Relationships: When ADHD Gets In the Way
ADHD plays a big role in developing, growing and keeping relationships. How has ADHD effected your relationships with your friends, your significant others, your kids, and/or your family members?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Terry Matlen on -
One area that we seem to have problems with is re-connecting with old friends and maintaining relationships with current friends. Are you staying in touch with yours?
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Permalink Reply by Karen Collins on -
Ironically I was just apologizing to a dear friend for not being able to visit with her this weekend even though I miss her like crazy. I finally got together with my oldest (longest time not age) friend this week and we are swearing to get together more regularly (it's been at least 6 months and we live 5 miles from each other). Even though I know this is an important part of my life, why is it so hard to carve out this time and make it a priority?
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Permalink Reply by Terry Matlen on
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Hi Karen,
I think it's a combination of things. For one, I think it's a "out of sight, out of mind" situation. We WANT to stay connected, but we simply forget! That, plus for many, we get so caught up in our daily "stuff" that we don't allow ourselves time to reach out socially.
I say we put it on our to-do list or whatever one uses to remember things, and make it a goal to connect with friends on a regular basis.
Terry
Karen Collins said:Ironically I was just apologizing to a dear friend for not being able to visit with her this weekend even though I miss her like crazy. I finally got together with my oldest (longest time not age) friend this week and we are swearing to get together more regularly (it's been at least 6 months and we live 5 miles from each other). Even though I know this is an important part of my life, why is it so hard to carve out this time and make it a priority?
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Permalink Reply by Felicia on -
I am so thrilled to hear these stories, and be able to share some of my own concerns, and sturggles, that for so long have thought made me ODD. It's really refreshing and quite funny to read and relate to so many stories..... admit it, when you read of someone else doing the SAME thing you are doing... it's funny! ( just not while we are going through it...)
Im very successful at my job, but ONLY because im a VERY good sales person, and produce large numbers for my boss, and that they are VERY understanding of my ADHD. In fact it was my boss who is a Dr. who first said he thinks I may have ADHD. ( plastic surgeon ) I am an Esthetician ( skin care specialist ) and because of my fly by the seat of my pant mantality am very good at what I do here in the office. BUT!!!!!! Im a scatter brain with EVERYTHING else in my life!!!
I HATE it!!!! it drives my children crazy... I am divorced 10 years, made impulsive decisions in my youth and was married with 2 children by the time I was 23. Now at 40, I have 2 children one with ADHD (14) one wthout, (17)... I married young since I felt stupid, married the first college educated man that came along. I was a stay at home mom for the entire 8 years I was married, not thinking I was smart enough to EVER do anything else.
When I got divorced, @ 29 I felt like a baby bird flying out of a nest... scared to death... what was I going to do, not wanting to ride the coat tails of my ex husband forever.. ( and I could have )
I enrolled in Esthetics school and went full-time for 6 months, it was the HARDEST thing in my life to complete!!! While the average learner would have breezed right through the class.... it was VERY hard for me. To complete this course you need to then become state licenced, to work either with a Dr. or in a Spa. I worked in a Spa for 2 yeas and was VERY bored. We tend to get BORED dont we?? So I thought I would get into sales doing something... so I posted my resume on Monster board and listed my training in Esthetics and a head hunter found me... to work in a plastic Surgeons office as an Esthetician!!! She called me in for an interview I thought there is NO WAY I am smart enough for this.... NO WAY will they hire me....... ( im still to stupid ) any one can massage a face at a Spa but to work for a Dr..... ???? no way....
With the support of a great friend who said FAKE it till you MAKE it.... I did just that... I acted so CONFIDENT and landed that job! That day.. with all my segways and lack of focus my interview was 4 hours! They LOVED me. and NEVER knew how SCARED to death I was. I have SO MANY ideas!! So many thoughts yet CANT put any into PLAY! Yet, they can!! So its become such a GREAT team, and situation!!! 9 years later..... Im still here...
4 years into the job I was diagnosed with ADHD.. ( duh, no suprise ) ..... (I knew I had it all along just never thuoght med's could REALLY change your life) if someone would have told me I would be making the kind of money I am making today at 29 I would have said NO WAY!!!! not possible....
