Any of you ADD Mom's married to an Aspie? I sure could use your wisdom. :)
I'm ADD, My husband has Asperger's and my 8 year old kid is ADHD/ PDD-NOS...well, we are still in the midst of the assessment process for the PDD but if you ask me it is fairly obvious. We were all diagnosed in the last 2 years. We started with my daughter and as we saw ourselves reflected in her we all ended up with diagnosis. Amazing that my husband and I had no idea previously, although we had both been treated for secondary stuff like depression, anxiety and OCD. Anyone else out there?? Maybe we could start a club that we forget to attend? One of the Aspies can write the rules. :)
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Suzanne Bancale on
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Wow! Pauline,
Your response is probably the best one I've ever had to an online question! Your helps are both practical, and reasonable to implement. You make me feel like I can keep plugging away at my marriage- even though the differences can be so daunting. I have so struggled in the last couple of weeks with this new info of my hubs having Aspergers. I want so much for my marriage to be successful, but the diagnosis of him having Aspergers really has rocked my world. How did you come to discover your husband's diagnosis- how were you able to get him to hear that he has this? Mine is still in his "I've got it all together, now what's your problem" mode. He acts like the rest of the family is messed up, and he's the "normal" one. Not a real place of awareness here... Me on the other hand, I took my ADHD diagnosis like a bull by the horns, and have, and continue to wrestle myself to the ground- Neurofeedback, behavioral therapy, counseling and now adding meds. I have 5 kids to raise, and I have to do whatever is needed to do the best job possible!!
Marcia Combs said:LOL. My husband is an architect too. - for 30 yrs - partner at a firm.
Pauline said:This is so wonderful. Thank you all for sharing. I knew we couldn't be the only ones. Suzanne, you asked about communication issues. Two things have been helpful for us. We got them from a AS shrink. Take them for what they are worth.
1. I expect my husband to look at me and after 15 years have a clue what sort of state I am in. Now that I understand that he can't do that I am OK with spelling it out. We have a rating scale. He comes home and I say " I am at an 8" He knows by prearranged discussion that that means I am maxing out and he can offer to rub my back, bring me tea, or go for a walk. Or the "8" tells bim he needs to say "What can I do to help?" It is like he has a filing system in his head. I know that seams contrived, but you Aspie mates will get it. We don't always use this system but it has been great for when I am struggling. He gets to feel like he is showing love and affection which is what he wants but can't get there on his own.
2. Sometimes his logic drives me nuts as well. I feel like |I never "win" an argument. He is always asking for examples and proof . I can't offer them. I can say how I felt. The shrink said that we can make the intuitive v. logic thing work for us not against us and we are!! Now if I have a problem we go for a walk and I talk...and talk...and talk. Chris may interrupt for clarification but that's all. When I am all vented out I either say thank you that Is all I needed or I ask what he heard. It is amazing how his brain sifts through the emotion and gets to the facts that I couldn't find. We are supposed to then develop a "plan" to tackle the problem. This is where we need work, but overall this is a great method because we get to share our strengths with each other. When Chris has a problem he emails it to me. This gives me time to respond very clearly and prevents me from interrupting. We also schedule times to talk about what is bothering him and I take notes and promise not to get up and down a lot. I can not just grab him and start talking.
3. In social situations, Chris sits back, way back and now I let him. He plain asks me what he is supposed to do and I tell him and he does it and convention is satisfied and he feels less nervous. With friends he just says "Explain that to the Aspie". The shrink told Chris to see small talk as a rope suspended between two people. As they chit chat they each pull the rope in more and more until they are closer and ready for deeper discussion. This imagery has helped Chris enormously. We actually go over small talk topics before going anywhere. We may need to go over names and which delicate topics to avoid. It has reduced his anxiety enormously and he is more willing to get together with others now. He wants friends but getting there is hard.
I am also learning to write everything down for him and my daughter. If Chris is in charge at home for a day or so I have a chart with three lunch and three diner choices on it that the 8 year old can pick from. We schedule the entire time that I am to be away and go over it. As long as I don't have to be there and follow the stupid schedule , all is well. I actually can go away occasionally now and know that they are probably alive and even having a good time.
My husband is a brilliant computer architect and a warm funny guy. As he is learning to read non- verbal clues and navigate the social landscape we are happier and have more hope for the future. He is also able to interpret the social world for my ADHD/ maybe PDD-NOS daughter better than I can. I simply do not understand how she is getting off track with people but Chris asks the right questions and they talk through a lot of school situations.
