ADHD Mom With 6 Kids

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Permalink Reply by Rebekah on January 22, 2010 at 4:55pm

The only thing that has helped me at all was years of trial and error...and Flylady but because of my ADHD I have had to modify her program quite a bit, and I am sure with 6 little kids you would probably have to modify it some too. The overall premise is good though and when I first started she sent out reminders every hour or so to remind members of what chore to do next, and she doesnt do that anymore unless you request them (they are called FlyLifeLines now) but that really helps me. I still suck at keeping my house clean, but its lots better than it used to be...and once the kids are older and can help more it will be easier too. Im really bad about making messes and have low vision so I dont always see them after they are made and so I dont clean them up right away so the house stays messy because of that too.

You are not alone in your struggles and you are NOT lazy, my God, I dont EVER stay up folding laundry past bedtime no matter how much needs to be done, EVER....it will sit in the dryer or on the couch till the next day, and maybe longer if I cant get to it...the most important thing is to not beat yourself up over it and work on figuring out ways to keep yourself on track and focused on doing one thing at a time in succession so that you keep on top of it all. I have a calendar software on my computer that I bought that is color coded and has reminder windows and beeps and alarms and you can customize the colors and sizes and alarm types and all sorts of other things and I use it to remind me to do EVERYTHING and it has helped A LOT!

If you decide to try Flylady, dont get discouraged, it has taken me 5 years to get a do-able morning and evening routine and I have 2 kids (ages 9 and 11) that are able to bathe and feed and dress themselves....so do NOT beat yourself up if you cant stick to it. I am no where near close to perfect at following her system and I do it quite differently than she has it outlined, so if you find it sounding like something that will help you and you need more help to figure out other workable solutions with the same basic idea...let me know and I will help you in whatever way I can.

The first step is what she calls "shining your sink" and that is just emptying all the dirty dishes out of the sink and scrubbing it with a scouring powder and scrubber and rinsing and drying it out with a dish towel before you go to bed every night (she doesnt even start with having you DO the dishes...you can stick them on the floor!!) but she wants you to wake up every morning with a clean shiny sink to make you feel good about yourself for accomplishing a small task. She calls it "Finally Loving Yourself" and thats your first daily task. I have worked on that one for 5 years...and most days it gets done, but Im still not perfect at it...but it makes me feel GREAT when I wake up to a clean sink in the morning. She has babysteps and gives you one a day...I did one a month because one a day was too much for me to remember and after a month of doing the same task everyday it got more automatic for me....and she helped me develop routines and ideas on how to get my house clean without cleaning like a mad woman one day a week and then it being a disaster the rest of the time. She does a "weekly home blessing" where she vacuums and dusts and cleans windows and whatnot, but that was not do-able for me, I broke it down into one room per day and have specific chores for those rooms. Like Wednesdays is kitchen day and I have "clean the microwave" and "clean out the refrigerator and throw out old food" and "scrub countertops" and other kitchen related tasks that I make sure to do EVERY week on Wednesday (each day is a different room in the house and weekends are "Free" time) and then every night before bed I make sure to load the dishwasher and shine the sink so its ready to go the next morning. I dont always do them but thats the master plan and it happens more often than not after this long...but it took me 3 years just to realize I needed to do one room per day vs a weekly home blessing and then another year just to get that straightened out and on paper before I actually got anything accomplished and this year has been mostly implementing the system that I have developed for myself...so it has taken a LONG time and a lot of work...so dont get discouraged. I am a stay at home mom and both my kids are in school all day and it has still taken me years to get reasonably on top of things...I cant even imagine if I had 6 kids home with me all day, my house would NEVER be clean....EVER...and I would probably be in the crazy house too!!! LOL!

I admire you for having the strength to even look for a solution...its hard and overwhelming and when you dont have someone supporting you every step of the way with practical solutions that are ADHD friendly...its hard.

Dont give up, you will get there and we can help!