Im here to tell you... the little girl who got called dumb,lazy, flighty, and never follow through with anything.... has a GREAT job and is very successful at it. I made 88K last year.... ( makes me cry)
HOWEVER--- like all of us, its so hard for me to do 2 things at once.... so, I struggle to have relationships... clean the house.. go in different directions with my children and their activities... thank goodness for direct pay online bills... I simply would just forget to pay my bills... ( had the money.. just forget!) cell phone turned off cable bill ect..... how FRUSTRATING for my children.... IMAGINE! ten imagine how much of a failure we feel like... come on I know I am not alone..... Medication has helped but I still struggle...
Like right now... I should be WORKING!! not sitting here writting!!
I hope my story helps someone to KEEP reaching!!
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Permalink Reply by T. on -
What about staying connected to your husband?
I find it hard to stay connected emotionally and physically. I love him dearly and think he's the cutest, sexy man around. However, I am not "interest" Is it the meds, Perimenopause & all the hormones, the nature of being ADHD, 2 kids with ADHD to raise or all of the above? (think I'm see in big "all of the above" answer as I type)
I wish I could be in the mood at the drop of a hat like he can be....
Am I alone her or is it more likely for us to have even less interest in intimacy?
T.
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Permalink Reply by Melissa A. on -
I have a wonderful husband and a great mom. I can talk to both about almost anything. This is a real blessing and probably helps to keep me mentally healthy. But I grieve regularly about my lack of connection with friends. I have never been good at keeping in touch once a friend is out of my day to day life. I have 5 old friends who live out of state that I sort of keep in touch with. Fortunately, they are forgiving and still love me even though our emails, calls and visits are sporadic. I have only a few close friends that are in town. I have just one or two friends I could call up to simply talk, and I can't think of one person who I could just sit around with and talk to all night, no inhibitions, like when I was young. That's really what I miss.
I once tried to describe to a non-ADHD family member my difficulty with staying connected with friends. It seems like I "forget" how it feels to be in relationship with my friend when I don't see her often.
When it comes to making new friends, it's tough to find time. It's difficult to remember to call and email, to ask her how her trip was or how her appointment went. I think of these things at the wrong time like lying in bed at 1am. It's also tough to find safety in these middle-adulthood friendships- Will my new friend be non-judgemental? will my friend accept that I am disorganized, intelligent yet scatter brained, have it together one day and need a lot of help the next? That I feel shy at times and impulsively talkative at other times? Does my new friend want to be friends? Lots of insecurity there...and no reality to back it up.
Being a mom of a preschooler and elementary school child, I don't often make friends just for me anymore. It's usually the moms of my kid's friends.
I remember a couple of "best friends" I had in high school and college. I miss that feeling of having a girlfriend. I miss those friends. Sometimes when movies or shows depict close groups of women friends I get emotional and wish that for myself.
Fortunately, I have been able to coach my daughter on friendship skills. Skills I "know", but can't seem to practice consistently. Even as a child, she is already much better than I. Hopefully, she won't have the same grief I've had.
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Permalink Reply by Diane N. on -
It is good to hear all of your thoughts. Many are similar to my own in this area of friendships.
I find it more difficult as I get older and my kids get older (middle school age) to maintain and establish any friendships, which is so painful and unexpected. My need for other female connection is so strong, yet seems so elusive to acheive. In the past, I have always had a group of gals to run around with, talk daily on the phone with, get together with for family meals on weekend, etc. Slowly over the past 5 years or so, these connections have disintegrated little by little, seemingly due to all of us getting busier, our kids schedules getting busier with sports, etc, many of us rejoining the paid workforce as our kids entered school, and as the kids themselves interests diverged away from each other's, it seemed to be a death sentence for the mom's friendships. I never wanted any of these connections to end, yet they have, and I try to hold on to them, putting much effort into keeping them going with phone calls, suggestions for getting togehter, etc. Not much response if any, which leaves me only to believe it is a personal rejection of me, and the friendship was likely not genuinely two-sided to begin with.
