I'm a stay at home mom with ADHD and feel completely lost!
I have been a stay at home mom for almost 8 years. I have a 7.5 yr old son with ADHD and Asperger's syndrome, a 3 yr old, a 2 yr old, and a 1 yr old. Everything was mostly manageable up until the last 2 yrs. Now I'm so overwhelmed that I seem to have shut down completely. I was diagnosed with ADHD about 6 months ago and am currently on meds.
I'd like to get off the meds and also get my son off his meds. I take Adderall (20mgs twice a day) and my son takes 40mgs of Vyvanse. My psychiatrist has also put me on celexa (anti-dep.) and lactimal. I had orginially been on Topamax, but he switched to the Lactimal (mood stabilizer). I have been on Prozac, Lexapro, and now Celexa to deal with severe PMS called PMDD. I feel like things are touch and go as far as helping. The Adderall has helped me a lot, but I feel like I spent 30 yrs living without it and I don't want to be dependant on it. I'd rather learn self discipline and self control and teach it to my son and other children so we are dealing with it instead of just covering it up.
I'm getting very frustrated right now in my role. I am not a good pretender or play with blocks person. I meet their needs, but then get lost in my thoughts, interests. I may get online to check something out and before I know it, it's 12pm and the kids have eaten donuts in the living room for breakfast and I've put in 4 different videos just to look up "one more thing." I feel like I need to be stimulated and I'm totally bored, but I know it's best for them and me to be here. I was a job hopper for the first 5 years of our marriage, so honestly, going back to work isn't likely. Plus, we'd have to put our 3 young ones in daycare, and I don't want that for them either. I want to learn things and do things and get way over my head with things completely related to what I really need to be doing. I put off the cleaning or things that really need to be caught up with because my mind is always going in a million different directions and I forget. I forget pretty much everything. I was great with memory a few years ago, but the addition of the last 2 children has just stretched me so thin that paying the few bills we have is irritating and overwhelming. I've gotten to a point where I have a "who cares?" attitude and I don't like it. I don't spend enough time with my kids just being with them. I meet their needs, I take care of them, but I don't enjoy just sitting there watching them.
I am not sure if things are better or worse on the mood stabilizers. I think worse because I feel more moody, but care less about things. Like not wanting to call friends or family back, ignoring my husband, imaging taking a "do-over" with my life to see if I would be better off if I separated from my husband to get a chance to see the other side. But none of that makes sense and is probably just because I'm frustrated. My husband is great and understanding and while he has his annoying traits, he's a very good man. We married very young (seniors in high school) and were married for almost 6 years before we had our first child. I just feel like I've lost the person I was and a lot of the spirited personality that came with it.
I'm trying to balance being a mom and wife with also being me. I want to research everything that doesn't really matter, but can't seem to get my son on the school bus in time. I can't remember to put his homework into his backpack. I have a huge dry erase board with my daily chore tasks I intend to do, but I haven't done them in 2 years! I know routine is important and helps so much, but it's also boring and if I miss a day, it's like anything I was working on being organized with is now out the window.
Any other moms with ADHD out there that are in the same boat? Anyone else a stay at home mom with little ones? Do you have techniques that keep you from just checking your email or looking for something that causes you to become hyper focused and distracted to the other things you really need to be doing? I hate the way things are right now. I'm not happy, the kids are missing out on their mom, but I just can't seem to strike the right balance. I either get overly involved in helping someone find their lost dog or wanting to organize a playgroup or starting a side business making God knows what this month, but everything else suffers as a result.
Sorry for the long rambling, but I'm happy to see their are other moms suffering with ADD/ADHD and oh how I hope you can help me! I am a smart, educated person who has sadly gotten to a point that I don't care if I get dressed before dinner time or if we eat dinner in the living room AGAIN because the table was covered with stuff I was sorting and intending to organize. I take care of the kids on my own. Hubby works until 8:30pm every night, so it's on me. Is there a way to exercise your brain AND be stuck in a house with 3 toddlers who barely talk?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Rebekah on -
((((((hugs)))))) Erica, I could have written this post myself, I relate SO much to everything you have said. I dont have little toddlers but I do have an 11 year old with Aspergers and moderate ADHD and a 9 year old with severe ADHD and I have bipolar disorder and severe ADHD and PTSD and the computer is my worst enemy and my best friend all at the same time! I dont drive and dont work (I havent had a job for more than a couple of months since highschool and I am 32) so although I am not home with little ones all day needing my help, I am home alone with no one to talk to or have any adult interaction except for a few online friends via emails and after my husband comes home from work, and when the kids do come home, I sit on the computer and dont do anything with them and waste away my day trying to feed this elusive need for socialization and stimulation and support.
