Any of you ADD Mom's married to an Aspie? I sure could use your wisdom. :)
I'm ADD, My husband has Asperger's and my 8 year old kid is ADHD/ PDD-NOS...well, we are still in the midst of the assessment process for the PDD but if you ask me it is fairly obvious. We were all diagnosed in the last 2 years. We started with my daughter and as we saw ourselves reflected in her we all ended up with diagnosis. Amazing that my husband and I had no idea previously, although we had both been treated for secondary stuff like depression, anxiety and OCD. Anyone else out there?? Maybe we could start a club that we forget to attend? One of the Aspies can write the rules. :)
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Carla J. on
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I had to laugh when I read the title to your post because it sounded so much like my marriage! My husband has not been diagnosed yet with ASPERGER'S, but I often wonder based on the one sided'ness' of our arguments/discussions. I don't have much wisdom to share, other than the fact that I try to limit our disagreements because they end up escalating into a non-productive argument. But I sure would love to share experiences,etc.
Thanks!
Carla
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btw...our 11 year old son has ADHD and we're still trying to figure out the Asp. bit..due to the social issues.
Carla J. said:I had to laugh when I read the title to your post because it sounded so much like my marriage! My husband has not been diagnosed yet with ASPERGER'S, but I often wonder based on the one sided'ness' of our arguments/discussions. I don't have much wisdom to share, other than the fact that I try to limit our disagreements because they end up escalating into a non-productive argument. But I sure would love to share experiences,etc.
Thanks!
Carla
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Permalink Reply by Pauline on
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Sounds great Carla! Chris and I were headed for divorce if we hadn't figured out his unique brain (just a little sarcasm there.) How are you going about your son's AS assessment? Do want to swap stories publicly? I am easy either way. I can certainly share a few of the things Chris and I have figured out communication- wise that seem to help. What doesn't help is my struggle to provide the two of them with the required structured, organized environment. Talk about pressure! So glad you responded!
Carla J. said:btw...our 11 year old son has ADHD and we're still trying to figure out the Asp. bit..due to the social issues.
Carla J. said:I had to laugh when I read the title to your post because it sounded so much like my marriage! My husband has not been diagnosed yet with ASPERGER'S, but I often wonder based on the one sided'ness' of our arguments/discussions. I don't have much wisdom to share, other than the fact that I try to limit our disagreements because they end up escalating into a non-productive argument. But I sure would love to share experiences,etc.
Thanks!
Carla
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Permalink Reply by Melissa on -
Hi pauline,
My bf's son was recently diagnosed as Asperger's (was previously ADHD which they may keep both labels), and after his mom saying he was always exactly like his son, I read up on it and believe my bf also has Asperger's. I have ADHD, my son has ADHD, and my bf and I both have depression (mine is perfectly medicated and doesn't really impact my life these days).
The biggest thing I notice is that I'm always trying to help people and can see the best in everyone (even if it maybe isn't there, lol) whereas he sees the worst in people (all people in a group are the same - everything is black/white theres no middle ground - ex - ALL girls in his hometown are sluts -even though he doesn't know them all, ALL girls want to date a jerk - and ALL girls will leave a good guy to be with that jerk- which does happen sometimes and I think more with younger girls -but not ALL).
He is happy to have no one around, he spends most of his time alone - which is why he won't move in because he can't stand having me and my son (or anyone) always around. He doesn't really care for people, if a friend really needed help that he couldn't give he can easily end a friendship rather than try to make it work (yes he'll even state that he doesn't really care for his friends or for anyone, even said it about his son at times - said it to me not his son).
A lot of the time I don't see that side of him, he'll usually fake it if he talking to someone else, he knows how other people think and he'll say what they want to hear (actually he's really good at that) - but it isn't what he's actually thinking/feeling on the inside.
