Meal Problems
I'm having several problems regarding meals. My DH and I live alone most of the time. When we don't my step-son & his SO gf become our chiefs, since they are particular about what they eat. My husband does not like leftovers. Alot of times I forget to eat the leftovers too. My husband most of the time comes home from work and he asks about dinner and I don't have a clue 3/4 of the time. It gets much worse for me on the weekend because he wants lunch & dinner. He takes care of himself during the work week on b & l & b on weekend. He doesn't really cook. It does seem fair that I do the rest. I've tried to make meal plans ahead, and I either don't use them or lose them.
When I was newly married to my first husband, deceased, I took please in being creative & took my time in the kitchen. He rewarded me with appreciation he also ate leftovers for lunch and looked forward to them. It's quite to opposite now. When I call for husband he usually doesn't come even if he says he wants to know when we are going to eat. I tell him and it still doesn't make a difference. He shows up anywhere between 20 min. and 3 hrs. after. (This habit started in childhood.) His first wife was a fabulous cook and she'd even have fresh frozen meals in the freezer if she was away from home during dinner time. That sounds like a lot of trouble for me.
There are times I suggest something I'm willing to make and he says he don't want it. It gets every more discouraging when I say 2 things and he doesn't want either & I have to other ideas. After I finally spend the time, which cooking is also a challenge for me, I end up eating alone in front of the TV shoveling it in instead of enjoying my efforts. It's become a thankless lonely job, instead of a creative outlet.
Does anyone have any advise other their hire a cook (can't afford one)? I'm thinking about going for canned soup for lunches for him on Saturday & one meal on Sunday, but that might get tiring for him too.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Marrianne Memmott on -
I should have proof read what I wrote. You can tell where my ADD slips in here. If there is something you can't figure out people ask. Thank you. Marr
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Permalink Reply by vera similitude on -
Wow, that doesn't sound fun at all. I'm sure you love your husband so excuse me for saying this - he seems spoiled. I know with kids, teaching them to eat what is prepared and not offering alternatives is critical for teaching them to appreciate their caretaker's efforts as well as helping them to learn to enjoy a variety of foods. Moms are not chefs and we generally do not offer a "menu" from which kids and/or husbands can choose. The ideal purpose of family mealtimes is to leisurely partake in a pleasurable, communal activity. With kids, helping them to buy into this can be achieved by having them help shop or plan the weeks' meals or even assist with the cooking in an age-appropriate way.
It almost seems like your husband needs retraining. He needs to buy in to meals as something you do together, even if he is not helping with the cooking. If he helps plan the meals ahead of time or does the shopping or if you are able to actually cook together, that might rejuvenate his interest. If all else fails, why not just cook what YOU want to eat, even if it's macaroni and cheese or a frozen pizza. That way, if you end up eating alone, at least you can enjoy what you prepared. Set the table for two, serve the food when it is ready, pour yourself a glass of wine and eat, even if his food gets cold. If you do this repeatedly, maybe he'll eventually come around. If not, you have improved your own digestion and maybe lifted your own spirits. Also, you can then let go of any guilt you feel about your perceived inadequacies.
My four year old said something funny the other day: "Men are not grownups, they're just big boys."
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Permalink Reply by Marrianne Memmott on
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You are right my husband has been spoiled and now at 66 it's even harder to make changes with him. I've tried to include him in the process of planning meals, but it has never worked as he gives me no response. He is not a foody person, just some junk food he requires to have around all the time. He finds it easy not to eat at all when he is busy and just doesn't want to be bothered, but is particualar about taste. He will grocery shop for me from a list on a Saturday, so I let him do that for me a lot of times. I quite spending extra time trying to make really nice meals because I felt disrespected when he wouldn't show up. I figure if it's already difficult for me, then I took out some of the headache of preparation. It's seems like most meals he complains about something. I tell you I've at times felt like putting up an "On Strike - fend for yourself" sign in the kitchen to get his attention. Instead I gave up the extra effort to make it nicer. Now I only do it if I really feel I want something particular for myself. I choose not to "spoil" him with food because of choices he is making to disrespect my efforts so I give myself a choice. Your right someone who has not respect for someone efforts to get him what he "wants" does need to have a menu of ideas for dinner. I guess I'm trying to get my own needs met of connection with him, a habit I grew up with around my family of origin's meal time. I've just never met anyone so disrespectful of someones efforts in delaying showing up for meal time. If we didn't have microwaves I would just let the food get cool and enough times of that I'm sure he would get the picture. Your son is very astute!!!!
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Permalink Reply by vera similitude on
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It seems you have identified the real problem - less about meals and more about connection, respect and getting needs met. I think you're right about the difficulty of people changing their ways as they get older. Of course it can be done but we all tend to cling to habits and the longer we've been doing what we're doing, the more locked in we get. It seems like you're struggling with big issues in your relationship. If your husband is not going to change, you can only change yourself. Often, making such a change will engender change by the other person, though there may be a lot of resistance for a long time.
If you put your own self-respect above trying to please him, he may eventually come around to revitalize his respect of you as well. The only other idea is counseling together but for a guy who is set in his ways, getting to counseling may not happen.
I feel for you. As for myself, I've given up on relationships for now, so I am no authority. I'm much happier being self-reliant and not miserable always being disappointed in the other person's failure to understand me and meet my needs. I also take the blame for not being able to be tolerant and cheerful, quiet and submissive or whatever it is they tended to want from me.
Good luck.
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