How do you deal with family members who are critical of ADD/ ADHD parent, parenting, and child
I don't know about you, but I am tired of hearing others constantly criticize my child's diagnosis, treatment, or my parental choices on such...as a Mom with ADD and Anxiety, with a teen that was ADHD/unspecified behavior disorder with learning disabilities until recent re-diagnosed, I find it the most saddening to have non-supportive, inconsiderate and judgmental ignorance from my own family members, something we could both do without!
Do others out there experience similar adversity? Is not suffering with these diagnoses enough for any parent to patiently endure on a daily basis? How do you deal with people in your family who are not educated on the daily struggles that we go through? Having to justify my choices along the way, both as a mother, and as a person who has the same issues is simply maddening! Any comments or advice would be so very helpful......Thanks
Do others out there experience similar adversity? Is not suffering with these diagnoses enough for any parent to patiently endure on a daily basis? How do you deal with people in your family who are not educated on the daily struggles that we go through? Having to justify my choices along the way, both as a mother, and as a person who has the same issues is simply maddening! Any comments or advice would be so very helpful......Thanks
Tags: add, adhd, anxiety, criticism, diagnose, diagnosis, medication, parent, parenting, teen, More…
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by debs on -
Hi motor mom
i so identifie with what you have to say my 12 yr old also has add but family think ok for him but not for me. I live in uk adult add is not realy accepted here so there are no support networks . most days life is a real struggle but hay ho have to smile and get through ps not easy thaanks debs
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Permalink Reply by Cheryl W on -
hello ladies. i live in canada, have a mother, soon-to-be ex-husband, and other people around me that continuously try to criticise me in all those ways also. what i have learnt is that these people don't have the 'true' knowledge of adhd that we do. they say that they 'understand' and 'know about' adhd, but they don't. my mother tried to tell me that i was using the words 'i am working on it' as an excuse year after year when i said i was cleaning up the house and according to her it never was. i finally realized that these people have never had the 'hands-on' experience that we have. they are like the 'quack' doctors that have the knowledge from the books, but not the person-to-person interaction needed. that's why it takes docs 7 years to become just a basic one!! what i told these people is that if they truly want to criticise me, then they have to go to these sites, read these forums, and know what other people that have adhd think too. and until they actually do so, they have no right to say what they say. we are smarter than they are in that way, and if they get mad, or are unwilling to go to these sites, then just tell them that until they do, not to say anything if it's not positive because it's getting you mad and hurts when they do. you are human too, and deserve happiness, not the actions of being belittled! be proud of yourself, you try as much as you can daily, and that's all you should do!! if they bring up the subject again, you have the right to warn them that if they bring it up again that you will not talk to them about it anymore. i know that you love these people, but just think of what you would do/say if the neighbor next door were to do the same!! good luck to you and all who read about this. :-)
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Permalink Reply by momo3 on
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Know how you feel - sometimes it helps to focus on what being gifted with ADHD brings in positive ways. A moving mind sees more possiblities! I agree that it is very frustrating to hear people dismiss the diagnosis, and especially maddening to me are those people who say "Oh I know how you feel, sometimes I am so distracted" Its like telling someone with a physical disability - " Oh, I know how you feel, I was in a cast once..." uurgh.
So - Keep trying, keep learning, keep going! Set and live up to your own expectations, not theirs!
I hope you continue to seek out positive, supportive people and limit contact or change the subject in conversations with those who drain you of positive energy. Stand firm in your own research, trust your instincts, and keep telling your children that you love them no matter what.
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Permalink Reply by T. on -
My heart is breaking right now to think that you are feeling the same frustrations and hurt that I went through a few weeks ago. It even put a rift between my husband and I and we all know how hard it is to keep a marriage or any relationship healthy with ADHD present in any member of the family.
Advice??? well it's hard without knowing exactly what is happening but basically all I can say is turn to those who do get it. Like what you are doing here. They won't get it! They don't walk in your shoes. It is so hard not to get defensive. I still can't grasp it. But I have firmly stated on occasion to family members that ie: " when you have walk the 12 years in my shoes with Benjamin then and only then can you consider advising me." Ben is an outstandingly smart, talented & beautiful boy that has challenges just like we all do, he is no more perfact than you or I."
Understanding and acceptance is very difficult for people unless they can really "see" a disability. If your or your son/daughter/you were in a wheel chair etc... they still wouldn't get it but you would get pity and they might not say much of anything. I have found that ADHD is something that people feel is mind over matter and if you "wanted" to you could. Even intelligent people who have been educated about it so they can help their family members will often fall back on the saying "it's mind over matter" Well Friends, we all here know different but the challenge is those closest to us see both sides of us. Some days they are wowed by how incredible we are and then the days when we just barely function. If you are on meds they think you should be infalliable! Telling you to be teflon is not the answer because I have found that many people I know with ADHD are hypersensitive to other peoples feelings and judgements and that makes it even worse.
