I'm frustrated....and so is my child.
Hi everyone!
I must do this breifly as I have an appoitment in 30 minutes! First of all, I am so happy I found this site! I find comfort in knowing that there are other people, especially women and mothers that I can relate too. Especially because for a long part of my life, I thought I stood all alone in my crazy head!
I am in need of some help and would greatly appreciate any suggestions. Maybe you've been there? I grew up with a father who constantly put me down and never gave me the time of day. He was heartless at times and an alchoholic.
Anyways, I am in my late twenties and have a 4 y/o daughter. I have recently been diagnosed with ADHD and am not receiving any treatment for it. I was also diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety and was given medication for it which made me feel terrible. My doc wanted me to continue with the meds because he wanted to treat the depression before treating the ADHD. I felt like I wasn't depressed all the time so why should I take medication for depression I stopped seeing the doctor and have yet to resolve or treat my ADHD.
Moving on, I believe my daughter has ADHD as well and has a very hard time in concentrating on her studies. She can go for days and days with playing with her toys. I've tried to make learning fun and creative but her mind constantly wonders and it can take hours just to complete one or two things. In turn I get so frustrated because my inability to focus factors in too. It's like the blind leading the blind. I hate even saying this but I know it's true. When I get frustrated at my daughter, my father comes out. I say and treat her in a way that sometimes isn't appropriate for a anyone, especially a child who I know isn't at fault. It's like my father passed down his anger/problems to me and now i'm passing it on to my daughter. I don't want to....I want it to stop at me.
Is there any mechanism/advice that anyone has for me? I get frustrated when I tell my daughter more than 3 times to do anything and she doesn't listen. I get frustrated when she cannot focuss or pay attention. I get frustrated at myself for not being more understanding because I of all people can relate to her. I guess another part of it is growing up I hated my own ADD traits, and seeing it in my daughter brakes my heart. Any advice. I want to help her because even though she has not been clinically diagnosed, I know she has what I have. And being someone who recongnizes that, and especially being her mother, I want to help her as much as I can but I don't know how. I want to stop being my father and start being her mother who loves her unconditionally and is patient with her.
P.S. I'm late for my appointment! lol
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Marrianne Memmott on -
Joy, thank you for sharing your story!!! I'm in the process of being retested, as I was tested as a child and given a general LD dx, at least to my knowledge. I have searched for years for answers to my problems too, just not jumping through all the Dr. hoops you have. I just had a feeling that some day I might find some answers. After finding Hallowells book Driven to Distraction, I recognized myself for the first time. It's only been since Aug that I found free ADHD sites. I don't have the hyperactive qualities so it took me a long time to look at ADHD as a possiblity. After being on the site I saw myself in so many here that I got brave and emailed Terry Matlin to see if it was worth it for me to be redx'ed. I had my first day of testing Monday and he said so far he was seeing some ADD. On his paperwork it says "Attention Deficit Hyperactity Disorder (ADHD and Undifferentiated Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). I haven't heard of the Undifferentiated used before. I'll have to look that up. So I feel like I'm heading down the right path.
Joy Marie Robideaux said:Hi!
I'm very new here and I know I'm chiming in late but I wanted to share with you. I agree with Elle, you need to get your ADHD treated and it really should be a priority. I know it's frustrating to sit and listen to a doctor who just does not seem to understand what you are going through. Having someone tell you that you need to be treated for depression is not the best feeling in the world.
Fourteen years ago I went to my general doctor and said that I was not feeling right, I find that I cry for no reason, can't sleep, can't seem to focus. My list went on and on. He treated me for depression. He's the doctor, so he should know . I took my pills and life went on but I knew there was something else wrong.
The years went by, I had 3 beautiful children but I knew I still should not feel this way. I figured the tiredness was because I 'm a mom of 3 lively children. As the kids got older, my temper (yelling) and shortness with my kids only increased. The demands of raising kids increased, and I was told by the same doctor, it's part of life. I just needed to deal with it. I begged to have my thyroid tested. I just knew that my issue was related to having a thyroid condition. He agreed to test my levels. My levels came back at 4.2 and was told there is nothing wrong with my thyroid since I was within the normal range. He told me I needed more God in my life and needed to seek help from a life coach who could mend my heart and head. Once that was fixed, I would be wonderful.
