New here- there really is no magic planner- is there?
I was diagnosed with add 4 years ago. I didn't think much about it- untill my daughter was born last Dec and I became a stay at home mom. I am a disaster! When I do good at tending the garden- the house goes to crap. When I am on top of the bills and laundry- the garden goes to crap. When I get one room "under control" the rest of the house looks like a warzone. Meanwhile, my husband comes home and I can't wait to show him the 12 pints on tomatoes I have processed or that you can now see the floor in the cedar closet and he is like " good lord- what did you do all day" I turn around to notice, for the first time, that there are dishes piled in the sink, toys strewn on the floor, nothing cooking in the oven and laundry oozing from the spare bedroom. What DID I do all day?!?! Just here to get a little support, tips and maybe to just help me relax about it all. I now realize that there is no magic planner, organizing tool or storage bin that will help me stay organized. The change needs to happen within me- they are just "things" with clever marketing. I am the one that needs to do the work. Hi, my name is Amy and I am a flipping mess!!
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Elle Lunette on -
These are my opinions about your situation, hopefully others will chime in here with other opinions~You sound like smart, hard working mother of a baby to me! ADHD probably is adding to your stress, but talk to other stay at home moms and I'd bet you'll find very few that have it all together at one time.
On top of organizing all you've been dealing with sleep deprivation and hormonal fluctuations over the past year, also adjusting to life away from work is a lot harder than people realize! It can be isolating, lonely, tough to establish a sens of worth outside a job you do, you don't get to dress for work, probably don't have the same income level so can't spend on girl type things that support a lot of us feeling good about our appearance. Makeup, good haircuts, excercise, clothes that are at least somewhat current, all those things are the first to go for a lot of families making this transition. While it sounds like you're finding meaning and engaged in your life, everyone of those changes, good or bad, brings stress.
. So cut yourself a break, and don't let your husband get you down. Has he stayed home with a baby, done gardening, cooking, paid the bills, balanced the checkbook while the baby naps, cleaning and laundry? maybe offer to switch places with your him for a day or two. Meanwhile decide on one thing that's important enough to attack in some small, attainable goal for yourself, like "cook dinner by X time four days out of this week."
There are better and worse ways to organize your time, work and space, but you're right, there really isn't a magic planner. I like the "Getting Things Done" approach to organizing time, work and paper. Others have their favorites. Know that it's a process, just picking up one skill at a time, with forward and back movement. It doesn't all have to happen from within you, there are tools that help, and medication, ADHD's a chemical issue. But you/ we won't get fixed with a product, you're right. Hang in there. And celebrate those things you excel at! From the sounds of it you have a list to choose from. ;)
Lori
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Permalink Reply by Judi Nicholson on
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Well I wish I had some magic wand to lend you; but I haven't found one yet. I think it may be to your advantage to start alist and follow it. I never was a home to stay mom so I don't know where to begin. I have stayed home with my daughter ; but it was just for a few weeks at a time and I just followed what I had on my list because I have and had animals at time . I guess you have to take care of the dishes , pick up the toys , cook something , start the laundry , then after all those things done clean the cedar closet and pint the tomatoes. / it okay to ask for help even if your husband works he knows you are adhd RIGHT Also you need to be okay with a occasional mess in that it not perfect because it not possible to be perfect ... get enough rest , and if you can't do it then maybe it time to put your daughter in to day care turn the radio on and get cranking up the music help me stay focused and get everything done if no music I can't clean.or Can't cook you will need and it will take a week to two and don't let anyone take you off the goals you set up to get it toggether ven find a college student good with kids or with organizartion hire one to help take care of the issusses before it keep s getting out of the control
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Permalink Reply by Kittihawk on -
Hi Amy! First of all...you are not a mess...you are a mom with ADD!! It can be frustrating, exhilarating, depressing and exciting all rolled up in one!! I am 42 and was undiagnosed until around age 33. My son was in 7th grade and I took him to a psychiatrist and while he was talking about my son's ADD I was sitting there shaking my head..thinking..."hey..your talking about me!!" Thankfully he was a great doctor and helped me get diagnosed too!!
First and foremost...don't beat yourself up for what you didn't do/organize/plan/accomplish today (or yesterday...or tomorrow)! I wasted a lot of time mentally bashing myself for never seeming to be able to keep a clean house, remember to pay a bill or get somewhere on time!! Lots of the time I learned things the hard way...but I did learn!! I am no expert at giving advice on ADD..but one thing I remind myself of every day is to be kinder to myself! I am my own worst critic!! So I wasn't June Cleaver...but my kids and I made it thru! I am especially challenged because not only is my son (now 20) ADD, my 17 yr old daughter is as well...and I have a developmentally challenged 12 year old with pretty significant physical and mental disability. Your probably thinking "Wow...this calls for a SuperMom.." well...let me tell you...SuperMom I am NOT!! But I learned to recognize that I did my best with what I had at the moment. And most of the time that was GOOD ENOUGH!!