I feel like I am no where near the person I was before I had kids, and not even the person I was when my kids were little (albeit I wasnt very responsible and was extremely impulsive when they were young, I have curbed that tendency as I got older) but I feel like I lost myself because of all the "problems" in life and I want to be "me" and I want to care about life and spend time with my kids and actually enjoy them and enjoy spending time with my husband and have some kind of social life and just be a person again, rather than a lump with a pulse.
I have gained 100 lbs because of being on meds for bipolar disorder (I have since gotten off 90% of them..but still take my ADHD med everyday) and all the depression and problems that caused me to eat emotionally for a long time because I didnt "measure up" as a wife and a mother and didnt have anything worth looking forward to.
I have immersed myself into the internet just to feel stimulated and find some kind of social life, no matter how remote...and I spend hours doing this and my kids dont do their chores and they dont do their homework and they dont eat well because Im not taking care of things like I should, and that makes my husband bitter and angry and frustrated and causes problems in our marriage and I have NO excuse, I just get overwhelmed and frustrated and forget and get sucked into the computer and have no real explanation for anything.
my husband is not very supportive as far as ADHD goes anyway, he thinks its more of an excuse and Im just trying to do whatever I want and I dont really "care" about him or the kids or the house or any of those things...and when I was on the bipolar meds, that was true, I wanted to care, but didnt...and now that Im not on them anymore, I care but still dont actually DO what needs to be done and I try to remember and try to make reminders and have the marker boards and the Flylady control journal and timers on my watch and in my kitchen and a million little things that should work and dont.
So I wake up everyday hoping that it will be the day that things turn around, and it never happens...and I have no idea where to go and what to do. This site has been extremely valuable to me because it lets me know that at least Im not the only person out there that is struggling with these problems and that they are not personality flaws, they are ADHD related problems and Im not a loser, I just need something that I havent figured out yet.
So that gives me some hope, but I still dont have any practical solutions other than just dont get on the computer, but my reminder system is computer based and if I ignore it, I dont get anything done and forget what I need to do and when I need to do it in the first place....so what I have been doing lately, and it has been working somewhat....is I found an online computer based calendar/reminder software here and I put my to-do list and chores in reminders for different parts of the day and different tasks for different days (like I clean the bedroom (including change the sheets, dust etc.) on Mondays, the bathroom on Tuesdays, etc.) and I have all of that with reminders on the computer and I just leave the computer on and do what comes up on the reminders IMMEDIATELY when the reminder pops up, because if I dont do it right that second, it doesnt get done, and if its something that needs more than one thing at a time, like cooking (when you have to check the dish every so often) I set a timer in my kitchen so even if I am sucked into the computer, I hear the timer and have to get up and go all the way to the kitchen to turn it off and I see the food cooking and remember to check it, and then if its not done, I set the kitchen timer again and then go back to what I was doing before...like while I was writing this post, I checked the soup Im making for dinner twice :) It only works IF I get up immediately when the reminder goes off, or I forget and dont do it....but thats the best solution I have come up with so far, and it seems to be working the best for me.
Do you know about the different alternatives to medication for ADHD and depression and ASD's? Our whole family does the Feingold Diet for ADHD/Autism and we just recently started a gluten and casein free diet to help with JJ's Aspergers and the ADHD symptoms that arent eliminated by Feingold....I have both of my kids on medication and Im on it myself, but I wish I didnt have to do that for any of us, but my daughter has almost failed school every year before having her diagnosis and being on medication and I am completely lost without meds, so I dont know of any permanent solution for either of us at this point, but I am exploring other options via an Integrative Medicine Physician, but we are still in the diagnostic stage and not in the treatment stage yet, but even small changes have influenced my bipolar disorder enough to get off all of my meds for that, but its taken a couple of years to get there.
