Parenting Issues
ADHD makes parenting, an otherwise huge job, all the more daunting. What issues are you having as a parent?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Terry Matlen on -
Watch for an upcoming article I wrote for ADDitude Magazine on this very topic.
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Permalink Reply by Paula Paradiso on -
My biggest parenting issues involve time management and motivation. I have 4 daughters ranging in age from 11 to 5. My husband works long hours and it falls to me to be the gatekeeper of all the schedules, all the meal plans, all the household management. We are all slobs - in that we start something, get distracted, move onto something else and never get back to finishing or cleaning up the first activity- leading to perpetual clutter. I cannot find a way to motivate the girls to help with the clean up short of standing in the middle of the room and pointing to each and every item and then following said child to be sure the item actualy makes it "home". Not only is this less than efficient, it is exhausting - especially since I cannot follow all 4 simultaneously - the result being I end up doing most of the cleaning up and spend the whole time I am doing it seething mad. I really do not know how to break us all out out of this - we have limited time in our days and weeks to accomplish what needs to be done and I cannot figure out how to train everyone to just put it away the first time. That being said- I am off to tackle the huge mountain of laundry waiting to be folded - actually I think I may just dump each kids clothing on her bed and let them help.
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Permalink Reply by Terry Matlen on
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Wow. I can't even imagine what it must be like for you. How many in your family have ADHD?
At the very least, I hope you are getting some help in terms of house cleaning, because it sounds like way too much for one person to handle.
If you can afford it, I'd also look into a professional organizer who can help you set up systems so that it's easier to deal with all the "stuff" in ways that your kids can be more pro-active. Your last line does hint at that- getting them more involved.
My sense is, too, that you need some help in figuring out HOW to get them to help, and that is not an easy thing even if there isn't ADHD in the mix.
One thing I found helpful was getting rid of my kids' stuff. I had way too many clothes and toys. The clothes alone were a nightmare.
Also, consider tossing toys that haven't been put away into a bag and hiding it until they get the idea that if it's not picked up, it's gone.
I hope others jump in here with some ideas for you.
Terry
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Permalink Reply by Margaret on -
Wow Paula!!! I agree with Terry - how many have ADD? Here is an idea that you may try - get each girl a pretty basket, and as the day goes along, toss things in the correct basket. When "clean up" time comes, announce that it is time (it helps if there is something about to happen that they want to do) and set the timer. They have 5 minutes to get their stuff out of the baskets and into it's "home". After 5 minutes ( as designated by the timer) Mom comes along with HER basket, and anything left a)in a basket or b)some place NOT in its appointed "home" goes in Mom's basket, and Mom gets to do what ever she wants with it - hold it for ransom, give it away, throw it away, etc. As they get used to the idea, expand it to encompass 5 min to fill their baskets, and then 5 min to put the stuff away. After all, 5 min isn't asking for much!! If it doesn't get put in their basket, again, it goes in mom's basket. Holding it for ransom is an especially appealing idea - you can get alot of help for things they really want back!!! As far as givning things away, you usually only have to do that once (try not to give away anything with strong emotional attachments) and you usually won't have anything in mom's basket for a really long time!!
Hope that helps!
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Permalink Reply by Paula Paradiso on
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Of my 4 girls one has been diagnosed with ADHD, one probably has the inattnetive form of ADD and the littlest one is almost 5 and looking much like the older ADHD sister. None of the children are on medication, although I am- LOL! One reason we have not persued treatment for the girls is that they have no issues at school or sports or any of the other organized activities they attend. I am sure this is because all of those venues provide them with a tight routine - something we have never been able to establish at home. I was not disgnosed until graduate school when I was studying for teacher certification in Special Education and in class we looked at the behavior checklists that are sent out to the teachers. As we went down the list I could answer "yes" for myself to most of them. As I learned more about ADD I could look back to my childhood and see how when I was in a small, Catholic elementary school, and later a strict prep school I had fewer problems than when I was in college and living in the dorms completely on my own. Although I suddenly understood why I had never handed a long-term assignment in on time! We do keep an eye on the gilrs and I would like to be able to teach them some organizational skills that will make those transitions to less regimented activities easier.
