Relationships: When ADHD Gets In the Way
ADHD plays a big role in developing, growing and keeping relationships. How has ADHD effected your relationships with your friends, your significant others, your kids, and/or your family members?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Gillian Gahagan on -
Hey, I'm new to this site, and I was hoping to find a place where people were supporting one another because I am having a rough time. So far, I've seen several posts from people who sound like they are also having really having a rough time, and no one is responding. So I am writing here about it because it seems like this is the only discussion people are responding to. I know that when I go online looking for help, it is because I think that no one in my actual life understands what I'm going through, so I go online looking for people who do. A little empathy can go a long way towards helping people who are in pain. Please, it's great to tell your story, but if you read a post from someone who is clearly depressed, upset or struggling, I implore you to respond in some way! Thanks, I'll get off my soapbox now.
Gillian
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Permalink Reply by Jacqueline Schimmel on -
Some of my friends say "Oh, you don't have ADD...you just need a break." Others understand me and don't judge me. Co-workers resent me, because they think I don't listen to what they're saying or that I'm lazy, because I forgot to do something. Sometimes they will put me on the spot in a meeting so I can feel like a complete fool in front of my boss as well. Not a nice feeling.
My kids are affected by my frustration at myself plus my ADD person clashing with my son's ADHD. My daughter is constantly afraid mommy will forget to do things (awful feeling for me, since I want her to be able to rely on me and feel taken care of), my son and I have a complicated relationship due to us both having ADD. My mother still treats me like a child and tries to tell me what to do or say in whatever situation...I'm 42 years old.
My husband, well, he knows I have ADD, but he doesn't understand me leaving something lying around or that I have a difficult time with the budget (even though I'm honestly doing the very best I can with it). He can't understand that I have a difficult time writing up a shopping list or when I forget one or two items while shopping. When I get frustrated, he ignores it instead trying to calm me down or even ask what's wrong and he teases me when I do impulsive things or forget something, which doesn't really help my self esteem. He ignores the fact that I get extremely irritated when I am trying to cook a meal and the kids keeping either fighting in earshot or keep storming into the kitchen or calling me. I don't know how many times I've asked him to keep the kids busy while I'm cooking. If I get distracted I'll forget an ingredient or the next step while cooking. He doesn't seem to understand how hard it is for me and how I struggle, when in his mind it should be simple...as simple as "planning". He also talks up a storm when we're in a discussion and I can't listen for long as there are no breaks in the conversation and he doesn't like to be interrupted with my thoughts on the subject, so after awhile I forget any comebacks I had planned or whatever it was I had planned to say. In the end, I'm always the dummy, the one with the problem and I just give up since I cannot compete with his downtalking to me. He knows I have the condition, but sometimes I don't think he fully comprehends what all is involved. I've asked him several times to read certain ADHD books so that maybe he can understand me and our son better, but he doesn't. Doesn't have time or has more important things to do. What really frustrates me, is that he knows how stressed I am, yet he expects me to do things that he could be doing himself....like changing the trash bag in the trash can or laying out clothes for the kids. I have asked him if he lives in the same apartment as we all do and whether he knows where the closets are, but I got no answer out of that... LOL
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Permalink Reply by Gillian Gahagan on
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Dear Jacqueline:
I'm wondering, do we share a husband? No seriously. I'm wondering if I wrote your letter with a pseudonym in my sleep, and that's why I don't remember it!
But seriously, the sad truth is that your husband isn't reading the a.d.d books because he doesn't want to be informed. Right now, he has the upper hand. He knows how to push your buttons and make you feel bad. If he reads the books, then he actually has to take some responsibility of his own and possibly even pitch in to help you. Whether it's conscious or not, he's using you as a scapegoat, and using your weaknesses against you, and it's not nice. It's not how partners should be treating one another. However, you don't have to buy into it either. Unfortunately, I think that a.d.d. women often wind up with partners and friends who are un-supportive and critical because it's what we're used to. We think we deserve it. Don't buy into it! If he doesn't want to help you, well to bad for him. Stop allowing him to make you feel bad! Try to take care of yourself as much as possible. If he keeps letting the kids in while your making dinner, stop making it.