I lost faith in that doctor at that point and went and sought out a second opinion. I found a new doctor in 2006 who listened to me. He reviewed my lab work and informed me that the thyroid range is not a "one size" fits all. He felt my levels were high for my body and put me on medication to lower my levels. Over the next 3 years I went from doing fantastic to feeling like I was losing my mind and then back again. Loud sounds or a certain pitch would send me over the edge and I would have to stop what I was doing and go hide in my room so the "ugly mommy" could cool down. When my thyroid levels increased, we had to change the dose. When he increased my dose and nothing was improving, he finally referred me to an endocrinologist this year. After one blood test and 2 appointments, I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's disease (hypo and hyper).
Finally, someone knew what was wrong with me. It was like a weight was lifted and I could look forward to a better "ME". New medication and life would be grand! At least that is what I thought. The correct medication helped but I still could not focus. I still was having trouble sleeping. I still had the temper...aka "the ugly mommy". The tiredness was still there. I could not keep my thoughts together, I felt like my mind was racing all the time. I felt like I just could not get anything done. I dreaded each morning when I woke up because I thought there was so much I had to do. But I could not figure out what to do first. When I went back for my three month follow-up and told my endocrinologist I still could not focus and felt like the dog from the movie "Up". She laughed (in a good way) but I told her my life has become like Dougie the dog and everything was"Squirrel" to me. I was worn down and just could not focus and the "noise" in my head was pushing me to a brick wall, I just did not know what else I could do. I thought I was just starting to lose my mind and this was just how my life would always be. I was not happy and I just did not want my children to always remember the "ugly mommy" and how miserable and mean I was becoming.
She had an idea of what my problem has been all along but I needed to see one more doctor. When she told me I needed to be tested for ADHD, I thought she was the crazy. There is no way I have this. I did not have it as a child. There is just no possible way I could have adult ADHD. I put off making the appointment for about 3 weeks. I thought, what do I have to lose but a little time. So I made my appointment. It took 3 appointments along with a computer test, written "homework" for my husband and I to fill out to confirm I INDEED HAVE ADULT ADHD!! The doctor said mine was the kind I need to take medicine for.
I was near tears when she told me this. Not tears of sadness but tears of joy, tears of relief and tears of knowing I was not crazy. It took 14 years to finally get the correct diagnosis. I have thought over the last 14 years this was all in my head--at least that is what the first doctor pretty much told me for 10 years. It took me all these years to find out what the true issue has been. Adult ADHD looks like depression, it looks like thyroid problems, so most doctors never think to look for adult ADHD. Once I was able to get the depression and thyroid in check, the ADHD was able to show its true self.
I've been on my medication for 3 weeks now. Life has greatly improved!!!!! But I have to work at it. I'm reading all I can about it so I can learn to live with it and accept the disorder. Looking back over the my 30 plus years, it has always been there but it was masked so well. All through grade school, junior high, high school, college and the workforce it was there but because I had a set structure and deadlines, it rarely showed it's true colors. When it did surface, it was always chalked up to a hundred other things.
The main point of my story, please have your ADHD treated and make it a priority. I have suffered for 14 years in silence. The last 3 years have been the worse for me (and my family) and I had no idea what black demon was hiding inside of me. I can't go back and change things, I can only move forward and make my life ahead better for me and my family. I have focused on the negatives in me for way too long. But learning I have adult ADHD has opened a whole new bright and beautiful world to me. It's not all me, it's the disorder a great deal of the time. I'm going to have good days and I'm going to have bad days. My medication will need to be adjusted over time or changed to a new kind. I will always have to take medication. I'm learning I need to adjust how I look at things and how I handle things. I'm looking at taking control of my life and not letting the ADHD control me. For the first time in 14 years, I look forward to waking up and facing the day. The best part of this very long road I have to traveled; my husband and my 3 children have seen a change in me. I'm a nicer, more loving person.