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Permalink Reply by Jessica Ann Hobson on -
Aspergers and ADHD people love to be together I have decided! An old neighbor of mine had ADHD (though I don't know if she could tell) and her husband was an Aspie, though he couldn't tell and she could! My other friend where I live, her mother is ADHD (undiagnosed) and her dad is Aspergers (undiagnosed), and her son and daughter are inclined to be Aspergers kids, we think. My friend that moved felt so alone and struggled to find other couples who had stayed married for as long as she had (30 years +) to someone who behaved more like a very large child most days, though he was brilliant when it came to Geo-Physics, which is how he pays their bills! I only share to let you know you aren't alone, and to keep searching for others out their that share these issues, because I know my friend felt so disheartened sometimes by the lack of resources for Aspergers adults! Good luck, I will be sure to pass on anything I find on the matter!
~Jessica Hobson
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Permalink Reply by Suzanne Bancale on
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Wow, this is so my home. I have ADD, my son diagnosed with ADHD & Pdd-nos. Pretty sure my hubby has Aspergers. Took me only 16 years to figure this out. LOL How do you deal with the social / communication issues with your husband?
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Permalink Reply by Cath on -
Hello there,
I do believe my partner is an Aspie though we don't agree on this issue. Sometimes my partner withdraws from social settings and then uses the excuse 'you know I am on the Autistic Spectrum' for convenience. There are many other traits I notice though. I am ADD and have finally gone on to medication which has helped greatly. Though we love each other's company we are like chalk and cheese and sometimes we do not understand what each other are saying and have to remind ourselves that we speak different languages before the discussion get's too heated! Great to hear other's stories on this!
C
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Permalink Reply by Cath on
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Hello there,
I do believe my partner is an Aspie though we don't agree on this issue. Sometimes my partner withdraws from social settings and then uses the excuse 'you know I am on the Autistic Spectrum' for convenience. There are many other traits I notice though. I am ADD and have finally gone on to medication which has helped greatly. Though we love each other's company we are like chalk and cheese and sometimes we do not understand what each other are saying and have to remind ourselves that we speak different languages before the discussion get's too heated! Great to hear other's stories on this!
C
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Permalink Reply by Lauren Moore on
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Yes pretty much just like you. I'm 53, finally diagnosed ADHD a few yrs ago after trying to convince one dr after another something wasn't right - the whole "you're a female and I don't THINK so". Miserable marriage for a long time, therapist told me my husband and daughter sound like AS and as a side note my mom is a raging narcissist which is probably why I was attracted to and remained married to an AS for almost 25 yrs. It all unraveled from there. Left marriage, husband denies or avoids that he is AS, is of no help w/my 19 yr old AS daughter. My AS daughter was originally diagnosed like so many girls as ADD in 4th grade and yes like many adults figured out I was ADHD then. The AS symptoms really didn't kick in and get rigid until middle school. This too is common for AS girls. I substitute in schools now while looking for a job. I can pretty much pick out AS or PDD or someone on the spectrum pretty quickly now. And yes - depression, anxiety too for me and probably for my AS daughter. AS runs through my husband's family - my daughter, my husband, his father and grandfather. Of course no official diagnosis but I don't need one - it's sooooo obvious. I am divorcing after 25 yrs. Have you read about Cassandra's syndrome? So few people truly understand how debilitating ADHD is, much less understand AS, I usually just muck along and keep it to myself. I often think, if I told you I had Lupus, my husband had cancer (which he actually does) and my daughter had lupus too, we'd get an ear but people just turn a deaf ear about all of this - besides my therapist.