I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and I completely relate and if you would like to, you can email me at inky3405@yahoo.com (my name is Rebekah)
I hope you have a wonderful night and that this at least brings you a little bit of hope!
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Permalink Reply by Rachel M on -
I definitely have been quite lost lately. The whole stay at home mom thing can be deadly with ADD. Lately I also feel like the computer is just distracting me way too much. I was almost thinking of having my husband lock it with a password, but I know I would regret that. I definitely was more productive before computers were so prevalent.
In our defense I did once see an interview with the Duggar mom. The person asked her when she got so organized. She said another mom of dozens told her she needed a "system" in place when she had her third. That mother taught her their system and she uses that.
I am terrible at routine. I was almost thinking of getting something like this http://www.eadhd.com/cadexpediatric.html to snap me out of being off track, but they are a little pricey.
Getting the kids to school definitely gets me out of the house. We are lucky enough to live in a neighborhood where we walk to kids to school. I go mainly because it is my main social interaction of the day. That in combination with getting my 4 and 2 year old to their preschools gets me dressed and showered early every day.
I also have a to-do list with years old things on them. Some are simple phone calls. I hate phone calls right now for some reason.
I am not officially medicated yet, but I think I am ready. I have been "lost" my whole life, but the structure of school or work (school for me as a teacher) kept pulling me through life. I even used to eat much better then because I had to plan meals on the weekends because that was when I could shop.
I hope you figure things out. It is hard with several little ones of different ages. You don't really fit in with play groups anymore and it is nearly impossible to go out with them. My husband doesn't get ADD either. Unfortunately my son with ADD got a teacher that doesn't believe in it. You should have seen the checklist I had him fill out for the doctor it had everything checked as normal, but "doesn't complete work he started." The kid is SOOO ADD. Some people will just never understand.
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Permalink Reply by HappyHippyMum on
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hey,
i am a mum to 4 kids, 10, 9, 4, and 2 - and i am 'undiagnosed' add - i'm pretty sure!
my eldest is dx'ed with adhd and dyspraxia and he is like my little mirror image :)
i am a sahm, but pre-kids i was a singer/songwriter and the past 6 months or so i have got back to it after an ENORMOUS break.
i adore my kids - but need more stimulation. i am looking at retraining as a music therapist and hope i have the staying power to do it - i have the will, and after volunteering a few days i know i can do it - i just loved working with the special needs kids - they connect with music just like i do.
i dont know if i have any suggestions. i'm not good at playing so i guess i make the stuff we need to do more 'playful' - consequently my kids enjoy cooking, and cleaning, and generally helping mum - theres always high speed cleaning with prizes at the end - lord knows i need a reason to do the mundane rubbish that must be done!!!!!
anyways, like i say, dont think i have advice really, but wanted to say i feel alot like that too...... :) xxx
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Permalink Reply by Cami on
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Hi Erica!
I'm an SAHM of 2, one who's ADHD is classified as "moderate to severe". He's a young teen now, yet the stress of his early years are still fresh in my mind. His case was such that I was unable to be greater than a few feet distance at any point in time (this until he was about 5 yrs old) I wouldn't say I learned to "cope" -- I recall waking every morning, cursing the fact that another day had begun; it was more of a matter of surviving the day. Socializing was out of the question... his behavior was such that other moms had no interest in playdates, etc; and his demands so great that an adult conversation was not possible. It seemed to me there was no choice but to simply accept the hand I was dealt. I'm not saying it's the best or healthiest way, but it was all I had. I know I'm not much help toward a solution to your concern; I just wanted you to know you are not alone.