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Permalink Reply by Joy Marie Robideaux on -
Thanks Marrianne,
I did not think I had/have the hyperactive qualities either. Once I started to ready about Adult ADHD, like you I saw myself and was blown away that they were talking about me!!
The first book I bought was "The Everything Health Guide to Adult ADD/ADHD: Expert advice to find the right diagnosis, evaluation and treatment" (Everything Series) by Carole Jacobs, Isadore Wendel, and Theresa Cerulli. As I read each chapter, the dark and the alone feelings I've had for years started to clear, Everything was making sense and I started to understand it was the disorder and not me.
I have not read Driven to Distraction yet. It's on my list of reads. I have two books on order: Married to Distraction: Restoring Intimacy and Strengthening Your Marriage in an Age of Interruption by Edward M. Hallowell M.D., Sue Hallowell, & Melissa Orlov and "Understanding Women With AD/HD" by Kathleen G Nadeau.
The Married to Distraction book, I want my husband to understand it's not him but the ADHD I have that makes me the way I've been for years. We both need to read it and get a better understanding so we can move forward with a healthier marriage.
One thing this month I have found in my search for answers is....women with ADHD are not the same as men and are less likely to be properly diagnosed. I can't wait to read "Understanding Women With AD/HD" and get a better idea of what I need to do to help myself control the disorder.
I'm so glad to know there is this group here for Moms with ADD/ADHD. Knowing there are other moms out there who truly deal with the same things I have to deal with daily...is my light at the end of the tunnel. We are not alone!
Marrianne Memmott said:Joy, thank you for sharing your story!!! I'm in the process of being retested, as I was tested as a child and given a general LD dx, at least to my knowledge. I have searched for years for answers to my problems too, just not jumping through all the Dr. hoops you have. I just had a feeling that some day I might find some answers. After finding Hallowells book Driven to Distraction, I recognized myself for the first time. It's only been since Aug that I found free ADHD sites. I don't have the hyperactive qualities so it took me a long time to look at ADHD as a possiblity. After being on the site I saw myself in so many here that I got brave and emailed Terry Matlin to see if it was worth it for me to be redx'ed. I had my first day of testing Monday and he said so far he was seeing some ADD. On his paperwork it says "Attention Deficit Hyperactity Disorder (ADHD and Undifferentiated Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). I haven't heard of the Undifferentiated used before. I'll have to look that up. So I feel like I'm heading down the right path.
Joy Marie Robideaux said:Hi!
I'm very new here and I know I'm chiming in late but I wanted to share with you. I agree with Elle, you need to get your ADHD treated and it really should be a priority. I know it's frustrating to sit and listen to a doctor who just does not seem to understand what you are going through. Having someone tell you that you need to be treated for depression is not the best feeling in the world.
Fourteen years ago I went to my general doctor and said that I was not feeling right, I find that I cry for no reason, can't sleep, can't seem to focus. My list went on and on. He treated me for depression. He's the doctor, so he should know . I took my pills and life went on but I knew there was something else wrong.
The years went by, I had 3 beautiful children but I knew I still should not feel this way. I figured the tiredness was because I 'm a mom of 3 lively children. As the kids got older, my temper (yelling) and shortness with my kids only increased. The demands of raising kids increased, and I was told by the same doctor, it's part of life. I just needed to deal with it. I begged to have my thyroid tested. I just knew that my issue was related to having a thyroid condition. He agreed to test my levels. My levels came back at 4.2 and was told there is nothing wrong with my thyroid since I was within the normal range. He told me I needed more God in my life and needed to seek help from a life coach who could mend my heart and head. Once that was fixed, I would be wonderful.
I lost faith in that doctor at that point and went and sought out a second opinion. I found a new doctor in 2006 who listened to me. He reviewed my lab work and informed me that the thyroid range is not a "one size" fits all. He felt my levels were high for my body and put me on medication to lower my levels. Over the next 3 years I went from doing fantastic to feeling like I was losing my mind and then back again. Loud sounds or a certain pitch would send me over the edge and I would have to stop what I was doing and go hide in my room so the "ugly mommy" could cool down. When my thyroid levels increased, we had to change the dose. When he increased my dose and nothing was improving, he finally referred me to an endocrinologist this year. After one blood test and 2 appointments, I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's disease (hypo and hyper).
