Testing results are back

and I do have ADD -- Inattentive type. It became one of the most important days of my life, giving me answers to all of the challenges I've faces for 44 years. I came out of the office with a big smile on my face though a bit nervous about medication, but still hopeful.  

My diagnoses has been a bit of a roller coaster ride in relation to some of the important people in my life. My husband was at first negative, but then when he looked up information on the Internet immedicately, calmed down because it was what I had already told him. He has also choose to read a consolidated chapter in one of the ADD books, which I am so very greatful for. It really helped me to have him back in my court.

Then when I was talking with my Mom by phone across the country I learned that she already knew my diagnoses. I asked her when she knew & she told me since I was in 6ht grade (1969/70). I had asked repeatedly as an adult for more information about my learning disability diagnoses, as I had no specific name. I kept getting a sweep the past under the rug response, and to just think of the positive things that have happened to me. Her response shut me down in explaining that I still experienced challenges and I was looking for answers. Now after all these years she told me she didn't want me labeled (she used some other term that I haven't read before & it wasn't the mimumal brain thing, as I was still in shock by her news) nor did she want me taking medication as she thought children on medication were "zombies". Of course I told her that either their medication needed to be adjusted or a different one was needed. The three of us put in Herculian efforts to help me learn without medication, which I know is more then many parents out there. For that I am greatful.  I did much better in life then they ever dreamed possible, but she decided alone that my adult life was "good enough" as it was, and she decided I didn't needed to know I had ADD, even though she knew I was searching. 

Whenever I breached the subject of my childhood diagnoses my Dad always deferred to my Mom, and it was obvious she wanted the topic closed. About three months ago Dad did finally let me know where testing was done as a child before passing me off to her. That lead me to my own search to learn those results, but I learned that records are destroyed if not gotten before 21. I got the typical response from my parents just before I made arrangements for diagnoses. I didn't tell them my plans, as I didn't want that to become an issue between us. At one point about 3 yrs ago I told her I suspected I might had ADD and she still didn't response in kind,

I had searched everywhere except in the ADHD books, because I wasn't hyperactive, but that was about the only place I hadn't looked and Driven to Distraction starting catching my eye from the bookshelf. After I read Hallowell/Ratey then Sari Solden on the subject I realize that this might me my answer. It wasn't until I found the womenwithadhd.com site & this one that I realized that it wasn't uncommon for someone my age to be diagnosed. I had no biological children who could have been my forrunners for a diagnoses. But I did have much younger family members on my family tree who became diagnosed as children.

I managed to hold it together on the phone with Mom this last time, so I could glean as much information as possible, and was able to put forth some positive information. I did not discuss medication with her and will not do so. I told her that there is more information available, that there were some resources for me on the internet, and I was looking forward to learning about tools to help me over the next 30 or so years I'm alive. She left the topic open for further discussion before we hung up.

Afterward I had a quick errand to run, when the pressure of my feelings welled up and I had to sit down on a bench to wait my turn as I felt overwhelmed. I high tailed it home, letting go verbally the hurt I was feeling. I felt similar to someone who suspected they might be adopted and then find out at age 50. I feel hurt. I can understand as a child if they chose to withhold information, but not after 30, especially upon my own enquiry. This was not the first major incident where something was withheld from me that is extremely important in my life, but is the one that affects my daily existence. I am managing through this better the past several days, but I do except and respond to my bodies natural response to this situation. I am so greatful for the support of others through roller coaster experience.  

I thought maybe there might be some of you who understand this situation and might give some perspective here.   ~Marr