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Permalink Reply by Sarah Irvine on
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I too am a stay at home mom of three!! two of my oldest are now in school and I have 18 month old now!!!! I was just diagnosed with ADHD this past oct,,, I think i have always had it though! it took a lot for me to go and get the help that i needed as i thought the doctor would lauph at me!! but he has been amazing.. I started on ritalin and noticed instantly a difference however over time it just didn't work .. I have since been on concerta and it has been much better!! I think you need to find a balance of what works and what doesn't work... I have also recently started therpy which has been a tremendous help as i feel very alone and isolated because of my ADD.. However i am learing that for so long because i was coping without knowing any better that all of a sudden a world has opened up!!! but, i find my mind tends to wander and if stress or anything out of the ordinary pops up i get stressed// I am learning to just go with the flow/... sounds easy but it isn't!! i think what you first have to do is decide if you really want to be on meds and if you don't than don't and if you do than maybe find a different type it can take a while to ge the right dose and maybe think about seeing a different doctor? I am one of the "other" cases where meds have helped me the way you describe your life if what life was like BEFORE meds but i do realize we are all different and maybe you are one that doesn't respond well to meds... Know your defenitly not alone and don't give up until you find an answer!!!
sarah
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Permalink Reply by Erin on -
I'm amazed at how many of you just explained me! lol sad but true! I have 5 kids... 11, 5, 4, and 2 yr. old twins. All boys except the 4 yr. old. My oldest has been diagnosed with ADHD this last yr and his dad has him on meds. Not sure if I agree completely but I know how he is too! My bf was diagnosed with ADHD as a child and has been through numerous treatments with nothing helping him. I am undiagnosed and so is our 5 yr. old. I almost think we should all be tested the more I read about it! Our place is chaos... lol All the boys are bouncing off the walls, even though they are completely bored out of their minds. And our daughter is closed off (its hard to get her to interact with any of us). Lately we have been spending a LOT of time outside. Its good for them to be outdoors playing and I get a chance to breathe! . Don't ever give up! your kids need you!
Erin
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Permalink Reply by Mary Quimby on
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I don't know if you still visit this website, but it was your blog that google pulled up when I searched "stay at home mom ADD", and I'm so glad it did. There are parts to your blog that could have come right from my own mouth. Thanks for writing this, it gave me comfort knowing I'm not the only one out here. =)
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Permalink Reply by Erica Allen on
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Wow! It's been almost a year since I wrote this and a lot has changed. I'm still doing the balancing act with my ADHD meds, but life is DEFINITELY better with meds than without them. We've switched my son to Adderall short acting as well and he's on 10mgs twice a day, which is also the same dose I am on.
Now that the babies are a year older, things have gotten a lot easier to manage and I'm able to feel less frustrated in my role. At least, most days. I found out that I have some very significant vitamin deficiencies that have added to my foggy memory/lack of concentration, so we are working on getting that taken care of.
Last March, I decided to homeschool my oldest son, which has actually made life a lot easier around here as well. I'm not stressed trying to deal with school schedules, homework, activities, meetings, etc and I'm exercising my brain by teaching him. It's also brought us a lot closer as a family, which I wasn't expecting. The best part for me, as far as the ADHD, is I'm not always running behind. The stress of trying to get him up for school and on the bus, etc was so hectic because his meds weren't working that early and neither were mine, so it's nice letting our days start naturally.
I've also set up our lanai area to be a totally kid-friendly area where the toddlers can play while I work with my oldest or just to give myself a breather. We also bought one of those big Step 2 playhouse toys with the slides and I have that off of my living room. It gives the kids "something" to do that isn't destructive and allows them to burn energy and I can relate with it better than a lot of regular toys. And I am adament about reducing clutter. If they don't play with it, if it's missing a piece, if it doesn't work properly, it moves along. I am doing that with everything and reducing the clutter is helping to keep me from wasting energy on stressing about picking up a lot of stuff. Plus, I am starting to get better about making the kids help. I never used to make them do anything to help me, but now, I've been asking them to assist me a little here and there.
It's a work in progress, but I feel things have improved so much since I wrote my original post last year. 3 babies on top of each other just about did me over and, thankfully, I'm finally getting to a point where it's not so overwhelming anymore. Well, there are still PLENTY of days I'm wanting to run for the hills and wishing there was a magic cure, but the Adderall helps so much and once I get my vitamin deficiencies taken care of, I'm hoping I'll be able to feel less defeated just trying to be a mom.