There is no really good solution. If you can distance yourself from those most poisonous to you & or your child, do it. If not, just know that you have a group here that gets it and understands. Keep positive information posted in your home for you and others who enter, to read. Like the list of famous people with ADHD/ADD or the list of the 25 best things about being ADHD. Try to find comfort in some form of meditation, I write in a journal with a beautiful calligraphy pen, copying parts of the Proverbs that relate to me. Or cuddle with my kids and watch a funny movie. Anyway, I know you get it.
So, take that deep breath and pray for them. You know you are doing your best for you and your family. My arms are around you right now giving you a big hug because I feel your hurt, anger and frustration! Let it go somehow and hug your kids and know in your heart you are a very very good Mom.
Be well.
T.
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Permalink Reply by motormom on -
"T" thanks for your words, everything you said rings true...so good to have a place to vent with others who "Get it"
T. said:My heart is breaking right now to think that you are feeling the same frustrations and hurt that I went through a few weeks ago. It even put a rift between my husband and I and we all know how hard it is to keep a marriage or any relationship healthy with ADHD present in any member of the family.
Advice??? well it's hard without knowing exactly what is happening but basically all I can say is turn to those who do get it. Like what you are doing here. They won't get it! They don't walk in your shoes. It is so hard not to get defensive. I still can't grasp it. But I have firmly stated on occasion to family members that ie: " when you have walk the 12 years in my shoes with Benjamin then and only then can you consider advising me." Ben is an outstandingly smart, talented & beautiful boy that has challenges just like we all do, he is no more perfact than you or I."
Understanding and acceptance is very difficult for people unless they can really "see" a disability. If your or your son/daughter/you were in a wheel chair etc... they still wouldn't get it but you would get pity and they might not say much of anything. I have found that ADHD is something that people feel is mind over matter and if you "wanted" to you could. Even intelligent people who have been educated about it so they can help their family members will often fall back on the saying "it's mind over matter" Well Friends, we all here know different but the challenge is those closest to us see both sides of us. Some days they are wowed by how incredible we are and then the days when we just barely function. If you are on meds they think you should be infalliable! Telling you to be teflon is not the answer because I have found that many people I know with ADHD are hypersensitive to other peoples feelings and judgements and that makes it even worse.
There is no really good solution. If you can distance yourself from those most poisonous to you & or your child, do it. If not, just know that you have a group here that gets it and understands. Keep positive information posted in your home for you and others who enter, to read. Like the list of famous people with ADHD/ADD or the list of the 25 best things about being ADHD. Try to find comfort in some form of meditation, I write in a journal with a beautiful calligraphy pen, copying parts of the Proverbs that relate to me. Or cuddle with my kids and watch a funny movie. Anyway, I know you get it.
So, take that deep breath and pray for them. You know you are doing your best for you and your family. My arms are around you right now giving you a big hug because I feel your hurt, anger and frustration! Let it go somehow and hug your kids and know in your heart you are a very very good Mom.
Be well.
T.
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Permalink Reply by Connie Bingham on -
I know what you are going through because I have a 10 year old daughter that was diagnosed with ADHD and I myself have it. I am dealing with my ex-husband who has never been in her life because of his stupidity and being in prison and my ex in laws telling me she does not have ADHD. I recently took my daughter for a SSI appointment and my daughter was told by her father to tell the doctors that she DOES NOT have ADHD. Hello!!! Where did he get his PHD? and since when did he live with her to know?.
I have had doctors telling me that her issues are in result of my parenting with yes part of it is but that is because I don't get child support and have a hard time financially taking care of her and moving around alot and plus having ADD myself it has been hard.
My ex don't pay child support so why would he stop me from trying to get SSI for my daughter to be able to help support her? Don't make since.
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Permalink Reply by Bridget Patterson on -
Hello there, I am new here but I can relate to what you are experiencing. I have ADHD, OCD and have been in recovery for Bulimia Nervosa for 10 years. I have a son who has Autism Spectrum Disorder, OCD and ADHD. Neither of us have any obvious signs of an issue, we appear "normal" on the outside so the perception is we are just choosing to be the way we are. My son's hyperactivity is off the charts (as the doc says, with Autism involved it's like ADHD times 10) so when we are out and people see him they think he is just bad and I should punish him. He really can't help it at all, he even takes meds 3 times a day and when he feels the 1st dose wearing off he'll ask for the 2nd. I know what's happening in his head so I feel true empathy for it. My husband does not. He thinks I use it as an excuse. I try to promote awareness and understanding for both Autism and ADHD and have joined support groups and started playgroups so I have found support. It's funny how it's alot of times the ones closest to you, your family, who are the least supportive and most critical.
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Permalink Reply by motormom on
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I suppose for all of us who gather here, we know too well what it feels like to be judged by others who have not walked a minute in our shoes. If we medicate our children we are often met with the "Oh my God, how could you put your kid on that?" Or how about the all time regular "It is your parenting that made him/her that way." What I would like each one of the readers to know and understand is that You know your child best, and if You yourself have illnesses or disabilities, then You can only do what you can do. When people throw judgments, criticisms, or even uneducated comments on your children s behaviors or conditions, upon your choices for getting help for yourself or your children....simply shut off your hearing systems...for negativity has no place in your lives!