My struggle is not so much finding the time to reach out and connect, for I put in far too much time stressing about it which paralyzes me from accomplishing any of my real need tasks (which does NOT make my husband happy, more stress). The struggle now is knowing how to do it correctly. Have the rules of making new friends changed again and as usual I don't know them? Story of my life, everyone seems to know what the unspoken rules of engagement are, except for me, and inevitably, I screw it up trying to copy what they are doing. Why is it so difficult and mysterious? I am a very nice person, will do just about anything anyone else wants to do, and am always interested in what they are doing. It just seems so pathetic, that such a basic human need for connection is seeminly out of reach for a smart, creative, friendly woman. Even more pathetic that it bothers me so much to the point of paralysis in the rest of my daily life. I have a beautiful healthy family, home, job, dog, and I can't enjoy any of it when this issue is pressing on me so heavily. I am trying to shake it loose, and get out of this hyper-focused misery, but having real trouble doing so. All my life, this issue has been the one to stop me in my normally successful tracks. Very frustrating indeed.
LIke Melissa A. wrote, I dearly miss close friendships with other women that I have had in the past. Very distressing, and painful. It would be one thing if I didn't feel such a need for it, but it feels like a physical wound that doesn't heal and continues to get worse.
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Permalink Reply by Candice on -
I too have a hard time connecting with anyone. Im married and have 3 wonderful children. My husband isnt very good at understanding me or taking care of me. My family refuses to believe that I have ADHD because then there might be something wrong in the family. I am so alone. I was just diagnosed with ADHD and Im 29 Years old. I look back at my childhood and teenage years and things are finally making sense to me now. I have always felt alone like I just dont fit in anywhere. When people talk I cant grasp what they are saying but I can hear the conversation next to me. I can put myself in a trance at anytime I feel lonely or overwhelemed. I m on the hyperactive end of the spectrum. im glad I found this sight and hope that I can connect with someone. I have no one who understand that my everyday tasks of being a stay at home mom is very overwhelming. P,lease excuce my spelling Im not very good at it and my mind and hands don't work well together.
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Permalink Reply by Fran H. on
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I too am terrible at keeping up friendships. But I recently got onto Facebook and connected with an old friend there. I was hesitant to do Facebook at first, I didn't want to add another distraction to my life, and to spend time on online friendship instead of real life. But since I wasn't getting around to keeping up friendships in real life I am giving the online stuff a try.
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Permalink Reply by Donna Nasch on -
Terry,
My husband and I struggle with all the ADD typical relationship stuff, difficulty in focussing on his lenghty discussions ( I actually misspelled it as discustion), I am quick to anger, my frustration at being unable to communicate in the moment of anger, developing a closer deeper relationship after 20 years, shutting down and not being assertive. My husband is totally frustrated with me and I am bored with the whole process and problem. i have tried quite a few therapists and they just havent worked out.
Right now I am foccusing on being a good person, meditation, exercise, nutrition and taking my meds for ADD and depression. Sounds pretty bleak.....
Donna
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Permalink Reply by Jennifer on -
My best and only friend is my husband. I had friendships as a kid and teenager, none really close because I was always kept at home because my room was messy or I messed up something. We moved a lot and I was very depressed from the age of 16 to about 22. I had some decent friends but the drinking and suicidal rants were too much to handle for a lot of people. I have two sisters I am close to (family will put up with you when no one else will) but I haven't had a friend, someone I would even feel comfortable talking to, for over ten years. I was diagnosed aith ADHD when I was 22 and I have worked really hard on liking myself a little bit. But as I got married and had two beautiful kids, I was sad I had no one I could invite to these important events. And now my daughter is in preschool and she is struggling to be social and I wonder if I am being a bad example?? How do I show her how to be social if I have no friends? I was reading what you wrote and I realize that I'm not the only one that has issues socially. I'm also really bad in large group social ocassions, I get so nervous! I used to be teased so much for saying the wrong thing as a kid, that I just stopped being comfortable talking to people. I was treated so badly by the last byunch of "friends" I had (roomies) that I ended up getting a broken nose, I guess they wanted me to leave, too messy and emotional;. My husband is really outgoing and social, and we are really close, but it would be nice for both of us if we had other friends, well, I guess I mean if I had friends. I've been in touch with some old friends through Facebook which is nice, but maybe they aren't my friends anymore for a reason? Am I not trying hard enough or are we all in a different place in our lives? I'm not sure I even know how to be a friend. Your thoughts?
