Relationships: When ADHD Gets In the Way

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Permalink Reply by Rebekah on February 8, 2012 at 5:06pm

I can relate so much to momherdingcats (I I think that's right, maybe not?) about the issues with your husband and communication. I can't ever remember anything in a detailed way and am always wrong and it's sooooo frustrating.

I also got a lot from what Jillian posted about Jacquelyn (I'm not sure if that's spelled right or not) and her husband having the upper hand by refusing to deal with her add by learning about it. I think my husband is doing that too...maybe not purposefully, but he doesn't want to face his part in the problems, so he just does nothing and blames me because it's easier.

Thank you all so much for sharing

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Permalink Reply by Gillian Gahagan on February 8, 2012 at 7:54pm

Hello,

You know, I only have one boy and I feel like I am at my wit's end, so I can Imagine it would be no picnic to have A.D.D and two boys, who also have A.d.d! Sheesh! Give yourself a break and a big ol' pat on the back, because if was in your shoes I might be swingin' from the rafters! (kidding, Not going to do that.) Sounds like you could use some help. (as can we all, to be sure...) I don't know what your situation is financially, but if you can afford it at all, it would be great for you to have an a.d.d. coach/ therapist. Someone to at least talk to when your feeling overwhelmed, who can help sort you out. Even an understanding Doc would help.

I have only one child, and 'though may lay down and die for my little guy if the need be, I went through the wringer from about 0-4.  Arran had colic, and I barely had any sleep for 9 months, (no I could not let him "cry it out.") He screamed, not cried, screamed, for more than half the night when he was a baby. He didn't really sleep through the night until about 3 years old. and for a couple of years, he used to have crazy tantrums. He also used to throw things at me, and that kid has had a major league arm since he was 1 and a half. I felt Sooo overwhelmed all the time. I was always wondering what was wrong with me, because I thought I was supposed to be enjoying motherhood. I suffered from sleep deprivation, which really didn't help with say, anything, including: patience, anger management, ability to discipline and or structure the day effectively, orgainization-- which in turn affected my self-esteem as a mother big time. I had very little support-- no family in the area to help out consistently, and for about 9 months, my husband worked away during the week. Yay,

I wish I could go back time so that I could have been a better mom. However, some things that have helped me forgive myself are:

Knowing that my situation with Arran as a baby was extreme, and I had little support--including from my husband.

And, in general for all mothers--

In other countries and cultures around the world, people are not so disconnected from their families and their communities, and they have much, much more support with new baby's and child rearing in general, from grandmothers, aun'ts, cousin's, older kids, you name it. So, I think even if you don't have A.D.D, being a mother in this culture is hard. So let's try no to be so hard on ourselves... ( operative word being....try)

So, all that being said, I've been broke or close to it most of my life, so I understand if you can't afford to see someone, but even a support group would help--

I have also suffered alot from anxiety in the past. I have tried meds, but did not like the side effects. What has helped:

Find a quiet space at night when the kids are asleep. Do not feel pressured to do laundry or the dishes. They can wait.

Set up Google Calendar/tasks. I have some good task managers that sync with google calander on my ipod touch. Do some time organizing. Download Evernote computer and Evernote App to phone.. This is a great tool for A.d.der's-- you can jot down anything including a grocery list and it will automatically sync to the app on your phone, ipad, or whatever. I use it for lists, remembering stuff I don't want to forget-- literally anything. I also am setting up a meal planner app (menu-planner is the best) because this is also something I suck at. Let technology help-- If we're hell bent on depleting resources to fuel technology, you might as well let it help you...

I suggest this because, just taking the initiative to get organized by  setting up calendars and schedule's, and using whatever tools out there available to you, will help you feel like you are taking action, and will help you feel less overwhelmed--even if you don't use it consistently right away or if it doesn't transform your life right away, just taking action helps anxiety.

Disclaimer-- at least it works for me...most of the time..!

Anyway, If it makes you feel any better about being single-- I am married, and it's falling apart.. I'm deathly afraid, because in my single life, I couldn't keep a job, or finish school, or..... support myself, or... wow, it's enough to get me down all over again.

I just really wish there was some affordable help out there for all of the struggling A.D.Der's. We try so G$d darn hard, always trying harder, bouncing back from failures, trying to be optimistic, thinking that, darnnit, this time things will be different! We all deserve A for effort, and there should be some free help for us, because many of us can't hold a job!

Whew, sorry, guess I went on a bit of a rant.

Anyway, good luck with your meds, and hopefully things start looking up now that everyone is getting treated...

Sincerely, 

Gillian

Samantha Desmarais said:

It really has been so hard, to keep a relationship. I hurry up and love them, and move on. I want to be married i love everything about a marraige. but my longest relationship has been 9 months. I am now a 25 year old single mother. My older son who's 6 you could tell from day one he was brilliant but also has adhd. and because I love him so much and knew how hard school was, just paying attention not being able to do my homework, i still learned it all though, i'm not stupid i'm very smart, creative, but couldn't focus, enough to do the actual work failed everything from 2nd grade through highschool. Because of him I got my GED. I tried college but even as an adult I couldn't do my homework. And so I got him on meds last week, he is in first grade and is already suffering to do work, be quite, sit, not yell out answers. I will not put him through that he will do good in school and be somebody, Go to college have a real life. not until today did i finally get myself on medicine. because of my son i completely looked back through my life and realize how much the adhd has run my entire life, no steady boyfriend, even though i did have a lot of really great men who would of done anything for me but I just don't know I couldn't. Jobs ha ha the first week it was the greatest job i learned so much, one to two months i'm calling in, then eventually just don't show up one day and move on to the next. I want a real career, I want to have a normal relationship.

I have become OCD, get anxiety all the time probably 7 times a day, I get irritable, snappy, go through depression from time to time when things get REALLY overwhelming, and I'm falling apart. I have to right check lists for everything set timers on my phone, write everything down. chasing around two boys 3 and 6. one who doesn't stop just go go go, and the other one cries he still has trouble communicating, so he cries, Loud. can we say sensory overload? Big time. I avoid going to wal-mart with my children I go to get in and out, i'm on a mission and the questions, the fighting, can i have this? all the people around, loud, and i get such bad anxiety i almost feel angry towards the people in the store.

Lol well i don't know but i'm on my way to making things better my son and i are on meds his schooling is doing 90% better, I start classes next week, and my 3 year old starts speach therapy.

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