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Permalink Reply by Lauren Moore on
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Oh - I meant to add - which makes it soooooo nice to find a few others in the same boat that I can relate to. :)
Lauren Moore said:Yes pretty much just like you. I'm 53, finally diagnosed ADHD a few yrs ago after trying to convince one dr after another something wasn't right - the whole "you're a female and I don't THINK so". Miserable marriage for a long time, therapist told me my husband and daughter sound like AS and as a side note my mom is a raging narcissist which is probably why I was attracted to and remained married to an AS for almost 25 yrs. It all unraveled from there. Left marriage, husband denies or avoids that he is AS, is of no help w/my 19 yr old AS daughter. My AS daughter was originally diagnosed like so many girls as ADD in 4th grade and yes like many adults figured out I was ADHD then. The AS symptoms really didn't kick in and get rigid until middle school. This too is common for AS girls. I substitute in schools now while looking for a job. I can pretty much pick out AS or PDD or someone on the spectrum pretty quickly now. And yes - depression, anxiety too for me and probably for my AS daughter. AS runs through my husband's family - my daughter, my husband, his father and grandfather. Of course no official diagnosis but I don't need one - it's sooooo obvious. I am divorcing after 25 yrs. Have you read about Cassandra's syndrome? So few people truly understand how debilitating ADHD is, much less understand AS, I usually just muck along and keep it to myself. I often think, if I told you I had Lupus, my husband had cancer (which he actually does) and my daughter had lupus too, we'd get an ear but people just turn a deaf ear about all of this - besides my therapist.
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This is so wonderful. Thank you all for sharing. I knew we couldn't be the only ones. Suzanne, you asked about communication issues. Two things have been helpful for us. We got them from a AS shrink. Take them for what they are worth.
1. I expect my husband to look at me and after 15 years have a clue what sort of state I am in. Now that I understand that he can't do that I am OK with spelling it out. We have a rating scale. He comes home and I say " I am at an 8" He knows by prearranged discussion that that means I am maxing out and he can offer to rub my back, bring me tea, or go for a walk. Or the "8" tells bim he needs to say "What can I do to help?" It is like he has a filing system in his head. I know that seams contrived, but you Aspie mates will get it. We don't always use this system but it has been great for when I am struggling. He gets to feel like he is showing love and affection which is what he wants but can't get there on his own.
2. Sometimes his logic drives me nuts as well. I feel like |I never "win" an argument. He is always asking for examples and proof . I can't offer them. I can say how I felt. The shrink said that we can make the intuitive v. logic thing work for us not against us and we are!! Now if I have a problem we go for a walk and I talk...and talk...and talk. Chris may interrupt for clarification but that's all. When I am all vented out I either say thank you that Is all I needed or I ask what he heard. It is amazing how his brain sifts through the emotion and gets to the facts that I couldn't find. We are supposed to then develop a "plan" to tackle the problem. This is where we need work, but overall this is a great method because we get to share our strengths with each other. When Chris has a problem he emails it to me. This gives me time to respond very clearly and prevents me from interrupting. We also schedule times to talk about what is bothering him and I take notes and promise not to get up and down a lot. I can not just grab him and start talking.
3. In social situations, Chris sits back, way back and now I let him. He plain asks me what he is supposed to do and I tell him and he does it and convention is satisfied and he feels less nervous. With friends he just says "Explain that to the Aspie". The shrink told Chris to see small talk as a rope suspended between two people. As they chit chat they each pull the rope in more and more until they are closer and ready for deeper discussion. This imagery has helped Chris enormously. We actually go over small talk topics before going anywhere. We may need to go over names and which delicate topics to avoid. It has reduced his anxiety enormously and he is more willing to get together with others now. He wants friends but getting there is hard.
I am also learning to write everything down for him and my daughter. If Chris is in charge at home for a day or so I have a chart with three lunch and three diner choices on it that the 8 year old can pick from. We schedule the entire time that I am to be away and go over it. As long as I don't have to be there and follow the stupid schedule , all is well. I actually can go away occasionally now and know that they are probably alive and even having a good time.
My husband is a brilliant computer architect and a warm funny guy. As he is learning to read non- verbal clues and navigate the social landscape we are happier and have more hope for the future. He is also able to interpret the social world for my ADHD/ maybe PDD-NOS daughter better than I can. I simply do not understand how she is getting off track with people but Chris asks the right questions and they talk through a lot of school situations.
