I'm new & overly frustrated

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Permalink Reply by Sue Pokiak on November 13, 2009 at 2:15am

Stephanie, you are not alone at all!

I can compelty understand what you're going through. My house is always on the verge of almost clean or lost to an organized mess. And my 5 kids, ages 15 months to 8, do have angry outburst to one another at times, and I've worked really hard on finding things to motivate them for the better of life.
I found out recently that I'm HD and my two sons are HD as well, although not as bad as other children I have seen. There is always fighting going on, but I have to remember to look for the good times we have as well or you're going to feel negatively towards a child...
Do you have help with your ADHD or a supportive group of friends? It always helps to have people you can share these things with and not have them judge you.
Is waking up in the morning difficult because you can't get things together without feeling a 'brain shut down' (stress), from staying up to late trying to organize the house or??? (I'm just curious for myself 'cuz I have a hard time in the mornings too...yet my boys are up and at it first sign that it could be morning.) :)

Things always seem crazy in my house and it prevents me from getting out. I always pictured going out to museums, swimming pools or even to barbeque's, but none of that really happens because of the boys. I have really tried hard to be more organized, even with scheduals all color coded, chores charts, reward charts and so on. I find it helps alot, only when I remember to look at it or don't break from it. Although it seems to work better on my kids than it does me, they're the ones that remind me it's school work time or such. ( I homeschool the older 3 because the difficulties of school.)

Hope you find friends and advice in this place! Let us know how it goes with your daughters!

Sue

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Permalink Reply by Jen on November 13, 2009 at 2:53pm

Hey Stephanie, I can completely relate. I rarely hear of anyone who is ADHD whose spouse is also ADHD, so I would love to pick your brain. My husband is ADD but more inattentive w/out the hyperactivity, and I am ADHD. We have 2 boys ( Age 2 yrs and Age 7 months). Most of the time I feel like I live in complete chaos. Having kids has definitely been a major challenge for us. Since having my 2nd son, I really feel like I can't keep up. I feel like this SAHM thing is a HORRIBLE gig for me, but until the kiddies are a little older, I think it's our best option. I feel like even when I go to bed at a decent hour, it is still difficult to get up in the AM. Are you on any medication now? I started taking Strattera about 2 weeks ago, but I don't really think it's helping to the degree that I need it to. I took a combination of Strattera & Adderall when I was in college and that helped tremendously w/ schoolwork, but right now I feel like Strattera makes me really edgy and irritable. Adderall also tended to make me cranky, so I'm hesitant to try it again right now. My husband took Adderall for awhile about 6 months ago, but it seemed like he developed a tolerance to it and when his dr increased the dosage, he started punching holes in the walls, so I told him to either quit taking it, or find somewhere else to live. I couldn't deal w/that drama, so he quit the Adderall and switched to Strattera. However, I don't think it is helping him as much w/ concentration. OK - enough w/ the negative side......

Even though I'm very overwhelmed w/ chores, bills, etc. I do think that my hubby & I both have a unique ability to really enjoy life and our kids. Although I wish we could get out the door in a more organized & timely fashion, life for the most part can be really fun without really doing any particular activity. I hear so many of my friends who stay home talk about being bored all the time, but I really don't feel that way. Maintaining a routine is tough, and I get EXTREMELY sick of preparing food & cleaning up only to do it all over again, but I kind of like that my brain doesn't work in a linear way.

All that being said,I definitely wish I could maximize the positives of ADHD. I spent most of my childhood trying unsuccessfully to please my parents, and wound up hating myself. Once I was diagnosed w/ADHD, I began the slow path to self-acceptance. I had really gotten to a place where I appreciated my uniqueness as an individual. Now the struggle is being able to accept what often feel like inadequacies as a mother. There are a gazillion things I love about having children, but I can't help but be a bit envious of people who are naturally more organized. I know my life as a mom would be much easier if I were a little more together. I also can't help but wonder if things would be easier if my husband were not ADD. He and I definitely compliment each other in lots of ways, but I often feel like I work to manage my ADHD more than he does. I'm curious to know if you have any of the same struggles.

