Finding my identity (and sanity) as a Stay At Home ADD Mom
Being a SAHM is mentally, physically and emotionally challenging - even for someone without ADD.
We are caring for other people ALL DAY LONG and unfortunately we rarely take anytime for ourselves. Our success is not measured by a pay check or a bonus and it is hard to find fulfillment in changing diapers, feeding children, picking up toys and cleaning kitchens and bathrooms. Having ADD makes all the worse as we can get sucked into spending hours on the computer or rearranging furniture or any other task that takes up most of the day which unfortunately results in neglecting the basic things that in the back of our mind we know we should be doing. It seems that many of us ADD Moms have a difficult time sitting on the floor and playing with our kids. Our minds are running a million miles a minute making it difficult to focus on something as simple as playing with dolls, trains or blocks.
I finally realized that I needed to put some time into myself in small ways that were fulfilling so that I wasn't so drawn to the computer, or furniture rearranging etc. I also realized that I do not have to play with my kids with TOYS - I can play with them by bringing them into what I find intriguing.
Everyone has different interests but this is what has worked for me:
1. I had always wanted to play the guitar so I got one for my last birthday. There are free online lessons (where I do use the computer but with a purpose). As I learn songs my kids sing with me. I stink but they don't know or care and I love it.
2. I wanted to be more fit so I recorded some pilates programs on my DVR. All of my kids think that doing the exercises with me is hilarious. I would be easier to do this without my kids there climbing on me, fighting, asking for drinks etc. but it's okay - it's better than nothing. They think that I am amazing because I can do these tricky things.
3. Because I don't want to be on meds I have explored natural remedies and I came across Essential Oils. Though I do not think that they will do the trick with my ADD or depression/anxiety they do fix a lot of other things. I bought a 'family physician's kit' and I am getting really into it. My kids are really in to it too. I give them a foot rub with one of the oils that treats whatever they are dealing with, cold, allergies, etc. If they are perfectly healthy they pick one that they like to smell. Though my son (ADHD) and I are still on our traditional meds I have not given anyone in my house any OTC meds since I started this in Janurary. I bought a reference book and I love reading up on the benefits of different oils and the scents are VERY theraputic.
4. MUSIC! I have made a giant play list of my favorite songs. The kind that I love to sing along with or that have a message that is meaningful to me. When I walk into the kitchen every morning I start my playlist. I think that because it is not just background music but stuff that I LOVE it keeps me singing and thinking about the lyrics or meanings. Because my brain is slightly occupied with this I tend to get distracted less and get more done during the day. I take breaks from my tasks and teach my kids lyrics or we all have a dance party in the living room.' My music is on ALL DAY LONG and my kids are starting to learn some of them. There is nothing cuter than a car full of kids sing 'Human' by The Killers, 'Fever' by Michael Buble, or 'You Can't Always Get What You Want' by the Rolling Stones.
If you feel 'lost' as SAHM - pick some things that really interest you. The computer will be less of a magnet and there are usually ways to incorporate your kids into whatever you are doing. PLEASE don't be to hard on yourself - this is a difficult job and it brings out the worst in our ADD tendencies but if you feel that staying home with your kids is important - it is worth your sacrifice. Just make sure that your mental health does not take a back seat - TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!! That way you will have reserves to care for your kids - and you can have fun while you do it.
I still can get sucked into the computer for hours on end and I still have down days but I feel like I am consistently establishing my new identity. Now instead of the mom who seriously thought she was going crazy, or the mom in a computer-induced haze, I am a medicated but still scatterbrained, forgetful Mom who is learning guitar, doing pilates, healing most ailments holistically, and having a regular family jam session in the living room. My kids think that I am great and I have not even touched a barbie, train, lego or ANY other toy except to help the kids clean up.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by JadeH on -
Hi Wendy! I'm new on here and very new to the possibility that I have ADD (although the more I read, the more certain I am that I have been waiting to realize it all my life). I am a stay-at-home mom to an 11 month old, and your post resonated SO strongly with me, I just wanted to say thank you. I think I have a bit of a road ahead of me in terms of getting diagnosed and adjusting to this new idea, but it helps more than I can begin to say to read/think that I am not alone in some of my experiences (like getting sucked into the computer for hours at a time...)
So, thanks!