As far as the cleaning up - we frequently employ the basket activity. But it doesn't usually end the arguing about cleaning up. And, as all else in my ADD world, my attention to the organization of the house comes and goes. In the back of my head, however, is the firm belief that we just have too much stuff and it just needs to be gone from the house all together. Some days I'd pay good money for someone to back a dumpster up to the front door and empty the house of everything that wasn't breathing. So when I am on a mission and have a few hours alone ( which is rare- usually the best I can do is the length of a movie for the 5 yr old) I start organizing and packing stuff away. The trick seems to be to get it out of the house before anyone can see it in the trash/donation bag and claim it as their "very favorite beanie baby that they haven't seen since they were 2!" But this too is what makes us who we are and the family we are. We will eventually find the things that work for us and muddle through the ones that don't in the meantime. It is the forward motion that is important!
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Permalink Reply by Terry Matlen on
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I love how you're embracing the type of family you are, even if some of the details make you a little crazy. With four kids, it just has to be crazy whether there's ADHD or not! I know that with just two, I was overwhelmed, so maybe you're a bit more easy going than I was.
I got a nice image in my head of a dump truck taking care of things. Hmmm..
Paula Paradiso said:Of my 4 girls one has been diagnosed with ADHD, one probably has the inattnetive form of ADD and the littlest one is almost 5 and looking much like the older ADHD sister. None of the children are on medication, although I am- LOL! One reason we have not persued treatment for the girls is that they have no issues at school or sports or any of the other organized activities they attend. I am sure this is because all of those venues provide them with a tight routine - something we have never been able to establish at home. I was not disgnosed until graduate school when I was studying for teacher certification in Special Education and in class we looked at the behavior checklists that are sent out to the teachers. As we went down the list I could answer "yes" for myself to most of them. As I learned more about ADD I could look back to my childhood and see how when I was in a small, Catholic elementary school, and later a strict prep school I had fewer problems than when I was in college and living in the dorms completely on my own. Although I suddenly understood why I had never handed a long-term assignment in on time! We do keep an eye on the gilrs and I would like to be able to teach them some organizational skills that will make those transitions to less regimented activities easier.
As far as the cleaning up - we frequently employ the basket activity. But it doesn't usually end the arguing about cleaning up. And, as all else in my ADD world, my attention to the organization of the house comes and goes. In the back of my head, however, is the firm belief that we just have too much stuff and it just needs to be gone from the house all together. Some days I'd pay good money for someone to back a dumpster up to the front door and empty the house of everything that wasn't breathing. So when I am on a mission and have a few hours alone ( which is rare- usually the best I can do is the length of a movie for the 5 yr old) I start organizing and packing stuff away. The trick seems to be to get it out of the house before anyone can see it in the trash/donation bag and claim it as their "very favorite beanie baby that they haven't seen since they were 2!" But this too is what makes us who we are and the family we are. We will eventually find the things that work for us and muddle through the ones that don't in the meantime. It is the forward motion that is important!
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Permalink Reply by betsy davenport, phd on -
Oh, my. I have some ideas/thoughts/experiences based on being one of four kids with an AD/HD mother, and on being an AD/HD mother. I often find it helpful to see things through a different lens, when held up by someone else, even when the thing they say isn't going to work for me.
I start with guiding principles, like People Are More Important than Things, which is good until you notice People like their Things. But I still maintain that Stuff that is in the way, is too much Stuff, and if it is in My Way, it is as important to Do Something About It as it is to preserve it because Someone Else likes it.
When we were young adults, one of my sisters and I lived together away from home. We did not know we had AD/HD, but no matter; your daughters might be able to do this. When we were going to clean up the place, one of us sat on the couch and directed the other one. “Red sweater: drawer.” That done, “Popcorn bowl: kitchen sink, warm water.” After a while, we’d switch. "Towels: hang 'em up.," and, "Go get the vacuum."
The beauty of this was that neither one of us was very good at the seeing AND the doing, but could do one, or the other. Its effectiveness depended on our willingness to take direction from the other, which frankly, I would be relieved even now to be able to do. I mean, sometimes if someone would just tell me what to do next, I could go do it and be relieved of the complex responsibility of knowing what that is and also going to do it.
