I'm new & overly frustrated

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Permalink Reply by Sue Pokiak on November 13, 2009 at 2:15am

Stephanie, you are not alone at all!

I can compelty understand what you're going through. My house is always on the verge of almost clean or lost to an organized mess. And my 5 kids, ages 15 months to 8, do have angry outburst to one another at times, and I've worked really hard on finding things to motivate them for the better of life.
I found out recently that I'm HD and my two sons are HD as well, although not as bad as other children I have seen. There is always fighting going on, but I have to remember to look for the good times we have as well or you're going to feel negatively towards a child...
Do you have help with your ADHD or a supportive group of friends? It always helps to have people you can share these things with and not have them judge you.
Is waking up in the morning difficult because you can't get things together without feeling a 'brain shut down' (stress), from staying up to late trying to organize the house or??? (I'm just curious for myself 'cuz I have a hard time in the mornings too...yet my boys are up and at it first sign that it could be morning.) :)

Things always seem crazy in my house and it prevents me from getting out. I always pictured going out to museums, swimming pools or even to barbeque's, but none of that really happens because of the boys. I have really tried hard to be more organized, even with scheduals all color coded, chores charts, reward charts and so on. I find it helps alot, only when I remember to look at it or don't break from it. Although it seems to work better on my kids than it does me, they're the ones that remind me it's school work time or such. ( I homeschool the older 3 because the difficulties of school.)

Hope you find friends and advice in this place! Let us know how it goes with your daughters!

Sue

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Permalink Reply by Jen on November 13, 2009 at 2:53pm

Hey Stephanie, I can completely relate. I rarely hear of anyone who is ADHD whose spouse is also ADHD, so I would love to pick your brain. My husband is ADD but more inattentive w/out the hyperactivity, and I am ADHD. We have 2 boys ( Age 2 yrs and Age 7 months). Most of the time I feel like I live in complete chaos. Having kids has definitely been a major challenge for us. Since having my 2nd son, I really feel like I can't keep up. I feel like this SAHM thing is a HORRIBLE gig for me, but until the kiddies are a little older, I think it's our best option. I feel like even when I go to bed at a decent hour, it is still difficult to get up in the AM. Are you on any medication now? I started taking Strattera about 2 weeks ago, but I don't really think it's helping to the degree that I need it to. I took a combination of Strattera & Adderall when I was in college and that helped tremendously w/ schoolwork, but right now I feel like Strattera makes me really edgy and irritable. Adderall also tended to make me cranky, so I'm hesitant to try it again right now. My husband took Adderall for awhile about 6 months ago, but it seemed like he developed a tolerance to it and when his dr increased the dosage, he started punching holes in the walls, so I told him to either quit taking it, or find somewhere else to live. I couldn't deal w/that drama, so he quit the Adderall and switched to Strattera. However, I don't think it is helping him as much w/ concentration. OK - enough w/ the negative side......

Even though I'm very overwhelmed w/ chores, bills, etc. I do think that my hubby & I both have a unique ability to really enjoy life and our kids. Although I wish we could get out the door in a more organized & timely fashion, life for the most part can be really fun without really doing any particular activity. I hear so many of my friends who stay home talk about being bored all the time, but I really don't feel that way. Maintaining a routine is tough, and I get EXTREMELY sick of preparing food & cleaning up only to do it all over again, but I kind of like that my brain doesn't work in a linear way.

All that being said,I definitely wish I could maximize the positives of ADHD. I spent most of my childhood trying unsuccessfully to please my parents, and wound up hating myself. Once I was diagnosed w/ADHD, I began the slow path to self-acceptance. I had really gotten to a place where I appreciated my uniqueness as an individual. Now the struggle is being able to accept what often feel like inadequacies as a mother. There are a gazillion things I love about having children, but I can't help but be a bit envious of people who are naturally more organized. I know my life as a mom would be much easier if I were a little more together. I also can't help but wonder if things would be easier if my husband were not ADD. He and I definitely compliment each other in lots of ways, but I often feel like I work to manage my ADHD more than he does. I'm curious to know if you have any of the same struggles.

Anyway, I would love to chat w/you more. My boys aren't really to the fighting age yet, so I have NO advice in that department. Try not to be too hard on yourself. I find that I really start getting depressed when my kids (particularly my toddler) try my patience. I feel like a horrible mother, but if I step back and really look at the situation, I recognize that I'm doing a lot of things really well, and I guarantee that you are, too! :-)

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Permalink Reply by Joy on November 16, 2009 at 12:17pm