(((((hugs)))))

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Permalink Reply by Nikki on January 23, 2010 at 9:08pm

Hi Mom to Six,

I have four kids, ages 9,8,7, and 2. I am a stay-at-home mom and have struggled with the same issues you mention. I am always begging my husband for more children as well, but say I couldn't keep it all organized. I am also 30 and only recently diagnosed, but spent my entire adult life asking the questions, "What's wrong with me?", "Why can't I be like other moms who have it together?". Now I know and I've had to grieve because something has been wrong with me all along. I thought I just suffered from depression, but now I understand that I was depressed because of my ADHD.

So, I know it probably won't be the answer for you, especially if you're nursing your newest addition, but I started taking medication 6 months ago. I don't take it anymore because I was concerned about the long term side effects of stimulants. During that time, it's like I had a super organized person teaching me how to keep things clean. Mentally, because I did chores in a more organized fashion, and the same way every day, I became conditioned. Once I stopped the meds, I was amazed that I was able to keep up. Studies show that it takes about 1 month to form a new habit. I probably could've stopped taking the pills after 2 or 3 months. Even if medication is not something for you, here's some things I learned while medicated:

1) Accept and love yourself for exactly who you are - when you do this you can teach your children to accept and love the good and bad about themselves as well

2) Spend some time on the Flylady website, as Rebekah advised, there are great lessons to be learned there. My favorite topics are decluttering (less is more) and timers (She tells you to tackle everything 15 minutes at a time and when the timer beeps, move on to something else and come back later) My husband and I both have ADHD, a comic couple yes, but we both suffer from the energy without accomplishment syndrome too. Your energy you speak of is your ability to hyperfocus...for example:
I could spend hours cleaning a bathroom and it would look beautiful, but the rest of the house would be a disaster. It's hard to turn off the hyperfocus when you get going. That's why I set my microwave timer, and have to force myself to move on after 15 minutes to another area of the house that needs my attention. Cleaning gets done in a more balanced fashion.

3 ) I'm a little more spacey without the meds, and my kids call me Dory from the movie Finding Nemo, but if you realize some of the self-defeating habits are because of the ADHD, you can overcome them. Keep a blank notebook and pen on the kitchen counter and make lists about everything. If your remember you need shampoo while doing dishes, stop and add it to the grocery list. It does help with my forgetfulness. I call it fighting my demons. It is a daily battle, but I'm getting better at it. You will too, you just have to declare war and say that the ADHD is not going to control your life.

4) Laugh and laugh often at yourself. It's good therapy! Dry your eyes, because you have the most important job in the world as the mother to those six children. In my house we say that perfection does not exist, practice makes you better, but never perfect. This is true for us as mothers with ADHD just as much as it is for our children.

I hope some of this helps and I wish you the best! God bless you!

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Permalink Reply by silverwings002 on January 23, 2010 at 11:05pm

It did take me years, too, to learn things. To just learn how to learn, if ya know what I mean.
I read about the marble system on some website, which they say can work for kids, and for adults too. [Set aside a large monetary or material/personal reward, put a marble in the jar for doing one thing, on a list of 5 good things, and take a marble out for doing one of 2 negative habits. When jar is full, give reward.]
Learning to really focus on doing one job at a time- until it is not overwhelming to do anymore, and seems easy enough to put on a to do list. I'm working on cleaning the stove, now that I've got a better handle on dishes, and a somewhat handle on washing the table. I let the look of it bother me to the point of having to do something about it; I have to tell people NOT to clean it!
One thing that has always been an essential for me is "way stations". Have places that I can park things on their way to their final destinations. THings do actually get there now, with me picking up and going to the next way station or its place. Corners of furniture, plastic baskets, tables, dressers, and cranny that is "on the way" to somewhere. I remember things by sight.
I was betting myself that you already utilize some version of the way stations.
Ask your kids! They have other pov's of your house and cleaning, and the ADHD'ers will be creative. Try to find a way to write their ideas down within your system, to see if it can work.
Whatever you do [or dont do] with my ideas are fine by me, these are possibilities for you to mull and use or discard as you need.
My girls are 12,7,4 and 9 mos. [2 so far are ADHD] I could NOT homeschool if you paid me! Too much for me...You rock!

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Permalink Reply by Elizabeth on January 27, 2010 at 4:10pm

I just want you to know that your not alone! I am never organized, have extreme trouble following through with just about anything and never, ever have it together.

