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I am FAR from the perfect Mom, in my eyes, but now that I am old (37) and my kids are ages 17, 18 and 20 with a granddaughter 2, I found the measure of momhood has nothing to do with the perception of ourselves. Us moms with ADHD need alot of outside people telling us how great our kids are and how we are doing a great job cause we aen't going to see it and that frustrates us to no end.
I am a perfectionist, OK disillusioned perfectionist. I will try anything and if I can't figure it out or it doesn't look perfect the 1st try, I decide I'm not ever going to be good at that and on to something else. When we have kids, we can't go on to something else.
I signed up for every parenting thing I could go to. I took so many parenting classes and I tossed most of the info out of my head cause I knew it wouldn't work with me BUT I got to hear other parents struggles and it helps emensily. I also got the over critical, snooty "your doing it wrongs" along the way but that just made the ADHD in me want to prove them wrong. Nothing helps me more than a "bad review" or someone telling me I can't do it.
When my olderst was 4 years old I found a really good friend that had kids older than mine but only by a few years (from church) and I admired how her kids behaved "all the time" and so very polite. She was the nicest person you could meet and she taught me that loving the kids was to dicipline them (meaning to teach them). My 1st task was to ask myself how I wanted my kids turn out in the long run and what my definate values were that I needed them to learn. I was a SUPER young mom and I was determined to project a perfect picture of love and happiness when we were out and about. HAHAHA, that only happens if the kids are truly loved and happy, LOL.
Most valueable advise I got by far; Don't lie to the kids. If you say "next time you do that I'm going to blank" mean it or DON"T say it. If you have no intention on spanking them, don't tell them they're "gonna get it". I used to do that ALOT. Some fabulous woman pointed out it was lieing to the kids and a lightbulb came on.
I have learned that you have to be a bit more specific cause the crazy is in the details. We make it way too complicated. I do anyway, I gotta make everything as complicated as possible so my brain can comprehend it. Drives my husband insane, but he loves me anyway. We had 1 "rule" in the house, "nobody gets hurt". the obvious is physical (themselves or others) but I also ment emotional. I made the kids come up with the list of what "hurts" and added to it and then revisited when needed or as they got older. It taught them to be kind and look after each other. That behavior spills onto everyone else. THAT is what saved me. Who cares if they don't clean their room all the time, seriously...... You can stand over them if you have time but I FORGET to even go in there rooms. Their bathroom drives me insane cause EVERY visitor uses it and they hear yelling and screaming and my insanity making them help me get the house "PERFECT" for when people are expected to visit so obviously they get the hint it is easier to keep it clean than have to spend 8 hours the day before an event.
Cause and effect, our ADHD best friend! Use every effect, good or bad, as a teachable moment. they fell off a stool cause they were being careless... "Well Joey, It's aweful you fell, I saw you were jumping on the stool and warned this would happen....gonna do it again? tell me how that happened and how do you avoid it later?" depending on the age and bring up the Rule ;o). They refused to mow the lawn and then wanted a ride later to a friends house ........."did you mow the lawn?" If you ALWAYS do what you say and tell them lawn or no ride, I swear a 1/2 acre farm will be mowed in 20 minutes! I liked to award good behavior so if they completed a task, that I didn't give a time limit for, I would take them to a friends house.
for a long time I was "lazy" and would think of every excuse not to let the kids do something and chores was the easiest one and even if they ran and did the chore I didn't give in........... made for miserable kids AND pretty soon even if they forgot they didn't run to do it cause they wouldn't get what they wanted anyway....... I'm glad SOMEONE pointed out that that "might" be a reason the kids never did anything even when I "took their stuff or some other punishment" There was never anything in it for them so "damned if they do, damned if they don't". If I was treated that same way I would have never done chored either........IN FACT, I never did chores when asked cause they were written for me to find when I got home from school and thiss ADHD kid would forget to read the list or it wouldn't occure to me that there is a list even though all heck would break loose when my mom got home. Same thing every day but my brain never put 2 and 2 together! My mom finally got wise and figured out the distraction (TV) and did something about that distraction but I will save that for another post.
I talk too much and say nothing so I will end with, YOUR ALL AWESOME MOMS!! Nobody is perfect but don't be a lazy parent, like I was for a long time. Your not going to see how great you are until your kids are applying to colleges and you read their personal statements or your kids become moms themselves, then and only then will you get to cry your eyes out for the BEST reason EVER! The validation from your own kids being successful that you truly were the parent you wanted to be but could never see it for yourself. The fact your stressing about it, is proof to me YOU ROCK! It's the ones that think they are perfect or the ones that don't care that I worry about.
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Permalink Reply by natalie on
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I am 46 yrs old, have a 28,26,24,20,14 & 12 yr olds, when I was younger I was more strict about my kids doing chores and stuff, but now I print out chore charts and tell my youngest 2 that they are going to start helping around the house and it lasts for maybe a week or 2 alot of times I feel like a bad parent . I try to follow flylady but I never do. I have not been diagnosed with add, but I know I have it. I know my 12 yr old daughter has it to, and I want to help her, but how do I if I cannot get my self organized.
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