Finally, someone knew what was wrong with me. It was like a weight was lifted and I could look forward to a better "ME". New medication and life would be grand! At least that is what I thought. The correct medication helped but I still could not focus. I still was having trouble sleeping. I still had the temper...aka "the ugly mommy". The tiredness was still there. I could not keep my thoughts together, I felt like my mind was racing all the time. I felt like I just could not get anything done. I dreaded each morning when I woke up because I thought there was so much I had to do. But I could not figure out what to do first. When I went back for my three month follow-up and told my endocrinologist I still could not focus and felt like the dog from the movie "Up". She laughed (in a good way) but I told her my life has become like Dougie the dog and everything was"Squirrel" to me. I was worn down and just could not focus and the "noise" in my head was pushing me to a brick wall, I just did not know what else I could do. I thought I was just starting to lose my mind and this was just how my life would always be. I was not happy and I just did not want my children to always remember the "ugly mommy" and how miserable and mean I was becoming.
She had an idea of what my problem has been all along but I needed to see one more doctor. When she told me I needed to be tested for ADHD, I thought she was the crazy. There is no way I have this. I did not have it as a child. There is just no possible way I could have adult ADHD. I put off making the appointment for about 3 weeks. I thought, what do I have to lose but a little time. So I made my appointment. It took 3 appointments along with a computer test, written "homework" for my husband and I to fill out to confirm I INDEED HAVE ADULT ADHD!! The doctor said mine was the kind I need to take medicine for.
I was near tears when she told me this. Not tears of sadness but tears of joy, tears of relief and tears of knowing I was not crazy. It took 14 years to finally get the correct diagnosis. I have thought over the last 14 years this was all in my head--at least that is what the first doctor pretty much told me for 10 years. It took me all these years to find out what the true issue has been. Adult ADHD looks like depression, it looks like thyroid problems, so most doctors never think to look for adult ADHD. Once I was able to get the depression and thyroid in check, the ADHD was able to show its true self.
I've been on my medication for 3 weeks now. Life has greatly improved!!!!! But I have to work at it. I'm reading all I can about it so I can learn to live with it and accept the disorder. Looking back over the my 30 plus years, it has always been there but it was masked so well. All through grade school, junior high, high school, college and the workforce it was there but because I had a set structure and deadlines, it rarely showed it's true colors. When it did surface, it was always chalked up to a hundred other things.
The main point of my story, please have your ADHD treated and make it a priority. I have suffered for 14 years in silence. The last 3 years have been the worse for me (and my family) and I had no idea what black demon was hiding inside of me. I can't go back and change things, I can only move forward and make my life ahead better for me and my family. I have focused on the negatives in me for way too long. But learning I have adult ADHD has opened a whole new bright and beautiful world to me. It's not all me, it's the disorder a great deal of the time. I'm going to have good days and I'm going to have bad days. My medication will need to be adjusted over time or changed to a new kind. I will always have to take medication. I'm learning I need to adjust how I look at things and how I handle things. I'm looking at taking control of my life and not letting the ADHD control me. For the first time in 14 years, I look forward to waking up and facing the day. The best part of this very long road I have to traveled; my husband and my 3 children have seen a change in me. I'm a nicer, more loving person.
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Permalink Reply by Marrianne Memmott on
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Some other good books are Women with Attention Deficit Disorder: Embracing disorganization at home and in the workplace by Sari Solden. I haven't read her Journey's through ADDulthood yet. She also has a web address www.addjourneys.com and has free monthly live video chats. If you send question ahead of time she will answer them. If she doesn't answer your question in the one your watching she will answer in the next one. (That happened to me.) She keeps them up on her site, scroll down on the left side where you see a globe & little computers surrounding it. They are wonderful. She also has a free newletter, but the rest of the site you have to pay for. Right now all I can get is the free stuff. Do also sign up for the free Teleseminar on Marriage. I haven't seen if it's on this site or the www.womenwithadhd.com site yet. You can sign up and have a week to view if you can't make the time. Most of the stuff seems to have things available for reviewing again. They know our brains and time needs. I recently do the ADHD Awareness Expo and it was wonderful and this gal spoke. Melissa Orlov. I'm currently reading The Disorganized Mind: Coaching Your ADHD Brain to Take Control of Your Time, Tasks & Talents by Nancy A. Ratey.