Hi Stephanie
I'm cracking up at the comment you made about being hyper focused on this site!! I couldn't walk away the day I found it. I was just luck my kids had a playdate and my husband was out of town! :-) Otherwise, it would have been cause for major drama. I'm actually envious that you have a spouse who "get's it". My husband and I are VERY oposite. I guess that's what drew us together in the first place. I had a need to find structure, learn time management and gain control of my life. He was very structured and was drawn to my playful, spur-of-the-moment personality. He admired how laid back I was about everything. So, we have learned a lot from eachother over the years, but it has caused great turmoil as well. My husband always had a difficult time accepting my ADD. He always felt, "if want something bad enough you will do it, you just don't want it." This was in reference to things like school, being more organized, getting better at time management. It just made me crazy when he would say those things! He has seemed to get better latley, he has been seeing a therapist, who has been helping him work out his "stuff".
But that's a whole other topic. I wanted to reply about your frustration with you girls. It really hit dead on when you were talking about your ideals of not being a Mom who spanked! I find that montra coming out of my mouth daily in the past month! I have two girls, 8 and 4. My 4 yr old is pushing me to the brinck of......I guess I don't know, "bad motherhood". I have said multiple time in her 4 yrs, "she is a lot like me, I think she is going down that ADD road". My oldest daughter is a pleaser, typical first child type of behavior. She was a difficult sleeper in the begining, but she is mostly an angel. She just gets these emotional rollercoater rides, but that's just girls.......I think? So last week, the 4 yr old spit at me one day in the car, threw Elmer's glue across the room at me/the dog?, pushed the very large dinning room chair over, spit at her sister, the list goes on....! She always acts first when angry. Her actions are usually violent these days, but sometimes she shouts, or stomps away and pouts. I have done countless timeouts, she is upset at first, but basically it does not phase her. I have tried take aways, but she just does not seem to have ANYTHING that will motivate her enough to change her behavior. She just shrugs it off. She will cry for a few minutes, then she is off doing something else and she completley forgets! My challenge as an ADD Mom is that I wonder if she needs tighter structure or a chart that we follow with stars and all that jazz. But It is Sooooo, hard for someone like me to do these types of things!!! I know she needs it. Heck, I probabaly need it! I have all these ideas about what the end result should look like, but no idea of how to get there. I'm overwhelmed by my house and my kids and my husband! I truely feel like a Calgone commercial, and this is the first place I have found anything close to a support system. I wish There was more where I live. Sometimes the computer is a dangerous place for us to get sucked in!! :-)
Sorry Stephanie, I didn't offer any words of wisdom, but I definatly know where you are coming from. I am very concerned about my daughter and don't know where to go from here. Is 4 too young to test??? Your daughter is 4 as well, right? Maybe between the two of us we can bounce ideas and information back and forth, especially since your daughter is 4 as well.
Look forward to hearing more from you and the rest of the Mom's out there!
Joy

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Permalink Reply by Christine on November 17, 2009 at 2:19pm

Oh my, it is nice to read about someone who feels like I have for years. Unlike you, I just found out at age 43, and the diagnosis has been life changing! I am the one, however, who can't sit long enough to do the crafts. Your daughters are lucky to have such an aware mom. I can't even make dinner, so kudos too you!
I , also, struggle to keep the house clean and organized (as much as you can with twin toddlers). I always was referred to as "LAZY" and felt that way. The meds have been eye opening, to say the least. Even with them, being a stay at home mom can be VERY difficult, especially with ADHD. I am considering finding a coach to help with all the issues that arise as a result of ADHD and family life.
My eldest, who is 8, has been recommended fot testing. It sounds to me that your 4 year old might have some run of the mill sibling rivalry. My advice to you is to try to make plans with a friend, so you can enjoy yourself, as well. Play dates can really break the monotony. Good Luck, Stephanie!
Chris

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Permalink Reply by Selina Penner on April 4, 2011 at 7:29pm

Hi everyone, I can so relate to almost all this stuff!  It would be nice to know some others out there who are struggling with both spouses being ADHD and with kids also.  I have such a hard time running our household!   My husband was diagnosed just after I was and he doesn't have it as severely as I do.  He takes Concerta that helps him a lot, especially with focusing at work. I tried all the different meds that are available to me and the side effects were always outweighing the benefits. So I stopped taking them. Now I just take regular ritalin when I think of it now and then.  I have a terrible time sleeping at night and find it almost impossible to get out of bed in the morning.  It can be hard of my kids when I don't get out of bed on time and then we are all frazzled and they get to school late.  I have a daughter who is 10 who likely has Non-verbal Learning disorder like I do and a son who is 8 who was diagnosed with ADHD last year.  He takes Concerta and it helps him sit still and focus at school.  But at home we are in chaos most of the time!  We are all distractible and disorganized so it's usually a mess.  Chore charts don't work so well since I would have to remember to use them.  Every time we have illness in the family or go away it's like all my routines go out the window and I have to start from scratch again.  I have a really hard time with time management so I am late to almost everything and get lost in hyperfocusing. It is amazing how fast time can fly when you are doing something interesting!  I read for hours the first day I found this site!  Fortunately my husband doesn't have the problem with time management that I do.  He likes to be punctual so sometimes that helps me! 