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Permalink Reply by Angela Marshall on -
Hi, I am SO glad to have come across your post!! I am feeling this way right now. I am a stay at home mom with four little ones, my oldest is 6, then 4, 3, and 1 and I'm pregnant. This year I decided to try homeschooling - well, it's tough!! I am so much like the way you described above with the morning computer routine and then before you know it the kids have had junk food for breakfast! Ugh, if I never tried to homeschool I probably wouldn't have gone for help and found out that my problem is add/anxiety. I took adderall/zoloft for about a month and a half before I got pregnant. It worked really well for me - I finally met the person I knew was inside and have been wanting to reach for so long. However, now that I'm off the meds after knowing what it is like to be on them - I just feel like I'm falling into a hole. It is so hard and it seems like people don't really understand how adhd/anxiety affects life. Actually, I do really enjoy homeschooling, however having this ADD is really complicating things. I am more emotional than normal because I'm pregnant, I don't get things done which is very important with homeschooling, and I just feel like a mess. The baby is due at the end of July 2011 and so I am really hoping to start the meds again before the next school year. I know that if I am taking the medication that I can function extremely well, but I just feel like a retard without it! As far as things go now, I got through five days in a row of homeschooling and getting through all the subjects. Today is an emotional day and as of 3:30 I have not started schoolwork yet and my daughter just said to me "things are never going to get better" If I can make it through the next six months, it will be ok. For now I'm really tempted to send my daughter back to public school.
I also can identify with Rebekah as far as using the computer for a social life. My husband too thinks all the trouble I have been having couldn't possibly all be ADHD related. Since he's an analyst, he did a statistical analysis on the likelyhood that my adhd was causing all these problems we have and the results were that I don't care about him enough. Of course I argued that with him, because his analysis is not true! And then there is my mom who thinks that I may have adhd, but it must not be as bad as my brothers because I seem to get to her house on time.
As far as not caring, I felt that way when I was taking 150mg of Zoloft a day for depression. As it turns out, I'm not depressed, it's anxiety - and 150mg was simply too much and therefor making me not care. I swear the kids could have burned down the house and I would have been like, oh well, it will all be fine. 50mg is a much better dose for me.
Anyway, I know the interactions on this site are kind of few and far between, but I do hope I can make a connection with some of you!
~Angela
Erica Allen said:Wow! It's been almost a year since I wrote this and a lot has changed. I'm still doing the balancing act with my ADHD meds, but life is DEFINITELY better with meds than without them. We've switched my son to Adderall short acting as well and he's on 10mgs twice a day, which is also the same dose I am on.
Now that the babies are a year older, things have gotten a lot easier to manage and I'm able to feel less frustrated in my role. At least, most days. I found out that I have some very significant vitamin deficiencies that have added to my foggy memory/lack of concentration, so we are working on getting that taken care of.
Last March, I decided to homeschool my oldest son, which has actually made life a lot easier around here as well. I'm not stressed trying to deal with school schedules, homework, activities, meetings, etc and I'm exercising my brain by teaching him. It's also brought us a lot closer as a family, which I wasn't expecting. The best part for me, as far as the ADHD, is I'm not always running behind. The stress of trying to get him up for school and on the bus, etc was so hectic because his meds weren't working that early and neither were mine, so it's nice letting our days start naturally.
I've also set up our lanai area to be a totally kid-friendly area where the toddlers can play while I work with my oldest or just to give myself a breather. We also bought one of those big Step 2 playhouse toys with the slides and I have that off of my living room. It gives the kids "something" to do that isn't destructive and allows them to burn energy and I can relate with it better than a lot of regular toys. And I am adament about reducing clutter. If they don't play with it, if it's missing a piece, if it doesn't work properly, it moves along. I am doing that with everything and reducing the clutter is helping to keep me from wasting energy on stressing about picking up a lot of stuff. Plus, I am starting to get better about making the kids help. I never used to make them do anything to help me, but now, I've been asking them to assist me a little here and there.
It's a work in progress, but I feel things have improved so much since I wrote my original post last year. 3 babies on top of each other just about did me over and, thankfully, I'm finally getting to a point where it's not so overwhelming anymore. Well, there are still PLENTY of days I'm wanting to run for the hills and wishing there was a magic cure, but the Adderall helps so much and once I get my vitamin deficiencies taken care of, I'm hoping I'll be able to feel less defeated just trying to be a mom.
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