Oh, one last thing. I am desperately trying to create structure and to keep the house organized. So hard for an ADHD gal but the AS factor is the best motivator I have ever had. I have also cut way back on my other commitments and give myself much more time to accomplish this than others may need. I only work part time. I can do this because Chris is so brilliant at his job that we can afford for me to be home a lot. I used to feel guilt about that and not understand why I was so tired all the time. With the diagnosis I understand. Now I simply smile because if I look progress is there.
Hope this is useful. It sounds like we have things all figuerd out. We don't, but we are growing. Again thank you all for commenting. Can't wait to hear more.
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Permalink Reply by Velvetanne on -
LOL. My husband is an architect too. - for 30 yrs - partner at a firm.
Pauline said:This is so wonderful. Thank you all for sharing. I knew we couldn't be the only ones. Suzanne, you asked about communication issues. Two things have been helpful for us. We got them from a AS shrink. Take them for what they are worth.
1. I expect my husband to look at me and after 15 years have a clue what sort of state I am in. Now that I understand that he can't do that I am OK with spelling it out. We have a rating scale. He comes home and I say " I am at an 8" He knows by prearranged discussion that that means I am maxing out and he can offer to rub my back, bring me tea, or go for a walk. Or the "8" tells bim he needs to say "What can I do to help?" It is like he has a filing system in his head. I know that seams contrived, but you Aspie mates will get it. We don't always use this system but it has been great for when I am struggling. He gets to feel like he is showing love and affection which is what he wants but can't get there on his own.
2. Sometimes his logic drives me nuts as well. I feel like |I never "win" an argument. He is always asking for examples and proof . I can't offer them. I can say how I felt. The shrink said that we can make the intuitive v. logic thing work for us not against us and we are!! Now if I have a problem we go for a walk and I talk...and talk...and talk. Chris may interrupt for clarification but that's all. When I am all vented out I either say thank you that Is all I needed or I ask what he heard. It is amazing how his brain sifts through the emotion and gets to the facts that I couldn't find. We are supposed to then develop a "plan" to tackle the problem. This is where we need work, but overall this is a great method because we get to share our strengths with each other. When Chris has a problem he emails it to me. This gives me time to respond very clearly and prevents me from interrupting. We also schedule times to talk about what is bothering him and I take notes and promise not to get up and down a lot. I can not just grab him and start talking.
3. In social situations, Chris sits back, way back and now I let him. He plain asks me what he is supposed to do and I tell him and he does it and convention is satisfied and he feels less nervous. With friends he just says "Explain that to the Aspie". The shrink told Chris to see small talk as a rope suspended between two people. As they chit chat they each pull the rope in more and more until they are closer and ready for deeper discussion. This imagery has helped Chris enormously. We actually go over small talk topics before going anywhere. We may need to go over names and which delicate topics to avoid. It has reduced his anxiety enormously and he is more willing to get together with others now. He wants friends but getting there is hard.
I am also learning to write everything down for him and my daughter. If Chris is in charge at home for a day or so I have a chart with three lunch and three diner choices on it that the 8 year old can pick from. We schedule the entire time that I am to be away and go over it. As long as I don't have to be there and follow the stupid schedule , all is well. I actually can go away occasionally now and know that they are probably alive and even having a good time.
My husband is a brilliant computer architect and a warm funny guy. As he is learning to read non- verbal clues and navigate the social landscape we are happier and have more hope for the future. He is also able to interpret the social world for my ADHD/ maybe PDD-NOS daughter better than I can. I simply do not understand how she is getting off track with people but Chris asks the right questions and they talk through a lot of school situations.
Oh, one last thing. I am desperately trying to create structure and to keep the house organized. So hard for an ADHD gal but the AS factor is the best motivator I have ever had. I have also cut way back on my other commitments and give myself much more time to accomplish this than others may need. I only work part time. I can do this because Chris is so brilliant at his job that we can afford for me to be home a lot. I used to feel guilt about that and not understand why I was so tired all the time. With the diagnosis I understand. Now I simply smile because if I look progress is there.
Hope this is useful. It sounds like we have things all figuerd out. We don't, but we are growing. Again thank you all for commenting. Can't wait to hear more.
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