Learn what you can, find tricks that work for you (for me it meant putting my keys and glasses in EXACTLY the same place every day, and learning to use a big calendar on the side of the fridge, among other things) but most of all be good to yourself!! You deserve it!
Take care,
Kittihawk
Lansing, MI
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Permalink Reply by Regina Miller on
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I understand everything you are going through. I have been suffering the same sort of disorganization, inability to accomplish anything, forgetting everything, even dr. appts and paying bills, you name it for years. I became a stay at home mother of three 5 years ago (16) (4.5) (2.5), and it is very difficult, especially with add and not ever really knowing what it wrong with you and why you can't seem to get it together. I have suffered through depression after depression over the last 7 years before recently coming across add doing research on my youngest son's autism. I was just diagnosed, and even after only 2 days of medication, I am doing better. Perhaps you may need to see a psych before everything gets to be too much. I know that it has helped me. Btw, I am new here as well, and I am looking for others I can relate to (so far has been everybody!) I hope that I can help you.
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Permalink Reply by Regina Miller on
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Elle Lunette said:These are my opinions about your situation, hopefully others will chime in here with other opinions~You sound like smart, hard working mother of a baby to me! ADHD probably is adding to your stress, but talk to other stay at home moms and I'd bet you'll find very few that have it all together at one time.
On top of organizing all you've been dealing with sleep deprivation and hormonal fluctuations over the past year, also adjusting to life away from work is a lot harder than people realize! It can be isolating, lonely, tough to establish a sens of worth outside a job you do, you don't get to dress for work, probably don't have the same income level so can't spend on girl type things that support a lot of us feeling good about our appearance. Makeup, good haircuts, excercise, clothes that are at least somewhat current, all those things are the first to go for a lot of families making this transition. While it sounds like you're finding meaning and engaged in your life, everyone of those changes, good or bad, brings stress.
. So cut yourself a break, and don't let your husband get you down. Has he stayed home with a baby, done gardening, cooking, paid the bills, balanced the checkbook while the baby naps, cleaning and laundry? maybe offer to switch places with your him for a day or two. Meanwhile decide on one thing that's important enough to attack in some small, attainable goal for yourself, like "cook dinner by X time four days out of this week."
There are better and worse ways to organize your time, work and space, but you're right, there really isn't a magic planner. I like the "Getting Things Done" approach to organizing time, work and paper. Others have their favorites. Know that it's a process, just picking up one skill at a time, with forward and back movement. It doesn't all have to happen from within you, there are tools that help, and medication, ADHD's a chemical issue. But you/ we won't get fixed with a product, you're right. Hang in there. And celebrate those things you excel at! From the sounds of it you have a list to choose from. ;)
Lori
i am so happy to hear that others who suffer from add understand the extra stress and loneliness that comes from being a stay at home mom suffering with add! Right on, all you can do is your best, and your kids will love you no matter what you do or didn't get done that day!!!
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Permalink Reply by Marrianne Memmott on
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Amy I neverly feel a number of times and kept stubbing my toes feet on boxes of stuff I had on my bedroom floor near my dresser. My husband is very neat and probably has OCD, so you can tell where I live in the house. After a number of remarks from him I finally one day decided to organize and put away the things in those boxes after nearly having a fall. It took me a while to do it. When I had it done I called my husband's attention to it and he acted just like your husband, when I still had books on the floor & other things spread on the other side of my dresser, piles of stuff on the dresser top. After that I don't show him what I've done, because it is not significant enough to him but I feel like getting some pom poms and cheering for myself. It nearly took the positive energy right out of me. I think once I complete my retesting and the Dr. talks to him and I about it I think he may come to understand. He was more receptive when I told him Terry Matlen highly recommended me be retested for ADD. The Dr. told me that so far I do have some ADD. We aren't finished testing so he I'm sure couldn't say more, but helped me know I was heading down the right path and that it was good to keep going.
I'm currently laid off from my job as an Instructional Aide at the local Elementary school. It's a part-time job. I've noticed that my time slips more easily through my fingers. I think that is due to the lack of having some daily structure, especially since I don't currently have children living at home. The only structure I have is a morning walking group, my dogs bugging me to feed them around noon and my husband coming home late evening from work. I do have other things out of the house here and there. My Wednesday's & Sundays are more structured. I don't know if this might be a part of you problems as well. It certainly is mine.