Don't do for him what he can do for himself. Just don't do it. If he doesn't like it, TOO BAD. I know it sounds impossible, but do what ever you can to make life better for yourself, and stop explaining yourself to him. Unless he wants to communicate with you like an adult, and not control the conversation and make it all your problem, don't even talk to him about it-- trust me, I know from experience that trying to convince them of your problem leads nowhere but to sheer frustration.
Gforce. .
Jacqueline Schimmel said:Some of my friends say "Oh, you don't have ADD...you just need a break." Others understand me and don't judge me. Co-workers resent me, because they think I don't listen to what they're saying or that I'm lazy, because I forgot to do something. Sometimes they will put me on the spot in a meeting so I can feel like a complete fool in front of my boss as well. Not a nice feeling.
My kids are affected by my frustration at myself plus my ADD person clashing with my son's ADHD. My daughter is constantly afraid mommy will forget to do things (awful feeling for me, since I want her to be able to rely on me and feel taken care of), my son and I have a complicated relationship due to us both having ADD. My mother still treats me like a child and tries to tell me what to do or say in whatever situation...I'm 42 years old.
My husband, well, he knows I have ADD, but he doesn't understand me leaving something lying around or that I have a difficult time with the budget (even though I'm honestly doing the very best I can with it). He can't understand that I have a difficult time writing up a shopping list or when I forget one or two items while shopping. When I get frustrated, he ignores it instead trying to calm me down or even ask what's wrong and he teases me when I do impulsive things or forget something, which doesn't really help my self esteem. He ignores the fact that I get extremely irritated when I am trying to cook a meal and the kids keeping either fighting in earshot or keep storming into the kitchen or calling me. I don't know how many times I've asked him to keep the kids busy while I'm cooking. If I get distracted I'll forget an ingredient or the next step while cooking. He doesn't seem to understand how hard it is for me and how I struggle, when in his mind it should be simple...as simple as "planning". He also talks up a storm when we're in a discussion and I can't listen for long as there are no breaks in the conversation and he doesn't like to be interrupted with my thoughts on the subject, so after awhile I forget any comebacks I had planned or whatever it was I had planned to say. In the end, I'm always the dummy, the one with the problem and I just give up since I cannot compete with his downtalking to me. He knows I have the condition, but sometimes I don't think he fully comprehends what all is involved. I've asked him several times to read certain ADHD books so that maybe he can understand me and our son better, but he doesn't. Doesn't have time or has more important things to do. What really frustrates me, is that he knows how stressed I am, yet he expects me to do things that he could be doing himself....like changing the trash bag in the trash can or laying out clothes for the kids. I have asked him if he lives in the same apartment as we all do and whether he knows where the closets are, but I got no answer out of that... LOL
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Permalink Reply by cicely teresa brown on -
i am having a hard time with my relationship with my finace and my mom but i know i need to get back on my medication and i plan to very soon but it seems like i cant stay focus on things i am trying to accomplish and how i try to finish one assignment ten here comes another i am trying but i have to get back on my medication first then get a job keep as job then it seems like my mom and i always getting in to aruments over little things it somtimes it is about me not doning what i need to be doing
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Permalink Reply by Maria on -
Do you remember the movie "Anne of Green Gables?" The first time I watched this wonderful movie, I was 12-13 years old
(I'm 39) What really struck me in the movie back then, was when Anne prayed one night; She wished for a very BEST friend, one she could share everything with - I remember thinking "ME TOO ... ME TOO" ... But unlike her, I have never been able to connect with people, I've had to dream of it all my life - still searching for that very best friend ---
Thinking ME TOO ANNE ...
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Permalink Reply by MomHerdingCats on
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WOW. I just found this forum/site. Only scanning the comments, each one rings true. Thank you all for your honesty -- and all so articulate. Look forward to returning and reading more thoroughly -- and commenting more in-depth. But, of course, I don't have TIME right now (ever?).