Melissa A. said:I have a wonderful husband and a great mom. I can talk to both about almost anything. This is a real blessing and probably helps to keep me mentally healthy. But I grieve regularly about my lack of connection with friends. I have never been good at keeping in touch once a friend is out of my day to day life. I have 5 old friends who live out of state that I sort of keep in touch with. Fortunately, they are forgiving and still love me even though our emails, calls and visits are sporadic. I have only a few close friends that are in town. I have just one or two friends I could call up to simply talk, and I can't think of one person who I could just sit around with and talk to all night, no inhibitions, like when I was young. That's really what I miss.
I once tried to describe to a non-ADHD family member my difficulty with staying connected with friends. It seems like I "forget" how it feels to be in relationship with my friend when I don't see her often.
When it comes to making new friends, it's tough to find time. It's difficult to remember to call and email, to ask her how her trip was or how her appointment went. I think of these things at the wrong time like lying in bed at 1am. It's also tough to find safety in these middle-adulthood friendships- Will my new friend be non-judgemental? will my friend accept that I am disorganized, intelligent yet scatter brained, have it together one day and need a lot of help the next? That I feel shy at times and impulsively talkative at other times? Does my new friend want to be friends? Lots of insecurity there...and no reality to back it up.
Being a mom of a preschooler and elementary school child, I don't often make friends just for me anymore. It's usually the moms of my kid's friends.
I remember a couple of "best friends" I had in high school and college. I miss that feeling of having a girlfriend. I miss those friends. Sometimes when movies or shows depict close groups of women friends I get emotional and wish that for myself.
Fortunately, I have been able to coach my daughter on friendship skills. Skills I "know", but can't seem to practice consistently. Even as a child, she is already much better than I. Hopefully, she won't have the same grief I've had.
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Permalink Reply by Jennifer on
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I wasn't diagnosed until I was 22, and my whole life leading up to that I felt so different from everyone else. It's been just over ten years now and I've changed a lot of things. Meds help wehn I remember to take them. My husband is great although there are times that he just doesn't get what a struggle my life is sometimes. Haveing two small kids has made me so busy that I HAVE to be a little bit organized. I'm not really hyper, just inattentive, my four year old jokes with me that I'm "daydreaming again". But now she seems to be struggling with making friends at school and I don't want for her what I am like. I have no friends, don't know how to be a friend, wish I had some to come to my wedding or be thrilled about having kids with. Not finding out about ADD until your twenties sucks, beacuase for me, I had a lot of depression and insecurities. I knew I was smart, why the heck couldn't I get done the things I needed to? It has caused a lot of angry fights with my family, and relationships. It caused me to flunk out of university and to work as somebody's assistant when I know I could have been or done so much more. My husband is the only person who has been able to be around me for more than a year, all other relationships went up in flames, because I just "didn't get it". Has it been like that for you?
Candice said:I too have a hard time connecting with anyone. Im married and have 3 wonderful children. My husband isnt very good at understanding me or taking care of me. My family refuses to believe that I have ADHD because then there might be something wrong in the family. I am so alone. I was just diagnosed with ADHD and Im 29 Years old. I look back at my childhood and teenage years and things are finally making sense to me now. I have always felt alone like I just dont fit in anywhere. When people talk I cant grasp what they are saying but I can hear the conversation next to me. I can put myself in a trance at anytime I feel lonely or overwhelemed. I m on the hyperactive end of the spectrum. im glad I found this sight and hope that I can connect with someone. I have no one who understand that my everyday tasks of being a stay at home mom is very overwhelming. P,lease excuce my spelling Im not very good at it and my mind and hands don't work well together.
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