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Permalink Reply by DeAnna on -
Take a deep breath! My daughter was recently diagnosed too. It is HARD to help someone get things under control when you feel so out of control. Having a short fuse is part of your ADHD and since there is a genetic component maybe you inherited it from your Dad. I have to remind myself that she is struggling just like me and give myself a time out when I am getting mad because I know it isn't fair to her. I also struggled with watching her at school, it broke my heart to watch her want to be friends with someone so badly only to be rebuffed because she can be exhausting. You have to give yourself a break too and not be so hard on yourself, which again is completely opposite of what we normally do which is tear ourselves to pieces with the selfdoubt and blame. I am by no means in control of my ADD, but researching to help her has made me have a better understanding of myself too. It is a one day at a time process and building routine and structure into your life to regain your sanity. You need to go to a doctor who specializes in ADHD, your depression is exacerbated by the ADHD and I have a friend who is being treated for both simultaneously so I do not see why you could not be. I am currently having issues with my meds, but when I first started taking them two years ago it was like a fog lifted and because I was more relaxed and patient things were better all the way around. Once you get your ADHD under control then you can address your daughter getting assessed. One thing you can do that will help you both is to research dietary changes, that is something you can implement for both of you. One of the biggest factors is that you need to eat a high protein diet and limit sugars and starchs. When you are trying to work structure into the routine at home make it a fun game and teach your daughter to do things for herself, it is great for her selfesteem (again a big issue with ADHD) AND it will take some of the pressure off of you! Good Luck
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Permalink Reply by Marrianne Memmott on
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I understand that the Melissa Orlov's marriage book is about those with ADHD & their marriage partners, but the Hallowell book only has 1 chapter about how ADHD affect marriage. Information Melissa share at the ADHD Awareness Expo, Tara Magillicutty asked what the difference was between her book and his. Hallowells is a take off from his book Crazy Busy which just had to do with the worlds fast paced environment written for the general public. Sounds like this marriage book was also written for the general population w/a chapter included for those w/ADHD. I'd consider that when opting to give your husband a book to read about ADHD and marriage.
Marrianne Memmott said:Some other good books are Women with Attention Deficit Disorder: Embracing disorganization at home and in the workplace by Sari Solden. I haven't read her Journey's through ADDulthood yet. She also has a web address www.addjourneys.com and has free monthly live video chats. If you send question ahead of time she will answer them. If she doesn't answer your question in the one your watching she will answer in the next one. (That happened to me.) She keeps them up on her site, scroll down on the left side where you see a globe & little computers surrounding it. They are wonderful. She also has a free newletter, but the rest of the site you have to pay for. Right now all I can get is the free stuff. Do also sign up for the free Teleseminar on Marriage. I haven't seen if it's on this site or the www.womenwithadhd.com site yet. You can sign up and have a week to view if you can't make the time. Most of the stuff seems to have things available for reviewing again. They know our brains and time needs. I recently do the ADHD Awareness Expo and it was wonderful and this gal spoke. Melissa Orlov. I'm currently reading The Disorganized Mind: Coaching Your ADHD Brain to Take Control of Your Time, Tasks & Talents by Nancy A. Ratey.
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Permalink Reply by DeAnna on
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I think one of the biggest challenges is to help them understand how you think and feel because of your ADD/ADHD. He was like so many people are in the thought of well if you know it then fix it, but it just isn't that simple. I found two different things I emailed to my husband...
1) http://blog.halikar.net/tag/adhd/
It is a blog posting by a gentleman with ADHD and it is funny to read for those of us with the same issues because we can identify with it
2) http://www.estronaut.com/a/women_attention_deficit.htm
This gives an overview of how you think, act, feel and how others perceive you.