Jade
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Permalink Reply by Amanda on -
Wow! I wish I had seen something like this a year and a half ago when I truly thought I would lose my mind or have a break down. My dd was 6 mos and I had lost all sense of my former "corporate" identity, I was completely overwhelmed by the isolation and lack of structure and my husband just didn't "get it". I had few to turn to. I felt so lonely and depressed. I struggled -- and failed, with house cleaning and all the myriad of things that must get done by a SAHM. I ultimately went the escape route and got sucked into the computer, which only furthered my sense of incompetence and failure and fueled my spouse's anger toward's me as I neglected my chores. I did my best to take care of my dd, but often felt depressed and I'm still plagued by the guilt of what I felt I should/should not have been doing during that time.
I eventually joined a direct sales company which helped tremendously. I had goals to set and REACH! There was not just the overwhelming responsibility of caring for a helpless, needy infant or the mind-numbing,never-ending cycle of house chores to overwhelm me, but something I could actually accomplish and FINISH! I gained back some of my former self and more confidence.
Unfortunately, as my new business took off and grew, I got overwhelmed again but for different reasons. Now the struggle was balancing even more responsibility as I now had a JOB on top of taking care of my now toddler and, of course, the housework. But, I refuse to give it up, because it is something I enjoy. I feel competent at something. I get recognized for reaching my goals. I was just recognized for being Top New Performer in my area. Yippee! I never felt so proud in all my life to go walk across the stage and accept my trophy. Unfortunately, I get no recognition for the work I do as a mother and recognition is something that is important to me. But, I continue to pour my love into my daughter and pray to God I'm not warping her for life LOL
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Permalink Reply by Mommy of 4 on
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Thank you for the suggestions. I was laughing as I read this because I am natorious for rearranging furniture. Anyhow, I appreciate the suggestions because I can't seem to get my mind to slow down long enough to actually play with my kids. I want to so bad but when I have tried in the past I get so anxious and stressed it takes everything I have not to end up getting irritable with my kids. I love your suggestions and will have to think about how I can impliment my ownn likes into our life.
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Permalink Reply by Jennifer Cerequas on
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I can so relate to everything here. My daughter is 11, so I now know it does get better.
When she was little, I felt it wasn't her per se (she didn't have any serious issues) it was THE JOB OF MOTHERHOOD that was the problem for me. For the first time in my life I started really (negatively) comparing myself with others. in this case other mothers. And in my mind, I was coming up short.
Other mothers could always be upbeat, happy,patient with their kids. They seemed to enjoy dedicating every free second to playing with and interacting with their kids, so what was wrong with me? At least now I know. One book I like on this topic is "Moms with ADD"
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Permalink Reply by Stephanie Rediske on -
I say this over & over & over but it never stops being true, sites like this and people like you are 1,000 times more beneficial than any so-called self-help book or a 45 min session with a shrink! As I read the words above I instantly start crying but not out of sadness but not out of comfort and relief because FINALLY someone actually GETS ME! All of these things that I felt so alone in feeling, not because my husband isn't wonderful, because he is, and he tries his verybest to be sympathetic & understanding but deep down, to no fault of his own, I know he'll never TRULY get it! But then you ask yourself, does ANYONE truly get me? And here you beautiful people are!! :-) YOU get me and that is SO liberating!! A MILLION THANK YOU'S!
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Permalink Reply by Meghan Jankowski on -
I am a SAHM too, and I am on meds, and actually they help quite a bit but they aren't magic pills, my ADD doesn't go away. I've had some bad experiences but I found something that works for me. Anyways, that was my piece on that lol. I wanted to say I agree with you. I can play with my son on the floor and actually not get angry and irritated when something interrupts me but I still get hyperfocused ALOT. I just cleaned out the majority of the house the last three days. I do incorporate my son in what I'm doing and that seems to help!! We love music, singing and dancing and I also do yoga when I remember and put my son on the floor in front of me while doing the yoga around him. He's almost 6 months old!! Hes on my lap right now :) But some things that help me are I put post it notes EVERYWHERE, to tell me to turn off the tv or computer, or to not pick at my face. Also just reminders like on the bathroom door to take a shower at nine or take the dog out at specific times. I also set alarms on my phone to help me with my routine, I just started with the night routine, which is 8pm Kai's bathtime, 8:30 grandma time, 9pm kai in bed, 10:45 dog last time out for pody and 11:00 pm (it says GET YOUR A$$ in BED) when the alarm goes off lol. But it works, I also DO NOT for any reason ever go on the comp or watch tv past 8pm or I will not stop till 4am in the morning and my whole routine will be thrown off. That has been the biggest helpful change. Making a routine for my son and I and using just ONE planner, lol I tend to use 5 and then can't find anything! So its getting better but not having a car and being at home with my son almost 7 days a week as a single mom living with my mom is not easy with ADD. Im learning to focus on the assets of add instead of the things I can't do. I love your post I totally agree, hope my experience may be helpful!!
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