Anyway, I would love to chat w/you more. My boys aren't really to the fighting age yet, so I have NO advice in that department. Try not to be too hard on yourself. I find that I really start getting depressed when my kids (particularly my toddler) try my patience. I feel like a horrible mother, but if I step back and really look at the situation, I recognize that I'm doing a lot of things really well, and I guarantee that you are, too! :-)

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Permalink Reply by Joy on November 16, 2009 at 12:17pm

Hi Stephanie
I'm cracking up at the comment you made about being hyper focused on this site!! I couldn't walk away the day I found it. I was just luck my kids had a playdate and my husband was out of town! :-) Otherwise, it would have been cause for major drama. I'm actually envious that you have a spouse who "get's it". My husband and I are VERY oposite. I guess that's what drew us together in the first place. I had a need to find structure, learn time management and gain control of my life. He was very structured and was drawn to my playful, spur-of-the-moment personality. He admired how laid back I was about everything. So, we have learned a lot from eachother over the years, but it has caused great turmoil as well. My husband always had a difficult time accepting my ADD. He always felt, "if want something bad enough you will do it, you just don't want it." This was in reference to things like school, being more organized, getting better at time management. It just made me crazy when he would say those things! He has seemed to get better latley, he has been seeing a therapist, who has been helping him work out his "stuff".
But that's a whole other topic. I wanted to reply about your frustration with you girls. It really hit dead on when you were talking about your ideals of not being a Mom who spanked! I find that montra coming out of my mouth daily in the past month! I have two girls, 8 and 4. My 4 yr old is pushing me to the brinck of......I guess I don't know, "bad motherhood". I have said multiple time in her 4 yrs, "she is a lot like me, I think she is going down that ADD road". My oldest daughter is a pleaser, typical first child type of behavior. She was a difficult sleeper in the begining, but she is mostly an angel. She just gets these emotional rollercoater rides, but that's just girls.......I think? So last week, the 4 yr old spit at me one day in the car, threw Elmer's glue across the room at me/the dog?, pushed the very large dinning room chair over, spit at her sister, the list goes on....! She always acts first when angry. Her actions are usually violent these days, but sometimes she shouts, or stomps away and pouts. I have done countless timeouts, she is upset at first, but basically it does not phase her. I have tried take aways, but she just does not seem to have ANYTHING that will motivate her enough to change her behavior. She just shrugs it off. She will cry for a few minutes, then she is off doing something else and she completley forgets! My challenge as an ADD Mom is that I wonder if she needs tighter structure or a chart that we follow with stars and all that jazz. But It is Sooooo, hard for someone like me to do these types of things!!! I know she needs it. Heck, I probabaly need it! I have all these ideas about what the end result should look like, but no idea of how to get there. I'm overwhelmed by my house and my kids and my husband! I truely feel like a Calgone commercial, and this is the first place I have found anything close to a support system. I wish There was more where I live. Sometimes the computer is a dangerous place for us to get sucked in!! :-)
Sorry Stephanie, I didn't offer any words of wisdom, but I definatly know where you are coming from. I am very concerned about my daughter and don't know where to go from here. Is 4 too young to test??? Your daughter is 4 as well, right? Maybe between the two of us we can bounce ideas and information back and forth, especially since your daughter is 4 as well.
Look forward to hearing more from you and the rest of the Mom's out there!
Joy

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Permalink Reply by Christine on November 17, 2009 at 2:19pm

Oh my, it is nice to read about someone who feels like I have for years. Unlike you, I just found out at age 43, and the diagnosis has been life changing! I am the one, however, who can't sit long enough to do the crafts. Your daughters are lucky to have such an aware mom. I can't even make dinner, so kudos too you!
I , also, struggle to keep the house clean and organized (as much as you can with twin toddlers). I always was referred to as "LAZY" and felt that way. The meds have been eye opening, to say the least. Even with them, being a stay at home mom can be VERY difficult, especially with ADHD. I am considering finding a coach to help with all the issues that arise as a result of ADHD and family life.
My eldest, who is 8, has been recommended fot testing. It sounds to me that your 4 year old might have some run of the mill sibling rivalry. My advice to you is to try to make plans with a friend, so you can enjoy yourself, as well. Play dates can really break the monotony. Good Luck, Stephanie!
Chris

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