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Permalink Reply by motormom on
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Dear Pat,
It does not matter that you are Male or that you do not suffer from ADD/ADHD....what Does matter is that You are taking positive steps to Understanding what it entails for those you love! Just by You taking the steps to Educate yourself in order to be a better friend, partner, and person to others who battle with these disorders on a daily basis is very admirable. All too often misunderstanding these sorts of ailments often further isolates or has detrimental effects on the sufferers. Thank you for reaching out and posting to the discussion. If you have questions you would like some experienced answers to...you found the right place. We are all here for the same reasons, and we all support one another in any way we can. Wishing you stick around and continue to search for ways to be supportive to those you care about.
Pat said:Hello, I first want to make sure it is ok to join this chat if I am a male that does not have ADD but has his girlfriend that has it and have concerns. I am trying to read as much as possible to be able to understand her needs and how not to let her ADD wear me down at times. Let me know. Thanks
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Permalink Reply by motormom on
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Hi Stephanie,
Thank you for sharing your story with us and for your kind understanding! Good for you for setting up some serious boundaries within your family structure and for standing your ground with your family members! I too have had to do the same with people I both know or love. Relationships/significant others are just another additional balancing act... It is not that easy to do with anyone whether they are or are not family. In fact sometimes I am looked at as being unable to hear what they are trying to say...yet,what they don't realize is that "how" they say it, is often worse then "what" they say. This does not mean however, that when others do offer up advice -either positive or negative- that we should just cut them off. Instead we must take it with stride, be willing to see things from an "outsiders" point of view, and graciously decline the negative "without letting it get to us". Suffering with disorders that are both seen or unseen are trying enough as it is, so the negative effects of negativity in and of itself, simply adds to the already difficult lives we sometimes lead. You too are a great mom, and your children someday will thank you for it!
Stephanie Schornick said:You poor thing! I feel awful for you because I have been there! My in-laws are the same way towards me! Only , they are not aware of my diagnosis - they're just extremely critical of me and my parenting abilities. My husband received a phone call one day when he was home taking care of our kids because I had a horrible stomach virus. He was told that, in short, I'm a bad mom who never reads to her kids or makes them wash their hands and blah blah blah. Well, first off, they live five hours away and we see them MAYBE a handful of times a year - how they feel they have knowledge of how things are handled in our home is beyond me. My point to that story is for me to tell you how I dealt with it. Basically, I cut them off. I told my husband that they are his parents and I respect that and am in no way trying to tell him to not have a relationship with them. I encourage him to call them, although, not around me...I don't want to know when they talk or what they talk about. I ask only that if they start to criticize me, that he defend me or end the conversation. As for our children, my husband can take them there to see them, if he chooses, so they can have a relationship. I also refuse to allow my children to spend time alone with them until they can learn to respect me and the way I have chosen to parent my children.
That may not be the best solution for you, though. For me, it has reduced my stress tremendously! I know it may seem harsh, but honestly...there are just some people who can't understand that your life is yours to live and yours to make mistakes that you learn from...and from time to time you may repeat a few! I also must mention something I discovered about myself: I realized that the only reason they had enough information about me and my parenting abilities to criticize was because I gave it to them. So again, I've stopped giving it to them. If they were my parents...it might be a different story. I know its much harder to cut ties with your own family than your husband's....or at least I can imagine it would be.
Just know, though, that you are a wonderful person and mother who is doing the best you can! If you weren't, you wouldn't be apart of a group like this! You don't need or have to allow them to make you feel worse about yourself!
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Permalink Reply by motormom on
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Debs, I am so sorry that your family does not accept that even adults suffer from the disorder. It is good that you found this forum, so please don't be shy...we are all the same from where we are to where you are, and hopefully you can gain the support You need, by being a part of others who understand what your going through! Best of wishes to you
debs said:Hi motor mom
i so identifie with what you have to say my 12 yr old also has add but family think ok for him but not for me. I live in uk adult add is not realy accepted here so there are no support networks . most days life is a real struggle but hay ho have to smile and get through ps not easy thaanks debs
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Permalink Reply by motormom on
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motormom said:Debs, I am so sorry that your family does not accept that even adults suffer from the disorder, and that it is often hereditary. Yes, everyday is a struggle when we need to have the strength to deal with our children while at the same time have to refocus our own focus in order to do so! It is good that you found this forum, so please don't be shy...we are all the same from where we are to where you are, and hopefully you can gain the support You need, by being a part of this forum where others understand what your going through! Best of wishes to you
debs said:Hi motor mom
i so identifie with what you have to say my 12 yr old also has add but family think ok for him but not for me. I live in uk adult add is not realy accepted here so there are no support networks . most days life is a real struggle but hay ho have to smile and get through ps not easy thaanks debs
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