Oh, one last thing. I am desperately trying to create structure and to keep the house organized. So hard for an ADHD gal but the AS factor is the best motivator I have ever had. I have also cut way back on my other commitments and give myself much more time to accomplish this than others may need. I only work part time. I can do this because Chris is so brilliant at his job that we can afford for me to be home a lot. I used to feel guilt about that and not understand why I was so tired all the time. With the diagnosis I understand. Now I simply smile because if I look progress is there.
Hope this is useful. It sounds like we have things all figuerd out. We don't, but we are growing. Again thank you all for commenting. Can't wait to hear more.
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Permalink Reply by Annmarie on -
Hi all, I need some information regarding what Aspergers looks like in an adult. When Lauren mentioned "narcissist" a light, or alarm, when off. I now suspect Aspergers might be the explanation for a relative's marital troubles. If so, what a revelation and maybe one of hope. So, my question for anyone out there who has insight: What does Aspergers look like in a adult? If that adult has been described as an extreme narcissist (among other things) would that be a fitting description that might indicate adult Aspergers or on the spectrum? Any info would be great!
Lauren Moore said:Yes pretty much just like you. I'm 53, finally diagnosed ADHD a few yrs ago after trying to convince one dr after another something wasn't right - the whole "you're a female and I don't THINK so". Miserable marriage for a long time, therapist told me my husband and daughter sound like AS and as a side note my mom is a raging narcissist which is probably why I was attracted to and remained married to an AS for almost 25 yrs. It all unraveled from there. Left marriage, husband denies or avoids that he is AS, is of no help w/my 19 yr old AS daughter. My AS daughter was originally diagnosed like so many girls as ADD in 4th grade and yes like many adults figured out I was ADHD then. The AS symptoms really didn't kick in and get rigid until middle school. This too is common for AS girls. I substitute in schools now while looking for a job. I can pretty much pick out AS or PDD or someone on the spectrum pretty quickly now. And yes - depression, anxiety too for me and probably for my AS daughter. AS runs through my husband's family - my daughter, my husband, his father and grandfather. Of course no official diagnosis but I don't need one - it's sooooo obvious. I am divorcing after 25 yrs. Have you read about Cassandra's syndrome? So few people truly understand how debilitating ADHD is, much less understand AS, I usually just muck along and keep it to myself. I often think, if I told you I had Lupus, my husband had cancer (which he actually does) and my daughter had lupus too, we'd get an ear but people just turn a deaf ear about all of this - besides my therapist.
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Permalink Reply by Pauline on
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We suspected Chris might be on the spectrum while we were (are) struggling to figure out our daughter. When we discussed a behavior of hers he kept saying "I do that" There have always been jokes about him. Co workers called him "Rainman". We didn't know there was a real thing that equates to autism light. Chris was willing to take a bunch of online tests and the scores left little doubt. Getting him to the shrink required subterfuge. He thought we were going for our daughter. I found a guy who specializes in Asperger's. He is slightly unprofessional ( I now realize) and was willing to go along with the dishonesty. He was also willing to say after talking to Chris that he could do official testing but he didn't see it as necessary. We just tell the shrinks we talk to for our daughter that Chris has been "officially diagnosed". saves us from jumping through a few extra hoops. Chris all but ran from the shrinks office. I think I am what kept him there. He knew that if we didn't get some help I was going to leave. I was on my last thread of sanity and still undiagnosed for the ADHD. I talked to the shrink for long time over the phone before we went to the office. he knew how to get Chris there. CHris went three more times and it was great. He no longer sees it as necessary or a legitimate expense. :) I go sometimes and I always walk away with good practical doable advice. You can't do it alone ladies. T
Tony Atwood's book's are a great resource. I also read a good book about a woman married to an Aspie called "alone together" http://www.amazon.com/Alone-Together-Making-Asperger-Marriage/dp/18....
Also do a search on diagnosing asperger's by it's strengths. You will be reminded of the qualities in your husbands that you fell in love with.
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Suzanne, I am in awe of all you are doing to take care of yourself and your family. I understand the frustration of being that kind of "own it" person and then watching your husband resist diagnosis. It may help to have him read about Aspie strengths. I've been trying to find an article \I read a while back that reminded me of all the great traits my husband has that I fell in love with. They were all classic Aspie! LOL. I think we ADHD gals may be drawn to all that logic and consistency. I'll post the articel when I find it.
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Permalink Reply by Jennifer Cerequas on
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Can you please, please give some more details as to how your husband accomplished this? I ahve this problem myself, and I feel like I am a blind person being told to learn how to see the color yellow.
Thanks!
Pauline said:This is so wonderful. Thank you all for sharing. I knew we couldn't be the only ones. Suzanne, you asked about communication issues. Two things have been helpful for us. We got them from a AS shrink. Take them for what they are worth.
