"Just try harder" the good, the bad and the ugly!!
Hi Moms!!
I am sure, as ADDers, you have heard, "just try harder", and you'll get it!! I find that ADD has made me PUSH harder, TRY harder.....just keep TRYING!! It has left some really positive traits, such as tenacity, drive and a WILL do it attitude. This has really helped me push through some rough times in my life.
On the flip side, it has also created many barriers to growth and ADD acceptance. That internal switch to keep on going and trying is hard to shut off, which is frustrating when you've hit a wall. At some point and time, I need to realize that maybe, just maybe, I can't do it. I need help...lots of help.
I am curious about the coping strategies people have adopted and how they have helped or hindered them.........
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Jennifer Cerequas on -
I have had this too, although luckily not too much from my parents. It came more from teachers, friends, aquaintences etc. I've done I few things to cope:
1) I also have tenacity, and a strong will. So I had to get to a point where I know I have done MY best , regardless of what anyone else says.
2) When possible, find work arounds. For example, My penmanship has always been bad (due to fine motor issues) and no amount of effort on my part has changed that. So I use the computer as much as possible.
3) Get help, even it means payinmg for it. For example, I have a cleaning lady every other week and this is great. I despise heavy cleaning, and find it uniquely exhausting. I have other ways I need, and want, to spend my time and energy (for me energy is at least as much a finite resource as time is).
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Permalink Reply by Jen on -
I think the biggest thing that has helped me is to surround myself with non-judgemental, supportive people. When I was younger, particularly in high school & college (also pre- ADHD diagnosis) I wasn't as selective about who I spent my time with and looking back, a lot of what made me feel like I was never measuring up had to do with some of my peers. They weren't necessarily bad or mean people, but because they were focused & driven and did what they had to do to make the best grades & get the best jobs, I wound up looking like a big slacker. And the truth is, I am tenacious and hard-working & intelligent, but my inability to stay on one thing long enough & becoming utterly overwhelmed because of my lack of focus made me appear flighty and directionless.
Like you mentioned, Christine, I used to (and still do at times) keep pushing & trying only to wind up more frustrated. I've done much better since I've had children, but I still struggle. It seem like sometimes other mothers can be super judgemental, and I just don't want to deal with that negativity for me or my kids. I have a couple of really close girlfriends who have kids around my age that I get together with regularly. They accept me the way I am and don't make sarcastic, cutting remarks when I lose my keys, phone, wallet when we're out with the kids. These women have crawled around on the ground with me in the dark looking for my lost item of the moment. I've done it so much that now when we go somewhere together, they'll ask if I have my keys & will even remind me to put them in a certain spot in my purse/diaper bag. I'm sure it's annoying at times & I really do try to keep up with everything, but it's really hard for me, but their acceptance makes me much less stressed and because of it I actually do better.
About a year ago, my husband was reading a book for some self-development/continuing education class that his company requires & I don't have the exact reference, so I may not have the title exactly right, but it was by Marcus Buckingham and I think it was called Put Your Strengths to Work. I read a few parts of it and found it very interesting. It talked about how companies could be so much more productive if employees would tap into their strengths and continue to work on those rather than trying so hard to improve their weaknesses. One part that really hit home with me was how very often in employee reviews, the supervisor spends a fraction of the review discussing what the employee does well and then spends the majority of the review discussing weaknesses or areas that need improvement & then comes up with a plan on how to improve. So, the person walks away not even remembering what they're good at but certainly knows what they're TERRIBLE at. Anyway, that's what my life has felt like in many ways. I've wasted so much time trying to do what I'm awful at and feeling frustrated & discouraged. Now I really try to stop and ask myself if I'm trying to improve upon my strengths or am I spending too much energy on a task that is only going to make me feel discouraged.
All that said, it is SO hard, particularly as a stay-home mom. Very often I feel like none of my strengths are being put to good use & I spend a lot of time trying to do tasks that I completely hate & SUCK at. Pardon the expression, but that's the most accurate way I know to put it. I would love to have someone clean my house, and hopefully one day I can make that happen, but for now it's not really possible. Flylady.net has been a big help to me in teaching me to break down tasks into baby steps. I do better with housework when i set a timer, and her methods have helped me let go of a lot of my perfectionism.
Self-acceptance is hard for us with ADHD. I sympathize with your frustration. There are times where I feel like I'm making progress and then other times I just feel completely overwhelmed & hopeless & wonder if I'll ever get my life together. Trying harder does NOT help me; I've heard that phrase more times in my life than I care to count. I never saw any progress until I really learned more about myself and began to try doing things differently, in a more personalized way without feeling self-conscious that many of my methods seemed totally unconventional. Last time my mom came for a visit, she looked at me like I was some crazy lunatic when I boldly proclaimed that I DO NOT fold underwear. It's a waste of my time. In fact, when I wash clothes, I have four baskets (one for each family member) and when the dryer stops I put each person's clothes in their basket. Then (if I have time) I take the baskets to the appropriate room & put them in the closet. Everyone has learned this is where the clean clothes are. If/when I have time, I'll fold/hang up a few clothes at a time. Very rarely do they all get folded, but at least they're in the right room so we're not looking all over the house for our clothes. If I haven't had a chance to take the baskets to the bedrooms, we know that we have our own basket in the laundry room with clean clothes. This system is FAR from perfect, but for the most part it works for my family. OH! I also either put a basket or just dump the towels in the bottem of the linen closet. Again, my mom thinks I'm crazy but with two small toddlers, I've had to find something that works. this has seriously reduced the amount of time I spend doing laundry.
Ok, this post seems all over the place, but maybe some of it helps. I suppose in this case, figuring out a creative system for laundry utilized one of my strengths & has made my job easier. I chose to do this after years of "trying harder" and continually failing to wash, neatly fold & put away my clothes. It may seem weird & sloppy to some people, but they don't live in my house & it works for me.
Good luck to you, Christine! Hang in there. I bet you have loads of strengths!! :-)
Jen
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Permalink Reply by Marrianne Memmott on
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Jen ~ what a clever way to do laundry. I love your basket approach as it allows you to get it down and organized enough that you still have provided clean clothes, etc. for your family so that you can concentrate on other important things with your family. Thanks for sharing.
Jennifer ~ thanks for some susinked (can't think of how to spell it just now) ways to think about things.
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