I'm 47, the mom of twin 5-year-old boys, the stepmother of a 19-year-old. Finding my ADD symptoms are magnified at this point in my life, which is forcing me to take it really seriously. After diagnosis about seven years ago, the Concerta, then Adderall, changed my life -- made me feel like I was on a level playing field with everyone else for the first time.
Since quitting my job (and losing the daily structure/community it provided ) to have and care for the twins, my struggles have intensified. Menopause surely hasn't helped. Feel more scattered than ever before. I think one of the factors is my life now is necessarily so driven by others' needs. And there's no time in my day or space in my brain for creative outlets. I'm happy if I get the dishwasher emptied and myself bathed before the onslaught of noise and demands and interruptions begins again. Over and over.
Conceiving my kids was such a difficult process, and I feel so sad and guilty that I can't enjoy this time more. "What's wrong with me?" is the phrase that constantly runs through my head -- as it has my whole life. Added to this refrain is, "What am I teaching my children? The mess! The frustration! The forgetfulness! How much time and energy I put into ordinary daily tasks and still come up short!"
My marriage is shaky -- because of both my issues and his. Everything seems held together by a frayed thread, and that thread is ME. I don't think this is narcisism at play. Most mothers are the core of the family, really. And I'm so tired of not feeling up to the role, even though I so want to be.
Hadn't meant to get so negative here. Actually, was seeking some input from other moms of twins (and other multiples). Being a woman w/lifelong ADD and having very energetic and competitive twin boys sometimes feels like The Challenge of a Lifetime.
Thanks for listening!
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Permalink Reply by MomHerdingCats on
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Wow, Jacqueline, I could have written this myself, especially the part on the dynamics of communicating w/your husband. Sometimes I'll be honest w/my friends or family when they ask, "How was your night?" I'll say that my husband and I had (another) ridiculous argument about nothing. They'll be sympathetic and want details. I can't even summon up the details when I'm in the middle of the conflict, much less a day or a week later! In conflicts w/my husband -- about the same kinds of things you're talking about -- I find myself being the WRONG one b/c he's so adept at manipulating and mangling what I've said and I'm so terrible at remembering the EXACT wording. He pulls up all this inaccurate detail, but I don't have recall of the SPECIFIC details, so I'm the "wrong" one. So, so hard.
Jacqueline Schimmel said:Some of my friends say "Oh, you don't have ADD...you just need a break." Others understand me and don't judge me. Co-workers resent me, because they think I don't listen to what they're saying or that I'm lazy, because I forgot to do something. Sometimes they will put me on the spot in a meeting so I can feel like a complete fool in front of my boss as well. Not a nice feeling.
My kids are affected by my frustration at myself plus my ADD person clashing with my son's ADHD. My daughter is constantly afraid mommy will forget to do things (awful feeling for me, since I want her to be able to rely on me and feel taken care of), my son and I have a complicated relationship due to us both having ADD. My mother still treats me like a child and tries to tell me what to do or say in whatever situation...I'm 42 years old.
My husband, well, he knows I have ADD, but he doesn't understand me leaving something lying around or that I have a difficult time with the budget (even though I'm honestly doing the very best I can with it). He can't understand that I have a difficult time writing up a shopping list or when I forget one or two items while shopping. When I get frustrated, he ignores it instead trying to calm me down or even ask what's wrong and he teases me when I do impulsive things or forget something, which doesn't really help my self esteem. He ignores the fact that I get extremely irritated when I am trying to cook a meal and the kids keeping either fighting in earshot or keep storming into the kitchen or calling me. I don't know how many times I've asked him to keep the kids busy while I'm cooking. If I get distracted I'll forget an ingredient or the next step while cooking. He doesn't seem to understand how hard it is for me and how I struggle, when in his mind it should be simple...as simple as "planning". He also talks up a storm when we're in a discussion and I can't listen for long as there are no breaks in the conversation and he doesn't like to be interrupted with my thoughts on the subject, so after awhile I forget any comebacks I had planned or whatever it was I had planned to say. In the end, I'm always the dummy, the one with the problem and I just give up since I cannot compete with his downtalking to me. He knows I have the condition, but sometimes I don't think he fully comprehends what all is involved. I've asked him several times to read certain ADHD books so that maybe he can understand me and our son better, but he doesn't. Doesn't have time or has more important things to do. What really frustrates me, is that he knows how stressed I am, yet he expects me to do things that he could be doing himself....like changing the trash bag in the trash can or laying out clothes for the kids. I have asked him if he lives in the same apartment as we all do and whether he knows where the closets are, but I got no answer out of that... LOL
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Permalink Reply by MomHerdingCats on
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And I LOVE Gillian Gahagan's response to what you wrote. Galvanizes me!
