how can i help my daughter with her add when i cant help myself?
my daughter since birth had a sign blinking over her head screaming ADD. i just did'nt know its name, only knew it looked real familiar. by kindergarten i was told she was a wall flower and it went on and on..she is now in 7thgrade and its apparent that not only she but i have add..things like remembering meds is quite a joke in itself,. doctors in general make me feel useless when i explain i really cant remember to give my children meds (4) or focus to help them with homework bla bla bla..my daughters teachers tell me to help her organize and be on top of what homework is due.. are you serious its enough for me to remember to brush my teeth.. blind leading the blind actually..going for 504 meeting and they tell me because she is on hono rroll not looking good..i need help that i cant give her. worst is im always frustrated at her for exactly what i hate about myself..vicious cycle! i had horrible school years no one ever helped or advocated for me. this becomes an emotional issue of who im fighting for?? the me as a teen or my daughter whos walking in my shoes!! what do you think..im tired of feeling belittled around ADULTS!! i just want my daughter to know someone has got her back.. i resent being called the girl with the attitude..no one helped me they let me fail she will not fail on my watch..if i can only remember where i put it!!
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by tracyb on -
I remember saying many of these same things as I am rearing two children. Yes it would be nice to be consistent and I would if I could, etc etc,. My children are 15 and 16, one diagnosed ADD and the other is but doesn't want to be so will not talk about it. Oh, and my husband is ADD as well, yes its been lots of fun??? Got to go take my daughter to lessons.
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Permalink Reply by Judy on
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OMG - I soooo understand your plight. It's like the airplane theory...when you're going down, you are supposed to take the air first - so then you can help your kids. If you take care of them first, no one will be able to take care of you.
So - somehow, we are supposed to take care - or manage - ourselves, and then our kids, in terms of ADD.
Well forget it - I've spent many-a-years trying to get better with my ADD, and then I am told to give my child structure. Are they kidding? The best we can do is spend our energy to keep our lives together, hence, still keeping home life together as much as possible. As for your daughter's school and education, I would try to make the schools more accountable for her. i think it may be more difficult wth a 504, as opposed to an IEP. Also, along with YOU advocating for her, make her somewhat accountable for reaching out (to school administration) when she needs accomodation.
Lastly, perhaps you can stress the dissability card. It's your legal right to have accomodations, and then there's the "no child left behind" laws. If you read up on those, it will give you some more legal ammo to throw at them.
So - I completely understand the sweet irony invovled here. You are not alone :)
Wishing you the best - wait -where's my keys? Judy
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Permalink Reply by gina on
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o.k this is so wierd..there really is others who feel the same?? what an amazing moment! thanks for sharing and lol the plane going down i say that to my kids ALL the time.. i always think "when will they learn" whenever they ask me where something is?? thanks for all your suggestions too..i have 4 kids 4, 9, 11, 12. jtk.
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Permalink Reply by tracyb on
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I wanted to add to my earlier comments that "one day at a time motto" is really good if you can do it and just try if you can't. I have spent way too much time with should have, could have and it doesn't help. These next few years are going to be interesting with several teenagers in the house. Kids do start to change sometime in the 12-13th year and reading up on it in advance will help prepare you for the immense changes that they are going through. All of the sudden they will need you to parent them differently and they will let you know by finding an argument in the most simple of encounters and by asking that you not touch them as much. At least that is what has happened with my two. I find that when I can appreciate what they are going thru, not getting involved with their arguing and by trying to hear what they are trying to say, it goes much better. I will say it is very hard for me to do and by reading things like "how to talk so your teenager will listen"(if they will hold still long enough). I just want to emphasize that changing my attitude has made a big difference and I would have liked to have known this going into these teenage years.
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Permalink Reply by Leanne on
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I ask myself this same question nearly every day. We home school, and it's all I can do to have a lesson with the older two (7 and 5) while also entertaining a 2 1/2 y.o. and nursing a baby.
I was diagnosed with ADD and dyslexia when I was in 5th grade (I knew something was wrong way before my parents/teachers did). It got better with therapy (the Discovery Program through the National Institute for Learning Disabilities), but I still struggle now through my days dealing with what my brain perceives as chaos.
It's been nice to read here about you other scatter-brained mothers who lose things all the time. I have NO CLUE where I leave anything, and it frustrates me to no end. I'm always late getting anywhere, and I can't see things that are right in front of me. I try not to get upset at my children when they do what I do.
There are a couple of things I've done that have helped me tremendously. One is de-clutter. If you don't need it or want it, throw it away. Don't even save it for somebody you might see 4 months from now who might want it. Just give it to the thrift store or throw it away. Also, to make less work for myself, I packed away nick-nacks. If they're out, they collect dust, which means I have to clean them. If they're out, I have to worry about the kids breaking them, and I then I yell at them if they get near them. I can avoid all that by just putting them away or giving them away.
I also use my crock pot (slow cooker) multiple times a week. At night before bed, or right after breakfast when everybody's happy for a minute, I go put something in the crock pot for dinner. It takes a big load of having to spend a couple of very stressful hours in the kitchen in the late afternoon when everybody's tired and hungry including me.
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Permalink Reply by Jess H on -
OMG....it really is such a relief not feeling so alone in this. I know I'm not the only mom w/ ADD, struggling with these things, but without actually connecting with others who get it, it's hard to not feel alone in it.
I completely understand what you are saying. My story is quite similar. I wasn't diagnosed until my twenties and childhood/school was very, very hard for me. Nobody helped and I was the "bad" kid, who ended up dropping out at 16 and getting my GED. Since then, I have been in and out of college (I'm now 33) and it is a non-stop struggle.
My son is now 14 and was diagnosed at 5.
I don't know how to teach him the skills I have been desperately trying (unsuccessfully) to teach myself. I cannot structure a single day. I dread mealtime because I can't seem to plan ahead for it. My concept of time is ridiculously askew. Getting us both out of the house takes FOREVER! His bedtime always ends up being significantly later than intended. Being a single parent with ADHD is harder than I ever imagined.
Since last year, my son has been primarily living at his fathers...which is devastating to me, but I agreed to it because I know he needs the structure and...try as I might (and OMG, how I try) I cannot provide it and his father can. (Although, his father is quite nasty to me and refuses to acknowledge that I do the best that I can and keep trying to do better and that my parenting strengths are simply different than his.)
It's a shame that there are a million and one books about parenting an ADHD child or having ADD, but it's hard to find anything with advice on when Mom and child both have it.
I think that the one good thing about both having it is that we understand our kids struggles. Knowing that somebody understands and has your back is a big deal.
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