I'm the mom of three, and soon to be a single mom. I've never been able to pay bills on time, or manage money. I can't juggle a packed schedule or an extreme mess because I get overwhelmed. However, in a crisis or time of great urgency, I can do anything that needs to be done like nobody's business! lol

I have to laugh when you say 'perfect house' because I have wanted that for myself. I know now that it is just not possible. Even with treatment, I run in circles most of the time.

Give yourself a big break! Your the mom of 6 who homeschools! I would be jumping off a cliff if I attempted that! lol

You're already doing great. Please don't be so hard on yourself. :)

Elizabeth

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Permalink Reply by Kathryn on January 27, 2010 at 9:51pm

I'm going to give you my mantra..."A perfect house looks like a life unlived to me!". Now that's not to say that having some degree of organization isn't important...We all KNOW what happens when we're running around like a chicken with it's head cut off and a ticking bomb stuck to its back. What I really mean is, yes, use strategies to get "well enough" organized, but HONESTLY, I can tell just by reading your post that those kids are lucky to have a loving, BRAVE mother! I bet you're also creative, zany, and fun. So maybe you won't be the one to teach them about color coding their socks, and every once in a while you just may be suddenly frightened by a dustbunny the size of an antelope, but SO WHAT!?! The things you ARE giving them and the things you are teaching them about life, like selflessness, unconditional love, and the gift of yourself, are infinitely important. Don't waste your time bemoaning the things you're doing wrong! Celebrate and capitalize on the plethora of things you're doing RIGHT! Good Luck!

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Permalink Reply by tornadofreedom on January 29, 2010 at 4:40pm

Have you ever heard of flylady? She has helped me in the past. but like anything else, i do it for a little while and something else comes up.

Thanks for sharing,
Cynthia

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Permalink Reply by tornadofreedom on January 29, 2010 at 4:42pm

Sorry,

I didn't realize that someone else had already shared about her.
Cynthia

tornadofreedom said:

Have you ever heard of flylady? She has helped me in the past. but like anything else, i do it for a little while and something else comes up.

Thanks for sharing,
Cynthia

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Permalink Reply by Mom to Six on February 10, 2010 at 6:09pm

Wow, thank you so much. You made me want to cry. I can't thank you enough, Rebekah, for encouraging me and giving me tips.

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Permalink Reply by Mom to Six on February 10, 2010 at 6:19pm

Thank you for that, Nikki! I do battle depression on and off. It is only since this last year I realized it's because I hate my ADHD. I'm not depressed with life. Just so disappointed in myself. Some days I just want to wake up a different person. I love my family like crazy but I feel like they deserve so much better than a mommy who can't seem to keep a house together. You guys made me realize I'm not alone. I call myself lazy every single day yet I never sit down!

I am homeschooling my children but I decided that next year they will be going back to a charter school. My ADHD is just making it too hard for me and I can't keep up no matter how much I desperately try.

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Permalink Reply by Mom to Six on February 10, 2010 at 6:22pm

LOL! Thanks for replying, Silverwings002. I won't be homeschooling next year because of my ADHD. I am such a scatterbrain that I'm struggling to keep up. I love, love my time with my kids every day but my husband and I both agree that I need a break and some time to "find my path". I need to look for ways that help me so I need that time and space to work on it for awhile. :)

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Permalink Reply by Mom to Six on February 10, 2010 at 6:26pm

I know, Elizabeth! If company is coming over I get super focused and can clean like crazy! Haha! Maybe that's the answer. Invite people over once a week and then I'll at least be somewhat ahead. :D

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Permalink Reply by Mom to Six on February 10, 2010 at 6:29pm

Kathryn, I guess if I went by that mantra, it looks like a herd lives here. Hee hee... It's funny. I have so much energy at times that I can hardly sit down to eat dinner. I tend to stand up. No joke! With all this energy you would think I could get so much done. I was in the middle of cleaning by bathrooms I just realized before I sat down to read these wonderful comments. I get distracted so easy it's insane. I had forgotton I wrote this post. I was so sad today about it and then I remembered and came here. Then I found all this wonderful encouragement and I couldn't believe it!!! Thank you!

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