These were both a good baseline to start with and open up a conversation between us, the first completely open honest conversation I have ever had with him about feelings because I was scared to let him inside my head it is a very scary place sometimes. However it was through email because I just don't do well with confrontations/conflicts. Text and email have allowed me to be able to express myself to him like I have not been able to before, in fact with other people too. I do not have the chance to ramble or get off track so it has been quite liberating, I get to collect my thoughts AND edit them before I send them to make sure they make sense!
I hope these are helpful!
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Permalink Reply by Marrianne Memmott on
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I particularly like the second one. I'm saving it to give to my husband.
DeAnna Lindsay said:I think one of the biggest challenges is to help them understand how you think and feel because of your ADD/ADHD. He was like so many people are in the thought of well if you know it then fix it, but it just isn't that simple. I found two different things I emailed to my husband...
1) http://blog.halikar.net/tag/adhd/
It is a blog posting by a gentleman with ADHD and it is funny to read for those of us with the same issues because we can identify with it
2) http://www.estronaut.com/a/women_attention_deficit.htm
This gives an overview of how you think, act, feel and how others perceive you.
These were both a good baseline to start with and open up a conversation between us, the first completely open honest conversation I have ever had with him about feelings because I was scared to let him inside my head it is a very scary place sometimes. However it was through email because I just don't do well with confrontations/conflicts. Text and email have allowed me to be able to express myself to him like I have not been able to before, in fact with other people too. I do not have the chance to ramble or get off track so it has been quite liberating, I get to collect my thoughts AND edit them before I send them to make sure they make sense!
I hope these are helpful!
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Permalink Reply by Marrianne Memmott on
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So glad your about to get into Therapy. I hope you are able to get the help you so deserve for you and your children. ~ Marr
Christine said:Oh my, did you ever hit a button with me!! I came here tonight looking for advice for the exact same thing!! My daughter just had a meltdown about me being "mean"....ie....yelling. It makes me feel like I am spinning my wheels. I try different strategies, etc. They work for awhile and then GONE!! I don't try much educational things with my twins but more game stuff. I use cards for learning #'s and matching games for letters......hopscotch is a fun one, as well. For the most part, I try to get them to get along for more than 2 minutes.
Recently, my boy twin has gotten a lot worse. He has been physically abusive to his twin. She berates him constantly and it is very difficult to live around. My medication helped with the parenting...until the last month or so...as situations spiral!
I too had an alcoholic father suffer from PTSD as well. It is so hard to see and hear yourself become"that angry" person. I don't want to be "him". It is so hard when you know there is a calm, loving person underneath all the "stuff". I fear I am damaging them...that is my worst nightmare!!
I go to therapy and take meds....which usually helps wonderfully!! Now, I just started family therapy/play therapy. The goal is to improve communication and understanding between family members. I cannot wait to have a few sessions under my belt as it has been a long journey from diagnosis to now. I have been able to "attend" to the mess two ADHD parents have created. Wish us luck! I wish you all luck, as well. You are here and trying to make a difference in your lives....it doesn't get any better than that!!
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Permalink Reply by Kristin on -
Hello, I am a mother of a 7 year old girl and a 3 year old boy. I grew up a only child with two parents addicted to alcohol/drugs. On top of that I had add. thankfully I am a fighter and have family support now. I will offer up my ideas,ways that I cope. First to grow up with a addicted father who was not nice is hell, I know. It hurts. I spent time in therapy. especially when my kids were born b/c things come up. I did not want to cause damage to my kids with similiarities I have seen in myself. I take medication for my mood called abilify it is a great med that works well with antidepressents. Growing up a child in a bad home causes anyone anger and anxiety then you get depressed b/c you feel bad for having the feelings. I would take meds that work be patient and not afraid to try different ones, also get early intervention for your daughter so she will have help and tools to be proud of herself. alot of occupational therapist and speech therapist, therapist can help. Ask the grammar school for a referral or your doctor! Be easy on yourself. I have gone to Adult children of Alcoholics, good program but not overly structured so it can be hard to pay attention through a whole meeting. Hope I have helped a bit, Be easy on your self:)
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