I just want to know if anyone else feels the same way I do and if anyone does...can you give me some advice or tips or point me in the direction of some reading that might help?
Lately I find every day to be the biggest struggle. I don't know whether it's that school is out and all three of my children are home. We live in the very south-western corner of Louisiana so it's HOT and HUMID all day!!! So, sending the kids outside to play lasts all of maybe 10minutes and then they come back in drenched in sweat and then don't want to go back outside for a few days! I told myself I was going to give them chores, and I tell them to do them...but then I fail to follow up and make sure they're doing them. My daughter, I'm afraid, has inherited ADHD. I find myself getting so aggravated with her because I ask her to go get something for me and she goes to that room but comes back with something totally different because she forgot I told her to get something. And bless her heart...I can tell myself that she doesn't mean to act that way, but yet I still get frustrated. I constantly blame my two oldest children, who mind you are only 7 and 4, when my 20mo old climbs on top of the table or when they leave the bathroom door open and he goes in and plays in the toilet!
I know that sounds AWFUL and I probably sound like a HORRIBLE Mother. But I'm just trying to be honest so that maybe someone can offer some advice. I work from home, so I am usually trying to hurry up and get my work done, but there are so many distractions constantly going on that the work that should only take me maybe 3hrs a day ends up taking ALL day. I tried waiting to do it until at night and that just made me stay up late resulting in me sleeping late the next morning, meaning I took my morning dose when it was nearly afternoon and then the afternoon dose later than I should and then I'm up late again!!!!
I just feel like my children deserve a better mother than me. They deserve a Mom who will take them to the park at 'just the right time of day', who will plan picnics with them, who will call their friends Moms to invite them over (I forget), who will bake cookies with them and let them help even though they may spill sugar and flour everywhere. I feel like they deserve a Mom who will come up with a strict schedule once and for all and they will go to bed at a certain time every night with their teeth adequately brushed and flossed. Their Mom should read stories to them every night at bedtime. Their Mom should fix them a good nutritional breakfast and not forget lunch just because she's not hungry. Their Mom should make the younger two take a nap at a good time of the day so that they're not cranky in the afternoon and end up having a late nap.
I know this has been very long. So I guess I'll sum it up: Trying to the perfect mom to three children as a whole is difficult. Trying to be the perfect Mom to three children individually is even more difficult. I just wish I could find a way to be better without feeling as though I have to be perfect. I wish I could make my heart and brain understand that I don't have to be perfect, because sometimes I think that is the problem - I'm so overwhelmed with being the perfect Mom that I shut down completely because it's just too difficult to accomplish.
I'm adding to this post almost three years later. One of the best pieces of advice I have to offer, which I think was offered by some you as well, is to not lose your sense of humor. Three years ago I did lose my sense of humor and I am so glad to have it back. I started seeing a therapist for a while and she gave me another piece of advice, which is to remember Q.T.I.P. - Quit Taking It Personally. The hateful things others can say to us sometimes, because we make easy targets, is often the result of their own unhappiness.
Since my original post, and with the help of the right treatment, I have earned a Bachelor's degree and am almost finished earning my Master's in the Art of Teaching. I was given an opportunity to teach a class specifically for students with autism spectrum disorder. How amazing this job is and I truly feel as though a higher power pointed me down this path. I love working with students with learning needs. So many of their frustrations with adolescence make perfect sense to me. I feel like this is my calling and for the first time in my life I can honestly say that I feel proud to be who I am - even with ADD. I feel like it makes me a better teacher because I can identify with some of the students' struggles. I understand the idea that it's not always that a student "won't do"; rather its that they "can't do" because I had many moments in my youth when I just "couldn't do" an assignment or make 'A's'.
My daughter was finally diagnosed with ADD and given meds. After a few weeks on meds I ran into her pediatrician in town and she asked how everything was going. I gave her a huge hug and became teary-eyed as I told her how wonderful she had been doing. She loves school now, loves to read, and helps out so much more at home. Our relationship has improved so very much because we are both better able to manage our symptoms. My relationship with all three of my kids has improved and not because I am able to accomplish all of the things I said I couldn't in my original post. I have just finally found some peace.
I hope and pray that you all have or will find some peace as well. If you haven't, hang in there. There are so many tools out there to help us, the hard part is finding the ones that fit our lives best. What works for me may not work for someone else. And what works this month may not work next month.