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Permalink Reply by Judi Nicholson on
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Marrianne Memmott said:Amy I neverly feel a number of times and kept stubbing my toes feet on boxes of stuff I had on my bedroom floor near my dresser. My husband is very neat and probably has OCD, so you can tell where I live in the house. After a number of remarks from him I finally one day decided to organize and put away the things in those boxes after nearly having a fall. It took me a while to do it. When I had it done I called my husband's attention to it and he acted just like your husband, when I still had books on the floor & other things spread on the other side of my dresser, piles of stuff on the dresser top. After that I don't show him what I've done, because it is not significant enough to him but I feel like getting some pom poms and cheering for myself. It nearly took the positive energy right out of me. I think once I complete my retesting and the Dr. talks to him and I about it I think he may come to understand. He was more receptive when I told him Terry Matlen highly recommended me be retested for ADD. The Dr. told me that so far I do have some ADD. We aren't finished testing so he I'm sure couldn't say more, but helped me know I was heading down the right path and that it was good to keep going.
I'm currently laid off from my job as an Instructional Aide at the local Elementary school. It's a part-time job. I've noticed that my time slips more easily through my fingers. I think that is due to the lack of having some daily structure, especially since I don't currently have children living at home. The only structure I have is a morning walking group, my dogs bugging me to feed them around noon and my husband coming home late evening from work. I do have other things out of the house here and there. My Wednesday's & Sundays are more structured. I don't know if this might be a part of you problems as well. It certainly is mine.
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Permalink Reply by Judi Nicholson on
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I think Merritte gives very good advice and so do the others I am very ADHD and I was diagnosed in my late 30" life was such an organizational struggle. It took time but things can and still get out of hand. Like right now I have plates no food on them in my room and avery messy!!!! desk. I just don't know how it got so bad... I tot easy to be home all day...Like so many of the ADDers I find it stuggle to stay on focus without music...Now add a baby to the mix and it 10xs harder... It hard and without the constant work schedule and it took me so long to be on time..and organized in work ... with that said I don't ask my husband to validate me and you should congradulate yourself for the things you do.. She is right most of us ADD moms we don't have it together ; but we do pretty good. my daughter is taking the Sat's and will be going to college..somehow I managed the dance recital, piano recitals and all the other things. Be happy you have a healthy child ; and ask for help it is really okay ... some thing will be let go..others won't it just the way of worlld ..and if your husband complains let him stay home for a day or two do it all and you go out to a friends and return after some fun ... and stop beating yourself up.. (Judi)
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Permalink Reply by Kathleen LAndry on
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Hi Amy,
It is interesting to read everyones tales of ADD...as mothers!
I too just walked into my kitchen to fins it upside down (AGAIN) when I jusy cleaned it !
I have 7 baskets of laudry to put away,,,blah blah blah...too funny.
I often wonder if there is a 'switch' to turn on and all of this madness will go away.
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Permalink Reply by Amy Avais on -
Ha! Yes, maybe the "madness switch" has yet to be invented....or maybe it is called a housekeeper/maid :) I was laughing so hard today after the 4th time cleaning the kitchen! It is endlass. The kitchen stayed clean all day but I too have laundry coming out of my ears. I can not see the spare bedroom bed because it is coverred with laundry to fold and I have been picking my daughter's outfits right out of the dryer for the past week. Just put the clothes away already! Ugh!
Kathleen LAndry said:Hi Amy,
It is interesting to read everyones tales of ADD...as mothers!
I too just walked into my kitchen to fins it upside down (AGAIN) when I jusy cleaned it !
I have 7 baskets of laudry to put away,,,blah blah blah...too funny.
I often wonder if there is a 'switch' to turn on and all of this madness will go away.
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Permalink Reply by Jen Lewis on
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Hi Amy (and all),
I hear you LOUD and CLEAR! I am a 34 y.o. part-time actor/publicist/fund-raiser and full-time mom (6 and 2.5) just self-diagnosed with ADHD after my 6 yo DD was. My first year at home was incredibly hard for me and I ended up taking a part-time job two days per week which just barely paid for the childcare simply to get out of the house. Find and/or create some structure and support. Ask your friends, internet, pediatrician if there is a new Moms support group in your town- that's how I met Mom friends and had someone to call during the day, and it gave me somewhere to be on Thursday mornings at least. I also highly recommend flylady.net- it's a free system to help with housework which includes incredibly positive daily emails. Flylady really helped me change my attitude about housework, and she became my cheerleader (and helped me to do that for myself too). Hang in there, you are not alone. Being a SAHM in our fragmented culture is difficult for anyone but triply so for ADDers.
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