(And I’d reconsider the goal for them to put their stuff away the first time. I never do that, especially if I’m the one asking.)
Paula Paradiso said:My biggest parenting issues involve time management and motivation. I have 4 daughters ranging in age from 11 to 5. My husband works long hours and it falls to me to be the gatekeeper of all the schedules, all the meal plans, all the household management. We are all slobs - in that we start something, get distracted, move onto something else and never get back to finishing or cleaning up the first activity- leading to perpetual clutter. I cannot find a way to motivate the girls to help with the clean up short of standing in the middle of the room and pointing to each and every item and then following said child to be sure the item actualy makes it "home". Not only is this less than efficient, it is exhausting - especially since I cannot follow all 4 simultaneously - the result being I end up doing most of the cleaning up and spend the whole time I am doing it seething mad. I really do not know how to break us all out out of this - we have limited time in our days and weeks to accomplish what needs to be done and I cannot figure out how to train everyone to just put it away the first time. That being said- I am off to tackle the huge mountain of laundry waiting to be folded - actually I think I may just dump each kids clothing on her bed and let them help.
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Permalink Reply by Terry Matlen on
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Betsy,
That is simply brilliant.
I wonder how we could get kids to do that. As adults, we're more motivated to figure out such solutions. But with kids...? Maybe there's a way to make a game of it?
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Permalink Reply by Paula Paradiso on
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I know when I was a teenager if I had to clean my room before I was allowed to go out with my friends I would have one of them come over early and just sit on my bed and talk to me while I cleaned up. The fact that someone was sitting there kept me anchored to that room and that task. Even now I find it helpful to fold laundry or do dishes or to clean up a room if I have a movie playing. My husband bought me a portable DVD player for Christmas last year and I take it to where my task is. My hands know how to do the chore without my brain and the movie (with no commercial breaks for wandering) keeps my mind busy so I stay anchored. Unfortunately the kids are not old enough to watch and work - they get too involved in the watching and the work never gets done. I'd love to train them to work together and help one another - they are all silmultaneously very bossy and very resistant to being bossed around. Maybe I'll try a modified version - each clean up their own space and then have them check one another's space and point out anyhting that was missed (less bossy and can be presented as a way to help make sure it is done right before mom comes to check!)
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Permalink Reply by betsy davenport, phd on
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So Terry, if you can tell me how to get all my wisdom (if I have an original thing to offer the world, it is in the area of seeing and thinking, rather than new tips) into book form, I will be a happy woman.
Terry Matlen said:Betsy,
That is simply brilliant.
I wonder how we could get kids to do that. As adults, we're more motivated to figure out such solutions. But with kids...? Maybe there's a way to make a game of it?
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Permalink Reply by Terry Matlen on
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Paula, if you try it, please let us know!
Paula Paradiso said:I know when I was a teenager if I had to clean my room before I was allowed to go out with my friends I would have one of them come over early and just sit on my bed and talk to me while I cleaned up. The fact that someone was sitting there kept me anchored to that room and that task. Even now I find it helpful to fold laundry or do dishes or to clean up a room if I have a movie playing. My husband bought me a portable DVD player for Christmas last year and I take it to where my task is. My hands know how to do the chore without my brain and the movie (with no commercial breaks for wandering) keeps my mind busy so I stay anchored. Unfortunately the kids are not old enough to watch and work - they get too involved in the watching and the work never gets done. I'd love to train them to work together and help one another - they are all silmultaneously very bossy and very resistant to being bossed around. Maybe I'll try a modified version - each clean up their own space and then have them check one another's space and point out anyhting that was missed (less bossy and can be presented as a way to help make sure it is done right before mom comes to check!)
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Permalink Reply by Terry Matlen on
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Betsy,
Have you saved your posts over the years? If so, it could easily turn into a book. I know a great editor who could help you with this- just let me know.
betsy davenport, phd said:So Terry, if you can tell me how to get all my wisdom (if I have an original thing to offer the world, it is in the area of seeing and thinking, rather than new tips) into book form, I will be a happy woman.
Terry Matlen said:Betsy,
That is simply brilliant.
I wonder how we could get kids to do that. As adults, we're more motivated to figure out such solutions. But with kids...? Maybe there's a way to make a game of it?
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