Jacqueline Schimmel said:Some of my friends say "Oh, you don't have ADD...you just need a break." Others understand me and don't judge me. Co-workers resent me, because they think I don't listen to what they're saying or that I'm lazy, because I forgot to do something. Sometimes they will put me on the spot in a meeting so I can feel like a complete fool in front of my boss as well. Not a nice feeling.
My kids are affected by my frustration at myself plus my ADD person clashing with my son's ADHD. My daughter is constantly afraid mommy will forget to do things (awful feeling for me, since I want her to be able to rely on me and feel taken care of), my son and I have a complicated relationship due to us both having ADD. My mother still treats me like a child and tries to tell me what to do or say in whatever situation...I'm 42 years old.
My husband, well, he knows I have ADD, but he doesn't understand me leaving something lying around or that I have a difficult time with the budget (even though I'm honestly doing the very best I can with it). He can't understand that I have a difficult time writing up a shopping list or when I forget one or two items while shopping. When I get frustrated, he ignores it instead trying to calm me down or even ask what's wrong and he teases me when I do impulsive things or forget something, which doesn't really help my self esteem. He ignores the fact that I get extremely irritated when I am trying to cook a meal and the kids keeping either fighting in earshot or keep storming into the kitchen or calling me. I don't know how many times I've asked him to keep the kids busy while I'm cooking. If I get distracted I'll forget an ingredient or the next step while cooking. He doesn't seem to understand how hard it is for me and how I struggle, when in his mind it should be simple...as simple as "planning". He also talks up a storm when we're in a discussion and I can't listen for long as there are no breaks in the conversation and he doesn't like to be interrupted with my thoughts on the subject, so after awhile I forget any comebacks I had planned or whatever it was I had planned to say. In the end, I'm always the dummy, the one with the problem and I just give up since I cannot compete with his downtalking to me. He knows I have the condition, but sometimes I don't think he fully comprehends what all is involved. I've asked him several times to read certain ADHD books so that maybe he can understand me and our son better, but he doesn't. Doesn't have time or has more important things to do. What really frustrates me, is that he knows how stressed I am, yet he expects me to do things that he could be doing himself....like changing the trash bag in the trash can or laying out clothes for the kids. I have asked him if he lives in the same apartment as we all do and whether he knows where the closets are, but I got no answer out of that... LOL
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Permalink Reply by MomHerdingCats on
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Yes, Cicely. I think meds would make you feel better able to handle these challenges. Won't fix them, but the best first step so at least some of the "noise" would be quieted. Relationships so hard for anyone, much less a woman w/ADD. Sometimes feels like no one understands. But I get it, and probably anyone here reading this does, too.