Keeping the house running is a full time job for me and I often feel ashamed that it is that way.  I look at other moms with jobs and wonder why I can't manage that.  But when I worked more than a few hours a week I felt like I was going to go insane with the stress of trying to keep everything going around here.  I'm trying to teach the kids the routines and good habits that I never learned and it feels like I would have to follow them around every moment to make it happen.  Both of them get distracted so easily that if I send them somewhere to do a task they almost never actually get it done.  And I usually forget that I've sent them so I don't even discover until hours later that the job didn't get done!

I am trying as hard as I can to not parent my kids like mine did with me.  I was always made to feel lazy, scatterbrained or stupid.  It has taken me years of therapy to even get close to accepting myself and seeing any value in me.  I sure don't want that for my kids. 

I find it frustrating that the books about ADHD in families often assume that there is one non-ADHD spouse who can pick up the slack in certain areas.  But what if there is no non-ADHD spouse?  And incentives are supposed to work well but what if you are too disorganized to co-ordinate a tracking system for the rewards?  We are completely random! 

And then you add in the predisposition to keeping too much stuff and you have a recipe for disaster.  My husband is a pack rat and I have always kept too much stuff because I couldn't handle the decisions involved in knowing what to keep and what to get rid of. So I kept it all.  It is such a slow process to declutter when you are scattered and struggle to keep on task.  Sorry that this is like a rant!  I guess I am feeling overwhelmed with it all too.  Don't even get me started on how much money our ADHD mistakes have cost us!   Jen, I liked what you said about being able to enjoy life more. I think we have that quality too!  We definitely don't march to the same beat most people do!  We have a lot of fun being silly and unusual. I think we enjoy music a lot more than most of the people we know.  We often use music to relieve stress and unwind.  I have a hard time understanding how one could live without music. I think I would go insane without it. 

I recently found a support group and it was exhilarating both times that I went!  It was such a relief to be in a room with 10 other people who Get it! 

So Stephanie, you are definitely not alone in feeling this way!

AnJen said:

Hey Stephanie, I can completely relate. I rarely hear of anyone who is ADHD whose spouse is also ADHD, so I would love to pick your brain. My husband is ADD but more inattentive w/out the hyperactivity, and I am ADHD. We have 2 boys ( Age 2 yrs and Age 7 months). Most of the time I feel like I live in complete chaos. Having kids has definitely been a major challenge for us. Since having my 2nd son, I really feel like I can't keep up. I feel like this SAHM thing is a HORRIBLE gig for me, but until the kiddies are a little older, I think it's our best option. I feel like even when I go to bed at a decent hour, it is still difficult to get up in the AM. Are you on any medication now? I started taking Strattera about 2 weeks ago, but I don't really think it's helping to the degree that I need it to. I took a combination of Strattera & Adderall when I was in college and that helped tremendously w/ schoolwork, but right now I feel like Strattera makes me really edgy and irritable. Adderall also tended to make me cranky, so I'm hesitant to try it again right now. My husband took Adderall for awhile about 6 months ago, but it seemed like he developed a tolerance to it and when his dr increased the dosage, he started punching holes in the walls, so I told him to either quit taking it, or find somewhere else to live. I couldn't deal w/that drama, so he quit the Adderall and switched to Strattera. However, I don't think it is helping him as much w/ concentration. OK - enough w/ the negative side......

Even though I'm very overwhelmed w/ chores, bills, etc. I do think that my hubby & I both have a unique ability to really enjoy life and our kids. Although I wish we could get out the door in a more organized & timely fashion, life for the most part can be really fun without really doing any particular activity. I hear so many of my friends who stay home talk about being bored all the time, but I really don't feel that way. Maintaining a routine is tough, and I get EXTREMELY sick of preparing food & cleaning up only to do it all over again, but I kind of like that my brain doesn't work in a linear way.

All that being said,I definitely wish I could maximize the positives of ADHD. I spent most of my childhood trying unsuccessfully to please my parents, and wound up hating myself. Once I was diagnosed w/ADHD, I began the slow path to self-acceptance. I had really gotten to a place where I appreciated my uniqueness as an individual. Now the struggle is being able to accept what often feel like inadequacies as a mother. There are a gazillion things I love about having children, but I can't help but be a bit envious of people who are naturally more organized. I know my life as a mom would be much easier if I were a little more together. I also can't help but wonder if things would be easier if my husband were not ADD. He and I definitely compliment each other in lots of ways, but I often feel like I work to manage my ADHD more than he does. I'm curious to know if you have any of the same struggles.

Anyway, I would love to chat w/you more. My boys aren't really to the fighting age yet, so I have NO advice in that department. Try not to be too hard on yourself. I find that I really start getting depressed when my kids (particularly my toddler) try my patience. I feel like a horrible mother, but if I step back and really look at the situation, I recognize that I'm doing a lot of things really well, and I guarantee that you are, too! :-)

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