I feel like an outsider in the mom club
You know, when I was single, footloose, and fancy free (and broke, struggling, and often depressed, but that's beside the point at the moment...) I had friends-- lots and lots of friends. Dare I say that as an adult I have been popular --though before anyone thinks I've got a major ego, I had few friends growing up and I suffered from ongoing bullying throughout my school years. However, I overcame my social difficulties as an adult, and used my sense of humor and my genuine interest in people to my advantage. For a number of years, I had no problem making friends-- I was the life of the party, ( and I did love to party...) Well, things have changed since I moved to Canada, got married and had a kid. For one, I've always been a bit of a tomboy, and I have always been more comfortable around guys. I have always found men much easier to make friends with, and I am good at so-called male banter and s@#t talking. That being said, I have also had some wonderful female friends in my life.
However, now that I am a mom, I find myself in hell trying to make small talk with women at playgroups, pre-school and playdates. I am always the most disorganized-- forgetting snacks, water, change of clothes for my kid-- you know, anything and everything. I just seem to rub these other mom's the wrong way. I feel to loud, like not just my voice, but my whole personality. Too loud, too edgy, too sensitive, too much. It doesn't help that I'm on hippie mama island, where everyone is organic and gentle and graceful. I am not graceful. I am prickly and full of sharp edges, like a cactus. I send my kid to school with white flour tortillas and cheese, when everyone else has organic sesame snacks, tempeh sandwiches and edamame. I can barely remember to bring water to playgroup, let alone in a stainless steel contaniment-free waterbottles. Do not get me wrong, it's not that I'm against healthy eating, it's just that I'm never organized enough to do my shopping at the co-op, and my nearby store doesn't have that many healthy choices.
Last year, I met my friend Jennifer (who has since moved) on the beach where she was with a friend I had only met a few times. We all had our children, Jennifer had her son, I had mine, and her friend had all three of hers. The meeting up at the beach was a bit last minute for me, so it was understandable that I wasn't prepared, but this woman, Jennifer's friend--we'll call her "Claire" had a whole slew of containers with healthy snacks for all three kids, changes of clothes for all, had on a nice outfit with earrings that matched her underwear (yes, it was the beach and I could see.) Not to mention, she came to the beach with non-toxic paint so the kids could paint the rocks and the logs if they wanted to be creative. And, if this wasn't enough, turns out she home schools all three kids in english and french. Can I use a french expletive here?
I feel like an outsider in the mom club. I am on the board at my sons playschool, and when I look around the room, I just know I'm never going to be friends with any of the other ladies-- they're all nice enough, but I know when people think I'm "too much." I get the nod and smile alot. I know when I'm being humored.
People used to like me and think I was fun and funny. What happened? I feel lonely and I am wondering if I somehow lost the ability to make friends? I'm a nice person, I care about people and I am genuinely interested in people. I am fun, smart, creative, and interesting, (so says me-- somebody's got to.) I just wish I could tame whatever it was about me that puts people off. I all ready do so much tongue biting and toning down of myself, I don't know what else to do! It doesn't seem appropriate to make good friends with men anymore, unless they are my husbands friends.
I am an older mom as well, I am 41, and I have a 4 year old. Does this have anything to do with it?
Anyway, wondering if anyone else out there can relate.
Cheers,
Gillian
Replies to This Discussion
-
Permalink Reply by Doc G on -
Gillian!!! I can ABSOLUTELY relate. Part of the reason I never wanted to join the mom club is because I knew I wouldn't fit in.
One of the biggest current battles in our house is getting to preschool within 30 minutes of when it starts. I have enough trouble getting myself out of the house in the morning, let alone a 5 year old, and, inevitably we're always late. Of course, I feel horrible about this, and have self castigating discussions with my poor brain every morning as I'm driving like a bat out of hell down the windy country roads to make it to school. I don't know that my husband actually has ADD, but when he's in charge in the morning, it's not much better in the time department. I'm sure my daughter's preschool teacher thinks I'm irresponsible devil spawn (which she intimates each time we're REALLY late), especially because I have a "high profile" career. So, in theory, I should be the most responsible mom of all, right? NOT!
I also work at least 60 hours a week as a family doc and teacher at a medical school, so this doesn't help. Not only am I old (36 with a 5 year old is mamaw age in rural TN), I work in a job nobody truly understands, and I never know (like seemingly all these other moms do) what's protocol for school parties, etc. I don't set up playdates (how do you do that anyway? I'm never home!), I don't bake cookies...at Christmas I offered to take pictures of the party, because that doesn't take planning! I just don't fit in with all these Betty Crocker SAHMs.
I know I'm not giving any advice here, but only know that you're not the only one out there. In my case, we also live in a very isolated place, which is wonderful to calm my ADD brain, but not too accessible for kid things.
In my opinion, there is no reason to "tame" yourself...perhaps the best thing to do would be to consider how your approach makes others feel. (does that make sense?) I was told once that I needed to calm "me" down, which of course just insulted me to no end. Some self-reflection may help you to understand why you get the ooglies in those meetings - it may be that you don't need to "tone you down", just channel that energy. Would it be easier to take a backseat role, like helping with fundraising or something like that? something you enjoy that doesn't put you so much in the spotlight?
I must get back to real work, which is forever hanging over my head like that anvil in RoadRunner cartoons. Just know you're not alone out there!!! Other non-mommy moms live everywhere and feel exactly the same!
G
-
Permalink Reply by Lesley on -
I feel the same way some times, other times i am very cofident but then sence jugdement from the other parents.,,,well other woman really! Then there are days when i just dont feel like talking ... And i dont so it seems awkward when ijust hang back.. And i think the same like what the hecks her problem today!? Like really why cant we just have our days and it not be an issue of judgement, sigh!!!
It feels rather fake and i dont like being fake but i do it just to fit in when really i dont care if i fit in or not... Or do I !? Do you ever wish you could take back some of the private info about home life!!! Ooops i did it again , wont shut up out of nervousness and blab and blurt out my whole story ! :( Your story sounds all too familiar , i know thats not too encouraging nut you definately are not alone. :~}
-
Permalink Reply by Gillian Gahagan on -
Thanks for the responses ladies,
I am going to come back here for a proper response to you both, but we are in the middle of moving right now! Chin up, I think we are all way, way, to hard on ourselves.
Doc G, your a doctor fer cryin' out loud! Pat on the back!!! I'm a high school drop out who's completed about a year of community college! I'm a stay at home mom, not entirely by choice but because I have no career.... as a doctor or anything else. O.k, and partially because I am still not a resident of Canada and I can't work here legally. So, I stay home with my kid and I still can't get it together. I can't imagine trying to parent while shouldering a 60 hour a week work load. So, lay off yourself Doc G! :) Seriously, you made it through medical school. I barely made it through junior high. I had a friend in Portland who was clearly A.D.D, and he made it through Reed College, Cornell journalism school, and then medical school, and is now a doctor. I have no idea how he achieved this. Every time I went anywhere with him we were an hour late, and his car was piled with random papers. I used to think " what in the hell is my problem, he did it, and I can't stupid our he wouldn't want to hang out with me."
And lesley, I've decided:hell is other women (except the ones here, of course!) Why are women so judgmental of each other. I was really depressed when my son was 2, my husband worked away from home all week, and it was really hard. We had just moved and I didn't know anyone. I took my son to playgroup twice a week, and I swear I was avoided because many in the group perceived my depression as "negativity" and just steered clear. Talk about feeling isolated... don't worry about blabbing-- that's what we're here for!
© 2012 Created by Terry Matlen.