cicely teresa brown said:i am having a hard time with my relationship with my finace and my mom but i know i need to get back on my medication and i plan to very soon but it seems like i cant stay focus on things i am trying to accomplish and how i try to finish one assignment ten here comes another i am trying but i have to get back on my medication first then get a job keep as job then it seems like my mom and i always getting in to aruments over little things it somtimes it is about me not doning what i need to be doing
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Permalink Reply by MomHerdingCats on
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Yes, Gillian, I totally agree. Up until now, I've had little luck in finding any support online. So glad to have found this outlet. As I've been reading some of the posts here, I've thought, "Yeah, I can say that I get it, but I don't have any solutions to offer," so I don't reply. Your saying this makes me realize how I feel -- that I don't always need a solution; sometimes, the best gift is empathy and validation. Thx
Gillian Gahagan said:Hey, I'm new to this site, and I was hoping to find a place where people were supporting one another because I am having a rough time. So far, I've seen several posts from people who sound like they are also having really having a rough time, and no one is responding. So I am writing here about it because it seems like this is the only discussion people are responding to. I know that when I go online looking for help, it is because I think that no one in my actual life understands what I'm going through, so I go online looking for people who do. A little empathy can go a long way towards helping people who are in pain. Please, it's great to tell your story, but if you read a post from someone who is clearly depressed, upset or struggling, I implore you to respond in some way! Thanks, I'll get off my soapbox now.
Gillian
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Permalink Reply by Eva on
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Maria said:
Maria! That whole series was my very favorite...I always prayed for a "Diana" too! Most people feel so "formal" to me or something. They seem to talk about things that don't reveal anything about themselves so there is nothing to connect or bond over anyway. So superficial. Although I usually blunder and go ahead and reveal some personal information. Sigh. Learning my lesson. Haven't done that in about 6 months. So my daughter who started kindergarten has two new friends and I talk to their moms. I have no personal information of either of them and vice versa. I actually can't remember our conversations very well either. I listen to them talk about Christmas blah blah and decoration blah blah and sale blah blah. I made sure to do active listening and I even gave her a coupon I had printed up...but really...no bond.Do you remember the movie "Anne of Green Gables?" The first time I watched this wonderful movie, I was 12-13 years old
(I'm 39) What really struck me in the movie back then, was when Anne prayed one night; She wished for a very BEST friend, one she could share everything with - I remember thinking "ME TOO ... ME TOO" ... But unlike her, I have never been able to connect with people, I've had to dream of it all my life - still searching for that very best friend ---
Thinking ME TOO ANNE ...
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Permalink Reply by Samantha Desmarais on
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It really has been so hard, to keep a relationship. I hurry up and love them, and move on. I want to be married i love everything about a marraige. but my longest relationship has been 9 months. I am now a 25 year old single mother. My older son who's 6 you could tell from day one he was brilliant but also has adhd. and because I love him so much and knew how hard school was, just paying attention not being able to do my homework, i still learned it all though, i'm not stupid i'm very smart, creative, but couldn't focus, enough to do the actual work failed everything from 2nd grade through highschool. Because of him I got my GED. I tried college but even as an adult I couldn't do my homework. And so I got him on meds last week, he is in first grade and is already suffering to do work, be quite, sit, not yell out answers. I will not put him through that he will do good in school and be somebody, Go to college have a real life. not until today did i finally get myself on medicine. because of my son i completely looked back through my life and realize how much the adhd has run my entire life, no steady boyfriend, even though i did have a lot of really great men who would of done anything for me but I just don't know I couldn't. Jobs ha ha the first week it was the greatest job i learned so much, one to two months i'm calling in, then eventually just don't show up one day and move on to the next. I want a real career, I want to have a normal relationship.
I have become OCD, get anxiety all the time probably 7 times a day, I get irritable, snappy, go through depression from time to time when things get REALLY overwhelming, and I'm falling apart. I have to right check lists for everything set timers on my phone, write everything down. chasing around two boys 3 and 6. one who doesn't stop just go go go, and the other one cries he still has trouble communicating, so he cries, Loud. can we say sensory overload? Big time. I avoid going to wal-mart with my children I go to get in and out, i'm on a mission and the questions, the fighting, can i have this? all the people around, loud, and i get such bad anxiety i almost feel angry towards the people in the store.
Lol well i don't know but i'm on my way to making things better my son and i are on meds his schooling is doing 90% better, I start classes next week, and my 3 year old starts speach therapy.
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