1. I expect my husband to look at me and after 15 years have a clue what sort of state I am in. Now that I understand that he can't do that I am OK with spelling it out. We have a rating scale. He comes home and I say " I am at an 8" He knows by prearranged discussion that that means I am maxing out and he can offer to rub my back, bring me tea, or go for a walk. Or the "8" tells bim he needs to say "What can I do to help?" It is like he has a filing system in his head. I know that seams contrived, but you Aspie mates will get it. We don't always use this system but it has been great for when I am struggling. He gets to feel like he is showing love and affection which is what he wants but can't get there on his own.
2. Sometimes his logic drives me nuts as well. I feel like |I never "win" an argument. He is always asking for examples and proof . I can't offer them. I can say how I felt. The shrink said that we can make the intuitive v. logic thing work for us not against us and we are!! Now if I have a problem we go for a walk and I talk...and talk...and talk. Chris may interrupt for clarification but that's all. When I am all vented out I either say thank you that Is all I needed or I ask what he heard. It is amazing how his brain sifts through the emotion and gets to the facts that I couldn't find. We are supposed to then develop a "plan" to tackle the problem. This is where we need work, but overall this is a great method because we get to share our strengths with each other. When Chris has a problem he emails it to me. This gives me time to respond very clearly and prevents me from interrupting. We also schedule times to talk about what is bothering him and I take notes and promise not to get up and down a lot. I can not just grab him and start talking.
3. In social situations, Chris sits back, way back and now I let him. He plain asks me what he is supposed to do and I tell him and he does it and convention is satisfied and he feels less nervous. With friends he just says "Explain that to the Aspie". The shrink told Chris to see small talk as a rope suspended between two people. As they chit chat they each pull the rope in more and more until they are closer and ready for deeper discussion. This imagery has helped Chris enormously. We actually go over small talk topics before going anywhere. We may need to go over names and which delicate topics to avoid. It has reduced his anxiety enormously and he is more willing to get together with others now. He wants friends but getting there is hard.
I am also learning to write everything down for him and my daughter. If Chris is in charge at home for a day or so I have a chart with three lunch and three diner choices on it that the 8 year old can pick from. We schedule the entire time that I am to be away and go over it. As long as I don't have to be there and follow the stupid schedule , all is well. I actually can go away occasionally now and know that they are probably alive and even having a good time.
My husband is a brilliant computer architect and a warm funny guy. As he is learning to read non- verbal clues and navigate the social landscape we are happier and have more hope for the future. He is also able to interpret the social world for my ADHD/ maybe PDD-NOS daughter better than I can. I simply do not understand how she is getting off track with people but Chris asks the right questions and they talk through a lot of school situations.
Oh, one last thing. I am desperately trying to create structure and to keep the house organized. So hard for an ADHD gal but the AS factor is the best motivator I have ever had. I have also cut way back on my other commitments and give myself much more time to accomplish this than others may need. I only work part time. I can do this because Chris is so brilliant at his job that we can afford for me to be home a lot. I used to feel guilt about that and not understand why I was so tired all the time. With the diagnosis I understand. Now I simply smile because if I look progress is there.
Hope this is useful. It sounds like we have things all figuerd out. We don't, but we are growing. Again thank you all for commenting. Can't wait to hear more.
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Permalink Reply by Jennifer Cerequas on
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Can you tell more about this? I have never heard this before, but it sounds very interesting
Libby McCullough said:Hi,
I'm new here. I have a hubby w/ Aspergers (undiagnosed) and a son who is also on the Spectrum. I probably have ADD and Auditory Processing Disorder. My older son is a mirror image of me. Younger is a mirror image of his dad. I've been married since 1993 and have our ups/downs but we are hanging in there. Both sons have IEPs, and I've been an advocate for kids since younger son's diagnosis and extreme drama because of school/denial of FAPE for 6 yrs now.
Anyway, I have loved hearing about your marriages/partnerships w/ Aspies. I also have many adult friends with Aspergers and they are all very precious to me. I love their honesty. Love their loyalty. Love their dependability. Love the logic. I am also very careful about sharing my views but put it out there that I don't believe Autism is a disease, and see it more of a different way of thinking, and wish to show them my love and respect when helping and relating to them. That said, I know not everyone would agree with me, but seeing it as a difference helps in the acceptance of your spouse as someone God has blessed with differences that compliment the differences you have also. The world has a great deal of trouble with acceptance and wants us to conform to their mold. Acceptance is also called Social Role Valorization and is a subject that can help all your relationships. It is a huge part of advocacy for yourself and your family members.
My hubby does not understand me many times but we are getting there.
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I found the articlel I was looking for on positive traits of Aspies. It really is
good
http://autismaspergerssyndrome.suite101.com/article.cfm/positive_tr...
Meanwhile I am taking my aspie camping for the first time. Wish me luck!
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